G.I. Joe’s Snake Eyes Revealed!!

Warning... Nerdgasm ahead...

How does your phone pronounce "Shuriken"

Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again

In a Galaxy far far away...

Well during all my wanderings through the internet I have found many Star Wars related things... I figured some people might like them...

George Lucas in Love
...Ok let’s start out with what I feel is the best Star Wars video ever... George Lucas in Love is a spoof of Shakespeare in Love - done with a complete twist of Star Wars. Watch closely and see Lucas’ inspirations for the Star Wars series as he faces his final challenge in college.


Star Wars Gangsta Rap
...Another one of my all time favorites... This video actually won an Official Star Wars Fan Film Award... It is hosted at Atomfilms.com
<a href="http://www.atom.com/funny_videos/gangsta_rap_flv/" target="_blank">Star Wars Gangsta Rap</a>

Star Wars Gangsta Rap

Darth Vader in Love
...Darth Vader falls in love with a girl in a pink outfit... Darth Vader telling himself that he is an idiot is just comedy gold...


TROOPS
... This is a mockumentary based on COPS. The intro ends with the monologue "TROOPS is filmed on location with the men of the Imperial Forces. All suspects are guilty--Period! Otherwise, they wouldn’t be suspects, would they?"


Art of the Saber
... Anyone who saw Episode 1 knows that there were basically three good scenes in that film. One of them being "Duel of the Fates." Well the following film is very similar except it does not have that loser Jar Jar in it...


Darth Vader vs Japanese Police
... What a simple concept that comes out to be totally funny... Makes me want to learn Japanese so I know what the last guy is saying...


Hardware Wars 1 of 2
... For many this was the first Star Wars parody... Very simple animation but it is just so funny... Ever since I saw this movie you will find me going around saying "I can’t understand you..." at random...


Darth Vader on Acid
... Hey I can think of a political leader right now that can fit into this thing...


Oh right... This is what I was thinking of...


Samurai Sith Lord
... If Star Wars took place in Japan and Jedis were ninjas, this is what Stormtroopers would hunt them down in during the Great Jedi Purge. They’re obviously smarter than the average clone, too, since they’re too dumb and clumsy to wield katana. Created by artist Yoshi Isao and on display at Gift Show 2008 in Tokyo.


Darth Vader hot air balloon makes you feel the force
... This Darth Vader helmet-shaped hot air balloon towers 86 feet high, is 69 feet wide and 78 feet deep. That’s a pretty hefty and intimidating size head of one of the most notorious sci-fi villains around. The next step would be to build a giant Death Star balloon for this to dock into.


Sexy Recruitment Posters for the Empire
... (click the poster for more) If the Imperial Army had stormtroopers that looked like this, we can only assume that a) they’d have a ton of new recruits signing up, and b) they’d run out of funds building form-fitting stormtrooper armor for these overly endowed poster girls. It’s not clear if those boobs are silicon-enhanced or Force-imbued, but they’re clearly meant to get your midichlorians flowing.



Extra Reading

Last Man Standing

Welcome Earthlings... I am Uatu. I am called many things by many tribes. Your people know me as The WATCHER. Welcome to the archives of the UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. The data below was originally printed in Wizard Magazine 70 in June 1997......

It’s the one debate that’s been raging for over 50 years: "My favorite superhero can kick your favorite’s ass!" And there’s never been a clear-cut answer. Until now.

What WIZARD has done is gathered up all the superheros in comic-dom, pitted them against one-another and determined not only who the top 10 most powerful superheros are, but how they placed on that top 10 list as well.

Our criteria for placement was as follows:

1. Only superheros allowed. No supervillians or ridiculously cosmic beings of a higher "universal" order (like Galactus, Highfather, Neron or Mephisto) allowed. And ...

2. This was treated as a no-holds-barred, do-or-die contest. Each character is giving it his all in the battles we’ve set before them.

With that said, meet the 10 man on the list ...



10) HULK
... HIS DEAL: Caught in the heart of a gamma bomb explosion, genius scientist Dr. Robert Bruce Banner finds himself transformed into a 7-foot, one-ton green behemoth with near-unlimited strength, rapid tissue-regenerative powers and nigh-inexhaustible stamina.
... WHY HE’S 10: "Hulk Smash! ... and that’s about it. Yeah, he may posseses Banner’s keen scientific mind and the ruthless cunning of Mr. Fixit, but on this list of supermen, warrior women and Norse gods, the Hulk’s muscle just ain’t enough to overcome the 10 slot.

