President Bush vs. Governor Bush

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My Name is James

My name is James
That's what mother called me
My name is James
So it's always been

Sometimes I forget
When I'm lonely or afraid
And I'll go inside my head
And look for James

There's a city that I dreamed of
Very far from here
Very very far away from here
Very far away

There are people in the city
And they're kind to me
But it's very very far away, you know
Very far...

They'll say James, James, James, how are ya?
Isn't it a lovely day?
James, James, James
We're so glad you came here where we are
From so very very very far

My name is James, James, James


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Things A Man Should Never Do Past The Age of One

Get circumcised.

Spend more than ten minutes looking at a checkerboard pattern (exception: peyote users).

Look longingly at his mother's breasts.

Urinate in his mouth.

Be terrified of Mr. Noodle on Elmo's World.

Cry at the sight of a wooden spoon.

Eat pureed Wheat Thins.

Suck on the corner of a laptop.

Go willingly into the arms of strangers.

Lose neck control.

Have a favorite Higglytown Hero.

"Make nice."

Wear a unitard.

Read The Fountainhead.

--by: Jasper Jacobs, age 17 months
© 2006 by Hearst Communications Inc.

59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30

01. Coin his own nickname.

02. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.

03. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.

04. Hacky sack.

05. Name his penis his name plus junior.

06. Hang art with tape.

07. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.

08. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

09. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

10. Skip.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.

12. Let his father do his taxes.

13. Tap on the glass.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

15. Use the word collated on his resume.

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."

25. Request extra sprinkles.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

39. Whine.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."

41. Purchase fireworks.

42. Google the word vagina.

43. Ride a pony.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.

46. Organize a party bus.

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

57. Own a vanity plate.

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."


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The Tao of Stapling: Revisited

Since I work in an office and I push papers around I often push stapled papers around. Needless to say the extra weight of the staple really pisses me off. There is one more miss stapling technique that I had not mentioned... This is...

The Revisited: This one is for the special kind of lazy that staples something and then remembers that they want to staple another piece of paper onto the original package and do not bother removing the original staple. Thats what they make those little vampire things suck-ass use it!!!

HISTORY OF STAPLING:
1200s --- A short cloth ribbon was pushed through two holes that had been cut in the upper left hand corner of pieces of paper. Sometimes there would be an official seal placed on the ribbon.
1700s --- The first stapling machine was built for King Louis XV. Each staple would have to be hand made and then would be inscribed with the insignia of the Royal Court.
1800s --- Cast iron staplers were introduced. These would use individually loaded staples.
1895s --- Staples where now mounted on a cardboard core but since the cardboard would frequently crumble they were not that effective.
1900s --- First staples on a strip. They were called herringbone staples because there was a space between each staple on the strip.
1905 --- B. Jahn Manufacturing. Company, New Britain, Connecticut introduced a ram head stapler that used staples on a strip but that was so hard to use; someone had to strike it with a stick or mallet to get it to fasten papers together.
1909 --- The word Stapler is introduced. Before that they were generally called Hotchkiss after the Norwalk, Connecticut, company by the same name.
1910 --- Hotchkiss releases the model #2 that uses a lever to sever the herringbone staples. This was much easier than their 1905 model.
1920s --- Swingline, at the time known as Parrot Speed Products Company introduced the Frozen Wire Staples that we know today. Just gauge wire that is held together with glue.
1930s --- Swingline introduces the 4 second Loading stapler that we know today. This is the top loading mechanism that where the user just drops a full strip of staples.

There you go folks... Now you know everything that I know about stapling. Go out there and staple just remember... Have fun but most of all... be safe.


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On A Side Note

Well first I guess I should apologize for being gone for a long time... I have been a little on the down side and decided to be a recluse... I also went on vacation for a week and did not touch my laptop once. That was on the miracle side. But as far as being depressed I think that I am getting over that so I think that I should be ok for a while. I have decided to try to pick up my life and try to move on from the mistakes that I have made. Kind of like trying to was my sins in the storm. I hope that everyone is ready for a lot of reading because I have a lot of things to talk about... Everything from the news to post about my last couple of weeks and even some new poetry is on its way. Stay tuned people.


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The Tao of Stapling

This Document is for those who have the mental capacity of a staple and can not seem to handle the simple act of binding a few pieces of paper together with a small bent piece of wire... at work I see many packets being held together with staples and 99% of them wrong.

