A repeate of nature...

A scorpion was wandering along the bank of the river, wondering how to get to the other side. Suddenly he saw a fox. He asked the fox to take him across the river.

The fox said, "No. If I do that, you'll sting me and I'll drown."

The scorpion assured him, "If I did that, we'd both drown."

The fox thought about it and finally agreed. So the scorpion climbed up on his back and the fox began to swim. But halfway across the river, the scorpion stung him.

As the poison filled his veins, the fox turned to the scorpion and said, "Why did you do that? Now you'll drown too."

"I couldn't help it," said the scorpion. "It's my nature."


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Please... I don't want to hurt anymore...

Some day...
You'll forgive me for being so cold,
and you'll forgive me for missing me so.
You'll forgive me for the loud racing of your heart,
and you'll forgive me for not hearing it.
You'll forgive me for not respecting you enough,
and you'll forgive me for loving you too much.
You'll forgive me for toying with you emotions,
and you'll forgive me for playing stupid games.
You'll forgive me for finding you so attractive,
and you'll forgive me for not noticing.
You'll forgive me for raising you up so high,
and you'll forgive me for bringing you down so low.
You'll forgive me for wanting to be with you,
and you'll forgive me for avoiding you.
You'll forgive me for not writing to you,
and you'll forgive me for the times I read.
You'll forgive me for being so self destructive,
and you'll forgive me for not seeking help for it.
You'll forgive me for not being able to restrain,
and you'll forgive me for never letting go.
You'll forgive me for giving hopes and dreams,
and you'll forgive me for crushing them.
You'll forgive me for entering your life,
and you'll forgive me for leaving it abruptly.
Some day... you'll forgive me for saying goodbye...


Extra Reading

The Fist Rule Of Fight Club...

Hey I up dated my Free & Clear plan... Actually I have two plans going on at the same time... I was thinking of using another name but I just gave up... But oh well... Just enjoy my list of bookmarks...


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Comparing Oranges and Paprika

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I needed you, I knew I was in danger
of losing what I used to think was mine
You said, Don't worry, don't you worry, darling
There are many ways a man can serve his time...
I asked you if a man could be forgiven
And though I failed at love, was this a crime?
You let me love you till I was a failure,
Your beauty on my bruise like iodine...


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I Need To Change On My Own

A scorpion was wandering along the bank of the river, wondering how to get to the other side. Suddenly he saw a fox. He asked the fox to take him across the river.

The fox said, "No. If I do that, you'll sting me and I'll drown."

The scorpion assured him, "If I did that, we'd both drown."

The fox thought about it and finally agreed. So the scorpion climbed up on his back and the fox began to swim. But halfway across the river, the scorpion stung him. As the poison filled his veins, the fox turned to the scorpion and said, "Why did you do that? Now you'll drown too."

"I couldn't help it," said the scorpion. "It's my nature."


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Time Stap On Life

Ok... How do I start this... This message is for every woman that reads this damn thing... I have no idea why you would be attracted to me... I have no idea what you could possibly see in me... I am not who you think I am... I am not the caring attentive person you think I am... Let me tell you something... Every woman who, for some reason, made the mistake of getting involved with me has gotten hurt. every single one... I am not exaggerating on this... Each one has left my life with a broken heart... Usually after three years... Its not because I am some kind of amazing ladies man heart throb... No the reason why is quite simple... The reason is that I'm an asshole. That's right this person who you have diluted yourself into thinking is a smart, caring, tender person... Is the same as everyone else... Probably worse... I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake... I am the same decaying fecal matter as everything else. Don't get me wrong... I am trying to change but until then... You should really stay away from me... Stop comparing the way I talk, the way I dress, the way I think with your boyfriend, finance, husband... What you have is a dream and the person who you think I am is ghost... Do you know what the difference between a boyfriend and a husband is? Forty five minutes... But knowing that you have already built a life or you are already planning to build a life, or you are beginning to discover your life you should stick to your original plan before you met me... Either way I suggest that you leave me alone because this self diagnosed walking-waste of human existence is not worth saving.


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Feeling In Tongues.

Я не знаю, поймете ли Вы любое из этого, но я надеюсь, что Вы делаете. Я только хочу, чтобы Вы знали, что я сожалею обо всем. Я знаю, что Вы не можете говорить со мной прямо сейчас, но Вы должны знать, что, если Вы когда-либо нуждаетесь во мне, я всегда буду здесь для Вас. Все это время то, что мы не говорили, я не кричал все же, но когда мы добрались из телефона сегодня вечером, я не мог помочь этому. Все это снизилось и не было ничего, что я мог сделать, чтобы остановить это. Я обещаю, что однажды, если я когда-либо понимаю это, я возвращусь к Вам. Вы всегда будете любовью к моей жизни, и я буду всегда хотеть быть с Вами, даже если я буду бесполезен при любви Вас.