09) FIRESTORM
... HIS DEAL: Trapped in an experimental nuclear reactor, high school student Ronnie Raymond and Prof. Martin Stein gained the ability to merge into the superhero Firestorm, a being with the ability to alter his own molecular density and the molecular configuration of all inanimate matter.
... WHY HE’S 9: Ronnie’s a young turk who’s easily distracted, even with Stein playing the brainy scientist. While the Hulk’s limited powers are something Ronnie could handle, any of the more varied attacks from the really diversified guys on this list would clean Ronnie’s clock.
... VS. HULK: One heavy-duty adamantium prison cell whipped up outta nowhere, and the Hulk is outta the fight in five seconds flat.

08) PROFESSOR X (PRE-ONSLAUGHT)
... HIS DEAL: Born a mutant, Prof. X is the world’s most powerful telepath. Despite being wheelchair-bound, he can read minds and wipe minds clean.
... WHY HE’S 8: While the good professor may possess the most powerful melon on Earth, his frail body would prove too much a liability against the powerhouses on this list.
... VS. HULK: No contest. Prof. X would sense ol’ Green-genes’ thoughts from a mile away, and after having zero success trying to reason with him, turn ol’ Jade Jaws into a green vegetable.
... VS. FIRESTORM: Before Firestorm could think of a way to nix him, Prof. X. would "hear" his thoughts and force Stein and Raymond to separate into their powerless civilian personae.

07) SPAWN
... HIS DEAL: Making a deal with the devil, government assassin Al Simmons was resurrected with a price: finite magical powers capable of nearly any feat imaginable but, when exhausted, will drag him back to Hell to lead its forces against Heaven.
... WHY HE’S 7: His fear of using his finite powers against the titans on this list would give his opponents an opportunity to get a second shot in --- which, against this crowd, would be one shot too many.
... VS. HULK: Spawn has lost body parts in the past without sweating it too much, so while the green skin Goliath may punch an arm or two off, Spawny-guy here can take the punishment and blast the big guy to atoms.
... VS. FIRESTORM: Though they have simliar powers, Spawn has the edge in that he can also create things outta nothing. Bound by common physics, Firestorm wouldn’t have aprayer against a guy who has the powers of hell behind him.
... VS. PROF. X: When Chuck probes a disturbing alienish mind, he gets all disoriented -- and they don’t come more disturbing than resurrected government hitmen/generals-in-training for Satan’s war against Heaven. The second Charlie taps into Al’s noggin, BAM! the Professor’d be stunned for a few seconds and that’s all Al’d need to leave Chuck a stain in a wheelchair.

06) DR. STRANGE
... HIS DEAL: As our dimension’s Sorcerer Supreme, Steven Strange stands as the first and last line of defense against all magic-based menaces that threaten our dimension.
... WHY HE’S 6: While he’s beaten cosmic menaces to save the universe countless times, Doc Strange is only human with limited stamina, speed and reflexes.
... VS. HULK: He’s beaten the Hulk before (Hulk 300), and he’d do it again. Teleporting him to another dimension, forcing him to sleep, making the Hulk believe he’s already won the fight and getting him to walk away ... the list goes on and on.
... VS. FIRESTORM: Know how Spawn’s mystical powers would overwhelm Firestorm? Doc’s spell casting would do it the same way. Just faster.
... VS. PROF. X: Wouldn’t Prof. X see him coming? Not when Dr. Strange steps out of a side dimension with a host of spells at the ready, kiboshing the Professor before he had time to spin his wheelchair around.
... VS. SPAWN: Two things tip it in Doc’s favor. First, he’s been around a lot longer, traveled to countless dimensions with varied battlegrounds and has forgotten more mystic battles than Spawn’s ever experienced. Secondly, while Spawn is cautious with his power, the Doc would just cut loose.

