George Carlin... One Year Later...

01. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
02. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
03. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
04. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
05. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
06. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
07. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
08. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
09. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
10. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
11. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
12. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
13. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
14. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
15. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
16. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
17. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
18. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
19. What year did Jesus think it was?
20. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
21. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
22. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
23. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
24. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
25. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
26. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
27. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
28. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
29. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
30. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.


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