[MySpace EDIT:]



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Memories of Happyness Turn to Pain

I wrote this the other day... I was not going to post it because it was making me all depressed... This afternoon I was sitting on my couch watching TV. I was feeling sorry for myself and I figured I would watch Queer Eye For the Straight Guy... I knew that would make me happy. Until I found out that the person that the Fab 5 were helping out was from the circus... All I could say was crap... But I figured that it's just a circus... Its not like it's the circus I went to... So I am watching the end of the show and... Yeah it's the same circus I went to... There is Grandma just running around being so cool... There was this one scene where Grandma is being silly and dumb so the ring master looks at grandma and says, "You know you are this far from an idiot." So grandma stops, looks at the ringmaster and then takes a step back... Somehow that joke amuses me every time.

I refuse to believe in fate...

But I do believe in recurring pain...

The other day I went to the circus with my friends. It is the greatest thing on the planet. I love the circus. Unfortunately there were no big animals. They had horses but they were so badly trained. The funny thing is that, no matter what, the circus is still fun. No matter how lame it is, the fact that it is a circus makes the whole thing fun. We sat there and just loved the whole thing. The whole point of going was because one of them had never been to the circus. So the whole time I am telling her that some always dies at the circus. At first she did not believe me but the more I kept repeating it the more she believed me. There was grandma... the greatest circus character ever...

There was actually a time when I was a kid and I wanted to run away to the circus... I actually did too. I went missing for a while... but I went back home... the first thing I was told was not "I miss you." It was, "Go take a shower you smell." The thing was I did not do anything... I did not even speak to the ringmaster or anything... Then again... I was like seven I do not really remember. It was weird needless to say. I realized that I did not want to shovel shit all day.

So anyway when the circus ended the three of us just left and we walked back to our cars... We were all holding hands and just staggering all about singing "The Lion Sleeps tonight." Everyone was looking at us... We did not care... And we had a great time.


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Fucking Analogies

I dreamed you had left my side
No warmth, not even pride remained

I woke to the sound of drums
The music played, the morning sun streamed in

I turned and I looked at you
And all but the bitter residue slipped away . . . slipped away

And even though you needed me
It was clear that I could not do a thing for you


Extra Reading

Drinking With Leonard

Leonard inved this drink in Needles, California in the Summer of 1975. He wrote about it in the book "Death Of A Lady's Man" in 1978. Then he ang about it in 1992's "The Future" in the sond "Closing Time."

Here is the recipe:
Tequila
Cranberry juice
Ice
Lemon and/or exotic fruits


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Remember July 2-5

Ok so this is told in flash back. Last Thursday (040708.160000) I was about to leave the store and the new manager was talking to a someone else I work with in the break room. The second girl, not the manager, is great actually we had gone to the gym just a few days before.

She is really cool and I would love to go to the gym but who has the $65.00 a month. If anyone would like to donate to the "Get-My-Fat-Ass-In-Shape Fund" please call. She was all calm while we were there. But she really didn't seem to push herself, so while we ran I kept pushing her speed up. Not crazy fast but faster than she normally would have gone. It was great. I was in my normal work out clothes, a pair of black basketball shorts and a ripped up white t-shirt. She was so cool though. We were so close to one another while we talked about so many things. Mostly about ... stuff. I'm sure she could smell me while we we talked. I worked up such a sweat while I was on the treadmill I'm sure she could smell it. But she was so cool and didn't complain or anything.

So anyway the new manager asks me how I'm doing. Wrong question to ask. The weekend before was not exactly the greatest week.

Friday: a friend of mine from Boy Scouts, that had already tried to kill himself once decided to run away from home. Well actually he drove his car all the way to Chicago. I was so weird. His dad had to go and get him because he ran out of money and had run out of gas. I remember seeing him in the hospital after he tried to hang himself two or three years ago ... it was so surreal. He still had the rope burns on his neck.

Saturday: Qubeley left for England. ENGLAND!!! For three weeks. THREE WEEKS!!! THREE!!! I have no idea what I'm going to do with out her. I'm not kidding. I threated to throw her blond ass in the trunk of my car for three weeks. Hey it wouldn't be the first time. (No, I'm just kidding.) But it was so cool hanging out with her and Fish in the courtyard of their neighborhood. England give me back my friend...

Later Saturday 1: Something happened which was so bad that I won't even mention it here. But I will talk about the repercussions later.