05) FLASH
... HIS DEAL: Wally West taps into the Speed Force, a universal force that gives him the ability to run, think and react at near-light speed.
... WHY HE’S 5: It’s next to impossible to react to this guy’s attack. You’re not going to see him coming, and by the time you realize he’s there, he’s already hit you a hundred times over.
... VS. HULK: The Flash would just vibrate through the Hulk and , ewww, make him explode.
... VS. FIRESTORM: For all his powers, Ronnie’d have no time to react to the Flash or even turn intangible. Flash would be all over this guy like white on rice.
... VS. PROF. X: Knowing the Flash is one-tenth of a nanosecond away from clocking you isn’t going to do you much good. Bye-bye, Chuck.
... VS. SPAWN: 99 percent of Spawn’s foes are just big hulking guys relying on raw power. The flash represents a foe unlike anything ol’ Spawny-guy has ever faced, whereas Wally has dealt with magic-based foes before. This fight is over without Al ever knowing who clobbered him.
... VS. DR. STRANGE: Same deal as Spawn. Doc Strange isn’t going to know hitting him and isn’t going to stay conscious long enough to find out.

04) WONDER WOMAN
... HER DEAL: Spawned by Greek goddesses on the paradise island of Themyscira, Dianan is an immortal Amazon granted flight, incredible strength, speed, wisdom, and beauty.
... WHY SHE’S 4: Raised an an Amazon warrior, Wonder Woman isn’t just some muscle-bound brawler--- she’s a highly skilled warrior who knows how to spot an enemy’s weakness and exploit it.
... VS. HULK: While the two are pretty evenly matched strength-wise, Diana gets the advantage with speed. flight and warrior skills. As cagey and sharp as the Hulk is, he isn’t as skilled in tactical combat.
... VS. FIRESTORM: Like Flash, Diana’d use superspeed to land one quick punch. And when you’re as strong as the Hulk, that’s about all you need.
... VS. PROF. X: After countless battles of wills through fighting the Greek gods’ magic and bending people to her will through her magic lasso, we see Wonder Woman being grabbed by Chuck telepathically. But a sluggish Diana either grabs the Prof with her lasso and commands him to stop or just hits him with some loose debris. Either scenario takes Charlie out of the fight.
... VS. SPAWN: She could take the early hits Spawn would probably nail her with, but she wouldn’t be hit by that many. Fueled by speed, strength and warrior know-how, Spawn goes down for the count.
... VS. DR. STRANGE: Wonder Woman is based in magic, so while Doc is busy unsuccessfully trying to mess with her on that front (no way is he undoing the work of the Greek gods), Diana’s superspeed has her on him from all fronts battering his shields with near-Superman-level strength. With that kind of onslaught, she’s bound to tag him once, which is all she needs.
... VS. FLASH: We see Diana hammered relentlessly by hundreds of blows from the as-good-as-invisible Flash. But between her nigh-invulnerability, superspeed and canny fighting prowess, she’d eventually detect a pattern in the Flash’s attack and stun him with a glancing blow. Long enough for Diana to finish the job and then collapse.

03) SUPERMAN (PRE-"ELECTRO-SUPERMAN")
... HIS DEAL: Rocketed from the exploding planet Krypton, Clark Kent grew to adulthood on Earth to learn that this planet’s yellow sun and weaker gravity gave him near-invulnerability strength, speed, stamina, hearing, etc. Calling himself Superman, he now fights the never-ending battle for truth, justice and the American way!
... WHY HE’S 3: This guy’s name pretty much says it all. We’ve already see the power the Flash has as his command with superspeed, so when you mix in superstrength, heat vision, invulnerability and the other dozen powers at Supes’ command, he becomes fairly unbeatable.
... VS. HULK: We actually saw this already in Marvel vs. DC 3, which saw Supes coming out on top. While the Hulk can stand toe-to-toe in strength, Big Blue’s superspeed, flight and heat vision put him over the top.
... VS. FIRESTORM: While Supes would be in trouble if Firestorm got a bead on him (Firestorm once trapped Supes in a kryptonite bubble back in Fury of Firestorm 4), Supes’ speed has him getting the drop on Ronnie, and ending the fight before it ever begins.
... VS. PROF. X: Though Supes wouldn’t take Chuck down as fast as the Flash did, it would only be by a half-second or so.
... VS. SPAWN: For those of you not in the know, magic (along with kryptonite) is one of the few things that really cripples Supes. Good thing Supes’ Flash-like speed lets him get in close to Spawn and take him down with a super-punch before Al even knows what hit him.
... VS. DR. STRANGE: We see Supes having a lot more trouble with Doc than with Spawn, simply because Doc’s a sorcery veteran. But even if he bounced off an initial deflective shield, no way can Doc get a bead on him for a direct attack. A superspeed delivered punch or zap of heat vision wraps up the flight in under a minute.
... VS. FLASH: Yeah, the Flash is faster, but Supes ain’t no slouch in the speed department, either, giving Wally only slight edge. Plus, like WW, Supes can take anything the Flash can dish out and eventually land a knock-out blow.
... VS. WONDER WOMAN: Now this would be a cool fight! Fairly evenly matched with flight, strength and speed, Supes is still just a little tougher, a little faster and just a tad stronger. Diana would eventually tire, while Supes is a living solar battery with enough power reserves to be the one (barely) standing at the end of the battle.