PROCEDURE:
01. Make sure that you have the right equipment. There are many different kinds of staplers and one must be aware of all of them before proceeding. There are three kinds of manual staplers.
The pushdown: These are the top mounted staplers that everyone knows and loves that are now ubiquitous of every desk of corporate America. These you use by keeping them on the desk. Note: they can be picked up and some have been designed for that by keeping ergonomics in mind. These staplers can also be hinged so one does not have to use the base of the stapler and can use it against a wall or the like. By definition, this process is not stapling but is called tacking. Tacking is defined because the staples do not grab and bind the paper together.
The Lever: These are basically the heavy duty staplers that can staple a large quantity of papers at the same time.
The Pliers: These staplers are meant to be used with out a desk but they seem to bind and jam often and thus should be avoided whenever possible because there is always a flat edge to use.
Of course there are also electric staplers but the techniques talked about here should carry over to the electric stapler with ease.
02. Make sure that you are using the right materials. Staples come in a variety of lengths, gages and shapes. The first thing to remember about staples is their gauge. The gauge of the wire defines how thick the wire is. It basically measures the diameter of the wire and the larger the number the smaller the wire. You must have the right gauge for the right stapler. The small blade is the same size as the staples thus ensuring that you only push one staple at a time. If the wrong staples are used chances are that the stapler will jam. The second thing to remember is the shape of the staple. Staples mostly come in three shapes. Beveled, Standard and Arched Crown. The third thing, and probably the most important thing to remember, is the length. The length of the staple measures the length of the leg and the helps define how many papers one can staple. Form smallest to largest;
1/4" for 15 25 pages 3/8" for 25 60 pages
1/2" for 60 90 pages 3/4" for 90 160 pages
15/16" fir 160 210 pages --- Taken from Swingline model 900XD.
03. Make sure that your equipment is in proper position. This mostly applies to the anvil of the stapler. The anvil is the little metal plate at the bottom of the stapler that decides which way the staple legs should go. Accepted practice is to have them facing in. The reason why there is a choice is because it is a carryover from where there were not staple removers. The point outwards option is so the staple becomes very temporary and can be easily removed. Some companies used to make ones that one leg was pointing out and the other in. This way, all one had to do was pull the staple out sideways.
04. Make sure that the stapler is on even ground. One must have a firm and flat surface to place the stapler on. If there is no flat surface available then one can opt to hold the stapler in their hand and operate that way. Still this is a rather difficult operation and should only be attempted by skilled users.
05. User must make sure that all sheets of a document are aligned. This can be done by knocking all edges of the sheets of the document against a flat surface. One can manually place one sheet on top of the other but this is generally not as affective or efficient as the previously mentioned method. If the sheets of the document are of different sizes then it is best to tap on the top and left edges of the document. This will ensure that the top-left hand corner of the document is aligned and thus allowing the user to staple that corner.
06. Hold the pages together and insert them into the stapler. The stapler should be positioned at a 45 degree angle in relation to the document. There should be a 1/4 of an inch from the each side of the document to the edge of the stapler. The angle method of stapling is by far the most effective type of stapling there is. The reason why is because this angle provides the longest possible fold line that does not impede in the reading in of the subsequent pages. If another angle is used then when the user tries to fold something then they will inevitably rip the top page as they try to establish a 45 degree fold.
07. PUNCH!

THE WRONG TYPE OF STAPLING:
The Horizontal: That is when someone staples horizontally because they think that it is the most professional or best looking way to do it. Still, this method only leads to ripping of the page and it makes folding over difficult to do.
The Vertical: This is the opposite of The Horizontal still this stapling method seems to crease the top paper along the edges too much and in the end just rips the paper.
The Dangler: This is when the user, due to inability to aim or just not care only staples the pack of paper with one prong of the staple. Thus the other end is just hanging out in the air and will either rip some article of clothing or just rip the papers at the tops.
The Encroacher: This is probably the worst stapling method against productivity. This is when the no one cared enough to even look at that they where stapling and just staple where ever. This usually leads to stapling over the text on the first page and thus the text over the subsequent pages. So now the reader has to undo the stapling job and start again.
The Compensator: This is when some can not follow proper stapling procedures so they must over compensate by using multiple staples. This includes, but is not limited to, The Sandwich, this is when someone staples both sides of the paper bundle because the staple did not go all the way through. One must use the correct staple size for the package of paper.
The Wild Card: This is the most manic of forms of stapling and it is as if they let Corky from Life Goes On to handle a stapler. This only adds to confusion that is not conducive to business function and efficiency.


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