Later Saturday 2: Went home and watched some TV while I waited for Fish to pick me up to go to the movies. He calls me like thirteen times. He even called my house phone. But I never answer that phone. And he sent me text messages. But my phone was in my room charging so I never got them. The funny thing is that he never even bothered to knock on the door. That day we had actually added an extra door, so he had three doors to knock on. He was truly afraid that I had sliced my wrists in the bathtub. I mean its a great idea. I was always afraid to do it in my room. I did not was to get blood on the carpet. Well anyway it was very cool of him to worry and we got to the movies on time and Spider-Man 2 was just as cool the second time. They dropped me off at home late.

Later Saturday 3: When Fish dropped me off I was so damn depressed I went for a walk. I ended up in Peirmont from my house. I got some fireworks and just went walking. I blew some up in the Lowes parking lot by my house and then continued walking. All the way to Piermont. I passed STAC. It seemed dead and old since I had been gone. As I walked, it was strange looking at all the people still awake watching TV in their nice little homes. I wondered how important their happy little lives were and what would be needed to destroy that. So I threw another firecracker into the me middle of the street. There was this really nice house with all of these Hostas in the garden. Now there are at least 23 species of Hostas and at lest 84 cultivars of the plant known to exist but did she have to use all of them. I don't think Hostas and wild rose constitutes a garden. Did you know there is an American Hosta Society. Stupid. The house was located on nice wetlands she could have used some Cardinal flower Lobelia cardinalis L. or some Joe-Pye Weed Eupatorium purpureum. Both of these are native plants and look great in the wetlands. Trust me I know wetland gardening. So on I walked. As I walked I saw a bug zapper and I stood there listing to bugs getting killed. The blue light and the zapping consumed me for a while but I had to move on. The town of Peirmont seems strange. Everyone has a BMW or a Mercedes-Benz in each drive way parked right next to a VW. I thought that these people bought themselves a crappy car just so the could save money and buy a great car that they could show off to everyone else. No Lexus though. Which is a good thing because I probably would have blown up a firecracker in the grill of the car. Well walked to the pier and smoked some cigarettes while I thought a while and blew up more fireworks. On my way back home I threw my liter at the road and it exploded with a rather loud bang. Continued to walk home and saw a Lexus. No more firecrackers though. Got home and crashed. Total time walking: two hours and 35 minutes. Total distance covered according to Yahoo: 5.5 miles.

Sunday: An uncle from Peru dies and I get the great news. Fucking crazy. My dad was all upset. He just sat outside talking to my mom drinking wine for most of the night. I don't even have a passport or money to go to Peru for the funeral. Fuck!

Monday: go with my friend down to the city to his Grandmothers wake. That was sad as hell. I saw him kneel in front of the coffin and I had no idea what to do. I just sat there talking to his cousin. I'm an idiot I hate funerals I always think about myself when I am there. Went to Canal Street and then home to go to sleep.


Extra Reading

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long
Any time she goes away

I wonder this time where she's gone
I wonder if she's gonna stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
An' this house just ain't no home
Any time she goes away

An' I know-I know-I know-I know-I know-I know
I know-I know-I know-I know ....
Yeah, I'm gonna leave that young thing alone
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone - oh oh

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness every day
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
An' this house just ain't no home
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away


Don't post a comment... please.


Extra Reading

Eat that

You are Don Juan From "Don Juan De Marco." Woobaby! You are Don Juan - dark and handsome, and the world's greatest lover. Some people find you to be a bit insane (or is that insanely sexy?). While you may not be playing with all 52 cards, don't let that get you down - you're a true romantic at heart

Take The Johnny Depp Quiz!


Take that girl who would not go out with me in high school. Ok there should be an 'S' after the word girl but come on. Just because I was a geek in high school does not mean that was also a loser. That was just coincidence!

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The Busy Signal of Disappointment

Whats the matter with people. God I feel crumby. Not in the I'm laying in bed and I just ate a pound of cookies and I got pieces all over myself and I'm too lazy to wipe them off sort of way. Have you ever hoped for something and then when you wait for it and it for it, it does not happen. You know the kind of excitement that wakes you up in the morning. Then you go and put on your contacts. But you were so excited that you forgot to put re-wetting drops in your eyes. So as soon as the c0ntacts touch your eyes it feels like someone just stabbed you right through the cornea. You reel over in pain but you can't stop laughing because you are so excited. Damn it. Don't puke in my bowl and tell me it's frosted flakes. Maybe I just don't understand my limitations. Everyone has limitations. I guess that is why some people have come up with this. But come on it's three years away. THESE people, obviously understand patience. Why don't we have an abortion clinic with a nine month waiting period.

But dealing with disappointment is a part of life. So is love and for 50% of the population so is a swift kick in the nuts. But my parents always taught me to be fair and to always appreciate what I had. I remember I wanted this really cool bath toy when I was a kid but they did not get it but they taught me to be thankful for what I had. Granted the bath toy they DID get me was a clock-radio and a long extension cord.