02) THOR
... HIS DEAL: The actual Norse God of Thunder, Thor possesses "normal" Asgardian attributes including immorality, superstrength and nigh-invulnerability. He is armed with Mjolnir, the mystical war hammer capable of opening passageways through space and time, blocking all sorts of energy blasts and bending the elements to its master’s will.
... WHY HE’S 2: This guy is a Norse god warrior, trained and skilled in the art of battle. And he’s been doing it for countless ages. Give him a magical hammer and the power over the elements, and he’s unbeatable. Almost.
... VS. HULK: The Hulk may be as tough and as strong as Thor, but Goldilock’s got ’im beat in the skill department, seeing as how he’s been fighting gods, armies, trolls and wizards for over a millennium. It might mean a couple days bed rest afterward, but Thor wins the belt in this bout.
... VS. FIRESTORM: Surprised by the sheer force of the storm and unexpected lightening bursts. Firestorm loses his concentration and becomes tangible. Yeah, he wouldn’t be beaten by the storm, but one shot from Mjolnir would knock the Nuclear Man senseless.
... VS. PROF. X: Pushing himself to the limits in his search for the mind behind the storm buffeting the mansion (Mjolnir’s magic at work), Prof. X detects Thor’s presence seconds before Thor clobbers him into unconsciousness.
... VS. SPAWN: Puh-lease! Thor’s already faced down all sorts of demonic magic types like Hela (Asgard’s ruler of Hell), so while Spawn may take some time to wear down, trapping him in the middle of a hurricane, hailing a blitzkrieg of lightening bolts on ’im and pounding him with Mjolnir would leave Al a pile of pulpy necroplasm.
... VS. DR. STRANGE: Magic? No problem! You gotta remember that Thor’s trusty hammer Mjolnir can handle any magic tossed Thor’s way. Doc might as well be weaving a blanket instead of a spell, ’cause Thor would make him say "good night".
... VS. FLASH: Similar to his bout with Wonder Woman, the Flash would get in some good shots against the Thunder God... but if it’s one thing Thor has shown, it’s that he can take punishment. Between the monstrous storm that’d spring up out of nowhere, dodging lightening bolts and whirling hammers, the Flash would eventually be tagged and, well that’d be that.
... VS. WONDER WOMAN: The coolest fight on this whole list!!! Two super-strong, super-tough warriors battling it out with sheer power and skills in a battle that would leave both warriors horrifically wounded and completely exhausted... with Thor the last one standing. He’s just tougher, with a billion more lifetimes of battle-experience beneath his belt.
... VS. SUPERMAN: While Supes has the edge in speed and flight (Thor gets pulled by his hammer; he doesn;t really fly.), once again Thor’s warrior training and combat experience would give him the edge he needs to have more of his blows connect, eventually laying the Kryptonian flat. It’s all in the name: Super-Man; Thor, God of Thunder.

01) SILVER SURFER
... HIS DEAL: As the former herald of the world-devourer Galactus, Norrin Radd possesses he "power cosmic," an energy source capable of almost any feat imaginable, making him one of the most powerful beings in the cosmos.
... WHY HE’S 1: The Surfer is the fringe character that seperates humanity from the omnipotence of Galactus or Eternity, making him tops on our list. His power cosmic is so powerful that it’s not a matter of what the Surfer can do, it’s what he can’t. Matter-manipulation, the power reserves of stars, traveling at lightspeed ... he may even be able to create life. He’s truly in a power class of his own.
... VS. HULK: The Hulk may be physically stronger than the Surfer, but come on, our boy Norrin would never let the Hulk get near him. He’d zip up on the Hulk at near-light speed, unleash just a fraction of the power cosmic and, when the Hulk came to at the bottom of the smoking crater a couple days later, the Surfer’d be done kicking the crap out of the rest of the heroes on this list.
... VS. FIRESTORM: No contest. Whatever Ronnie can do, Norrin can undo. With the skill and far greater matter-manipulation power at his command, Firestorm rates a two-panel fight at best.
... VS. PROF. X: Yeah, you guessed it, between the Surfer’s incomprehensible speed and indomitable will, Prof. X may give the Surfer a run for his money in chess, but not in combat.
... VS. SPAWN: The Surfer’s faced down Mephisto, Marvel’s version of Satan, so a Satan-flunkie like Spawn ain’t gonna do much that the Surfer hasn’t overcome before.
... VS. DR. STRANGE: Dr. Strange is a human conduit of magic with human frailties, while the Surfer can stand at the center of a super-nova without breaking a sweat. It might take a couple of hours, but Strange would burn himself out trying to dent the Surfer.
... VS. FLASH: Sorry, the Surfer is faster than the Flash, with the power of the universe at his command. Once you take away his speed, Wally is just a guy. G’night, Wally.
... VS. WONDER WOMAN: Diana may be a better fight, but the Surfer is faster, tougher and more powerful. Ten bucks says Wonder Woman’s bracelets aren’t up to deflecting the power cosmic.
... VS. SUPERMAN: While Supes might land a couple of blows as the Surfer is trying to talk to him, our bald buddy Norrin could either hammer Supes into submission with the power cosmic or suck all the solar energy out of him with his energy manipulation powers.
... VS. THOR: Surfer’s power cosmic is fairly evenly matched with Mjolnir (whose magical properties aren’t affected by the universe’s laws of physics), which would absorb/deflect Surfer’s power for a while. While Surfer couldn’t do much physical damage to Thor, Thor would hammer the Surfer unconscious ... if he could hit them. And even though Mjolnir could block Surfer’s powerful blasts, some would eventually land. As the battle progressed, more and more of the Surfer’s blows would connect until one super-blast of the power cosmic would put the Odinson down for the count. And the worst part? The Surfer, one of the most noble spirits in the universe, would search the rubble after the fight, grab Mjolnir and head off to Disneyworld.

Extra Reading

Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity." Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:
--Star Trek:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."
--Firefly:
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be heck. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.


Extra Reading

R2-D2 is the man!

If we accept all the Star Wars films as the same canon, then a lot that happens in the original films has to be reinterpreted in the light of the prequels. As we now know, the rebel Alliance was founded by Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Bail Organa. What can readily be deduced is that their first recruit, who soon became their top field agent, was R2-D2.

Consider: at the end of RotS, Bail Organan orders 3PO's memory wiped but not R2's. He wouldn't make the distinction casually. Both droids know that Yoda and Obi-Wan are alive and are plotting sedition with the Senator from Alderaan. They know that Amidala survived long enough to have twins and could easily deduce where they went. However, R2 must make an impassioned speech to the effect that he is far more use to them with his mind intact: he has observed Palpatine and Anakin at close quarters for many years, knows much that is useful and is one of the galaxy's top experts at hacking into other people's systems. Also he can lie through his teeth with a straight face. Organa, in immediate need of espionage resources, agrees.

For the next 20 years, as far as 3PO knows, he is the property of Captain Antilles, doing protocol duties on a diplomatic transport. He is vaguely aware of the existence of the princess but doesn't know much about her. Wherever 3PO goes, being as loud and obvious as he always is, his unobtrusive little counterpart goes with him. 3PO is R2's front man. Wherever they land, R2 is passing messages between rebel sympathisers and sizing up governments as potential rebel recruits - both by personal contact and by hacking into their networks. He passes his recommendations on to Organa.

Yoda is out of the picture by this stage, using the Force-infused swamps of Dagobah to hide himself from Vader and the Emperor. Or something. He is meditating on the future and keeping in touch with Obi-Wan via the ghost of Qui-Gon Jin, which as comm systems go has the virtue of being untappable. Obi-Wan, on Tattoine, keeps in touch with Bail Organa and the other Rebel leaders by courier, of which more later.

As Star Wars opens, R2 is rushing the Death Star plans to the Rebellion. R2, not Leia. The plans are always in R2. What Leia puts into him in the early scene is only her own holographic message to Kenobi. Leia's own mission, as she says in the holographic message, is to pick up Obi-Wan and take him to Alderaan - or so she thinks. Actually, her father just wants her to meet Kenobi, which up to this point she never has. There's a reason for that.

Obi-Wan has spent the last 20 years in the Tattoine desert, keeping watch over Luke Skywalker and trying to decide on one of the three available options:
A) If Luke shows no significant access to the Force, then leave him alone in obscurity
B) If Luke shows real Force ability, then consider recruiting him as a Jedi. The rebellion needs Jedi. Now.
But, if Luke shows any signs of turning out like his father, then C) sneak into his house one fine night and chop his head off. With great regret but it'll save a lot of trouble later on.
Knowing this to be the case, Bail Organa (perhaps at the insistence of his wife) has found excuses not to send Leia to Ben for assessment of Jedi potential, largely for fear of option C.

To be fair to all concerned, Leia has shown no overt signs of a link to the Force. Luke on the other hand has. In his home-built hotrod aircraft, with no formal fighter pilot training and no decent instrumentation, Luke can regularly score centre-hits on 2-metre targets in complicated zero-altitude maneouvres. Until he attends the briefing on Yavin, Luke has no way of knowing that hardened combat pilots would consider that nearly impossible. To him it's easy. Obi-Wan, who saw Anakin's performance in the Pod Race, is nervous.

Much of Obi-Wan's behaviour in this film, and Yoda's in the next, can best be understood if they are frankly scared to death of what Luke might become. (Ben is also scared that he himself will make all the same mistakes he made with Anakin.)

Now, with the existence of the rebellion at stake, Bail Organa has finally told Leia to go see Obi-Wan and has sent her along with R2. The original plan would then be for Obi-Wan (with optional Luke and/or Leia in tow) to leave his exile and take the Death Star plans to Yavin, where they can be put to use. R2 (with Leia if Ben doesn't want to take her) would then carry on to Alderaan to maintain the cover story. The original plan does not survive contact with a large Imperial Star Destroyer.

R2 and 3PO bail out in an escape pod, landing in vaguely the right area of Tattoine, where R2's first priority is transport. He arranges to be captured by a group of Jawas and, once on board their transport, he makes a deal with them (possibly using emergency funds stored about his person) to take him where he wants to go. The Jawas refuse to go directly to Kenobi for fear of marauding Sandpeople but they agree to R2's second request : transport to the Skywalker farm. They even get to keep the purchase price if they can sell R2 and 3PO there. The Jawas shake on it and go through with the plan.

Seeing 3PO fail to recognise the farm where he worked for 10 years gives r2 a moment's amusement but, as soon as possible, he gets away and heads for Kenobi. Luke and 3PO follow, which may or may not have been part of the plan.

On first seeing R2, Obi-Wan has a twinkle in his eye and calls him "my little friend". Well, he is. However, when Luke wakes up and says that R2 claimed to be owned by an Obi-Wan Kenobi, he blandly says "I don't seem to remember ever owning a droid." Ben has in fact owned several but the remark is aimed at R2 and translates as "You keep quiet. I'm not about to tell him everything just yet." Obi-Wan thinks fast and tells Luke a version of his past that does not involve a father who became a dark lord of the Sith. He wants to examine Luke a lot more closely before he risks telling him the real truth.

Although the Death Star plans need to get to Yavin as soon as possible, Obi-Wan needs to make one more diversion first. If the Empire knows that Leia is a Rebel leader, then they also know about her father and the whole Organa family may need immediate evacuation. Fortunately, before coming to Tattoine, R2 had already arranged transport, which is waiting at Mos Eisley, under the command of the Rebellion's other chief field agent and espionage asset. Chewbacca.

20 years earlier, Chewbacca was second in command of the defence of his planet. He's there in the tactical conferences and there on the front lines and is a personal friend of Yoda's. When he needed reliable people to join the embryonic Alliance, who else would Yoda turn to but his old friend from Kashykk? Given his background, there is no way that Chewie would spend the crucial years of the rebellion as the second-in-command to (sorry Han) a low-level smuggler. Unless it's his cover. In fact, Chewie is a top-line spy and flies what is in many ways the Rebellion's best ship.

The Millenium Falcon may look like a beat-up old freighter but it can outrun any Imperial ship in normal space or hyperspace, hang in a firefight with a Star Destroyer or outmaneouvre a dozen top-of-the-line TIE fighters. It's a remarkable feat of engineering and must have cost a colossal fortune to build. How does Han come to own a ship like that? He only thinks he does, actually it's Chewie's. Half-way through RotS, we see the Falcon landing at the Senate building on Coruscant. If it's the same ship (which of course it is) then it was the personal transport of one of the senatorial delegations - a much more likely source to commission its design. That delegatino must have later joined the Rebellion and given it the use of the Falcon. In fact, if the delegation is the one from Kashykk, then the ship may have belonged to Chewbacca as early as RotS.

Han is Chewie's front man. It's much better, and safer for him, if he doesn't know what's really going on. Chewie used to work with Lando Calrissian in a similar way but Lando wanted to settle down, so Chewie arranged for him to lose the Falcon in a card game to Han Solo, an even better choice as partner. Han and Chewie's working method is pretty much what we see in the cantina scene: Chewie make the contacts and sets up the deals, then turns them over to Han who haggles over the price and gives the final yea or nay. This lets Chewie wander the seamy underside of the galaxy pretty much at will, making contacts, gathering and passing information with no-one was the wiser, especially not Han.

Chewie persuaded Han to do business with Jabba the Hutt so he could make regular runs to Tattoine, where Chewie could pass messages between Kenobi and Organa. When R2's urgent message came through only days before, the only way for Chewie to get back to Tattoine in time was to make the "mistake" that forced Han to dump his cargo to avoid capture. As a down side, this led to Solo's getting a death mark out on him from Jabba the Hutt. Chewie was a bit upset about the need for that but figured they weren't going to be dealing with Tattoine for much longer.

En route to Alderaan, R2 and Chewie play stop-motion chess. This is the latest in a series of games they've played over the year in the back rooms of space stations and cantinas across the galaxy, but this is the first time they've done it in front of their respective straight men, so they put on a big show.

Then it all goes wrong again. Alderaan is gone and the Falcon is caught and brought aboard the Death Star. Only Han, Luke and 3PO don't know just how much trouble they're in but Obi-Wan has a plan and seems confident (but Jedi always do). Soon afterwards, R2 finds Leia in the detention cells and shouts that they have to rescue her, to which Chewie can only agree. If Vader learns he has a daughter, then they're all in deep trouble, so Chewie does his bit to persuade Han to go along with Luke's plan.

Then, on the verge of escape, Vader himself turns up only yards from both of his children, one of whom is leaking Force all over the place. Obi-Wan stages a distraction by letting himself die and go into the Force while the others escape. At this point, Chewie suddenly realises that he's been left in charge, not only of the Death Star Plans and the survival of the Rebellion but of the secret son and daughter of Darth Vader. With the Organas and Kenobi all dead, only Chewie, R2 and Yoda know who Luke and Leia are. And only Ob-Wan knew where Yoda has been hiding. Chewie is stressed out by the responsibility and R2 (who keeps making crude jokes about the whole affair) is being no help at all.

Chewie's first problem is what is happening between Luke and Leia. With a psychic link they can feel but don't understand, thrown together in a life-or-death escape, they are looking at each other with a sparky intensity that Chewie gradually recognises as Romantic Tension. He's no expert on human relationships but Chewie is fairly sure that that's Wrong, so he does the only thing he can under the circumstances - he throws Han at her. Han is at first not interested but after a while starts to warm to the idea with an intensity that gives Chewie new worries.

When they reach Yavin, Han decides to take the money and run and Chewie decides to go with him. Looked at in cold light, it's for the good of the Rebellion. Even if Yavin is destroyed, there'll be one agent who knows what's going on who can try and put something back together, but he doesn't feel good about it. When Han decides to turn around and join the attack, Chewie is all for it.

Han and Luke get medals but Chewie doesn't. Actually, Leia offers him one but Chewie turns it down. He got one of those things from Yoda about 20 years ago, but there's no way he can tell her that.

As the film ends, the three founders of the Rebellion are all gone. Bail Organa is dead, Yoda is out of contact and Obi-Wan's ghost can only talk to other Jedi. (So that would be Yoda then.) Thus, the field leadership of the rebellion has just been turned over to the daughter of Darth Vader. Chewie is really hoping that someone with an official rank greater than hers will get here real soon before he has to think really seriously about option C.


Extra Reading

10 reasons why the Xbox 360 will succeed where the Dreamcast failed.

by: Sam Kennedy from: 1Up 11.04.2005

Sure, it's easy to come up with some parallels between the two platforms, but will the Xbox 360 go the way of the Dreamcast and have Microsoft abandon it a few years into its life cycle? Extremely unlikely. Microsoft is in a much different position than Sega was a few years ago. Here are some of the top reasons why the Xbox 360 will succeed where the Dreamcast failed.

D: Its predecessor was a complete failure.

X: Following on the heels of the very popular Xbox.


D: Square, the most important publisher in Japan, never supported the console.

X: Has the support of Square Enix starting with Final Fantasy XI.


D: EA, the most important publisher in the U.S., never supported the console.

X: Has the full support of EA, with a whole lineup of titles at launch.


D: Dreamcast was too early for broadband gaming; 56K didn't really cut it.

X: Broadband penetration is getting higher and Xbox Live is unparalleled.


D: Wasn't backwards compatible.

X: Backwards compatible (mostly).


D: Sorry Dreamcast fans, but the system's controller really wasn't that great.

X: Has a wireless pad that many claim may be the best controller ever made.


D: Had tons of amazing games...but no Halo 3.

X: Will have Halo 3. And it will be huge.


D: FFVIII released the same day as the Dreamcast.

X: Next to no competition at launch.


D: Former president Bernie Stolar quit right before the system launched, sending a bad sign.

X: Solid executive team in J Allard, Robbie Bach, and Peter Moore.


D: Had a limited budget of only $100 million to market the console.

X: Can, and will, spend whatever it takes to make the Xbox 360 a success.



Extra Reading

23 eerie parallels between Xbox 360 and the Sega Dreamcast

by: Sam Kennedy from: 1Up 11.04.2005

Ever since the first details of the Xbox 360 hit the web, gamers have drawn comparisons to Sega's ill-fated (yet still highly regarded) Dreamcast console.


D: Launched a year before the competition.

X: Launching a year before the competition (likely).


D: Faced a "far superior" next-generation PlayStation console that wowed gamers with fancy tech demos.

X: Facing a "far superior" next-generation PlayStation console that wowed gamers with fancy tech demos.


D: Sleek white console following in footsteps of bulky, black console.

X: Sleek white console following in footsteps of bulky, black console.


D: Made its American debut on MTV.

X: Made its American debut on MTV.


D: Games ran on a Windows-derived OS.

X: Runs on a Windows-derived OS.


D: Dreamcast's marketing mantra.

X: Xbox 360's marketing mantra.


D: "Dreamcast will evolve much more into a network environment rather than a standalone system. It's not about you and the machine any more. It's about you competing against your friends, your enemies." - Charles Belfield, Sega's VP of Marketing

X: "Xbox 360 is driven by the passion of a worldwide community. It's a product that will bridge vast distances through shared stories and experiences...It's about the ability to connect with your communities." - J Allard, Corporate VP and Chief XNA Architect


D: Big selling point: Online for all with packed-in modem and SegaNet.

X: Big selling point: Online for all with built-in Ethernet port and Xbox Live Silver.


D: What is this?

X: Huh.


D: Unable to play the latest in cutting edge movie media (DVD).

X: Unable to play the latest in cutting edge movie media (HD-DVD/Blu-Ray).


D: Big selling point: Hi-def monitor output.

X: Big selling point: Hi-def monitor output.


D: Big proponent of customization.

X: Big proponent of customization.


D: Peter Moore spearheaded the marketing.

X: Peter Moore spearheaded the marketing.


D: Played previous generation games under emulation.

X: Played previous generation games under emulation.


D: Tetsuya Mizuguchi worked on highly anticipated First Party title (Space Channel 5).

X: Tetsuya Mizuguchi working on highly anticipated First Party title (Ninety-Nine Nights).


D: Exclusive promotional partner leading up to launch: Pepsi.

X: Exclusive promotional partner leading up to launch: Mountain Dew...which is owned by Pepsi.


D: Highly anticipated First Party racing game from Bizarre Creations (Metropolis Street Racer).

X: Highly anticipated First Party racing game from Bizarre Creations (Project Gotham Racing 3).


D: Unique selling point: Microphone peripheral.

X: Unique selling point: Microphone peripheral.


D: Software medium (GD-ROM) criticized as having not enough capacity by some developers.

X: Software medium (DVD-9) criticized as having not enough capacity by some developers.


D: Promised to be an evolutionary system - to someday play DVDs.

X: Promises to be an evolutionary system - to someday play HD-DVDs.


D: Crazy rich bald guy spotted at several promotional events leading up to launch.

X: Crazy rich bald guy spotted at several promotional events leading up to launch.


D: Planned to eventually offer larger storage capacity with a Zip drive.

X: Plans to eventually offer larger storage capacity with new Hard Drives.


D: Metal Gear Solid 2 trailer stole much of its next-generation thunder.

X: Metal Gear Solid 4 trailer stole much of its next-generation thunder.



Extra Reading