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Best "Out of Office" Automatic e-mail Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Bob'

11. I'm a VP...I only read emails from other VP's or higher and that is only if I like you...I have that right...I am a VP. If you got an auto out of office response...and you are not a VP or higher consider this the last message you will receive from me until I take another one of my 12 weeks of vacation. I am a VP (Vicious Prick).


Extra Reading

25 Things You’ve Always Wanted to Say at Work

01. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
02. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
03. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
04. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
05. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
06. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
07. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
08. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
09. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. Do you hear a buzzing noise? Oh wait, it's just you talking.
25. Who cares, I'm quitting anyways.


Extra Reading

40 Things You'd Like to Say Out Loud at Work

01. "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
02. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
03. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
04. "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
05. "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
06. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
07. "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
08. "I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
09. "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
10. "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
11. "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
12. "You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
13. "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
14. "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
15. "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
16. "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
17. "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
18. "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
19. "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
20. "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
21. "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
22. "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
23. "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
24. "Do I look like a people person?"
25. "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent light ing."
26. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
27. "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
28. "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
29. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
30. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
31. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
32. "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
33. "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
34. "Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
35. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
36. "Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."
37. "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
38. "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary."
39. "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
40. "Oh I get it... like humour... but different!!!"

In The Words Of Dante...

Penguin: I’M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!!!

Fish: lol

Fish: I asked if I could call the new people n00bs when they start here. I don’t think he’s going to go for it.

Penguin: I think it’s a good idea... Why don’t you tell them to go to the store for some elbow grease and some headlight fluid?

Fish: Hehe. I swear n00bie. If I have to turn around one more time... I won’t be responsible for my actions.

Penguin: And while they are there make them wear light red armor.

Fish: You know there’s a word for light red...

Penguin: Oh yeah? What is it?

Fish: Pink!

Penguin: I’m going to poison your next meal.

Fish: lol

Penguin: I still have to finish season three

Fish: And copy it.

Penguin: I don’t know... that is illegal.

Fish: HA!

Penguin: What... are you making fun of me because I am trying to be a law abiding citizen on this great here country.

Fish: LMAO! Mere l33t cannot express how funny that statement is!


Extra Reading

Monopoly Life

So I am on vacation right now and I really do not have too much to do except update Lj. As far a work update I am very excited about being at the bank. I have just recently gotten my promotion at the bank so that is very cool. Not really a serious promotion but at least it's something. I have gotten a raise and an increase in my security levels. All it means is I get to play with more money without someone watching over me. I have also been trying to do other duties that can help out. There was a time when there was no one on platform except me and the Assistant Manager... There were three people who were assigned to platform at the time... One was out on maternity leave, one was on disability and another was on three weeks vacation... So there I am, doing overtime in a position that I have not fully trained for. For my trouble the manager gave me two tickets that would let me get out of 2 hours worth of work each and the best part is that she would pay me for that time. More on these tickets later... Flippin sweet.

On more work news... After everything on the platform went back to normal... My Unit Supervisor was transferred... That was great... I could not apply to the position because the management of the branch said that I was not ready... I thought that was a load of crap because there are people that I have trained with that have been Unit Supervisors for quite a while. In the end I have to admit that I am nervous about the position because of everything that is necessary to do the job. Still everyone that I talk to seems to think that I am capable of doing the job. I still have so much trepidation about even applying. Who knows where things will for for that.

My last point of information about branch life is how one of the tellers quit. I went to lunch and was taking a nap. I always take a nap during lunch because I get so tired. Well at the time the Assistant Manager was in the lunch room as well and she too was taking a nap. It was a nice quiet lunch until The Rookie came into the lunch room and woke me up. One of the tellers was on the phone. The teller on the phone wanted to talk to the Assistant Manager but the rookie woke me up because he was not sure if he should wake up the ASM. So I wake her up and listen to the phone call. The teller wanted to quit and the best part was that she did not even want to come in the next day. She just wanted to quit and call it a day. Of course the manager insisted that she had to come in and at least hand in a letter of resignation. We had to count her box down that night. Oh what a debacle that was.

So now as far as tellers are concerned. We have a teller that quit so that it minus one. We have no unit supervisor. A role I was trying to help in. I had been doing some of the Unit Supervisor duties but now I am on vacation so that leaves them three people short.

Today I got a letter from the people at my branch today... It was a xerox of a picture of me with a message underneath it that said "Have you seen this teller." I laughed out loud when I read the note. A good times... Good times...


Extra Reading

FISH!!!

Zro: So how do you know Fish?

???: Oh I worked with him in Nanuet.

Zro: Oh I feel sorry for you.

???: No... He is like me. He seems like a quiet guy…

Zro: You know, the last time Cliff was quiet someone hit him over the head with an aluminum baseball bat.

???: No... He really is like me. He is such a nice guy...

Zro: You know, the last time Cliff was nice it was right before I hit him over the head with an aluminum baseball bat.

Make note I think Fish is one of the greatest people on here earth and one of my greatest friends...


Extra Reading

The Power of Zro

Penguin: Why is it when you tell people that they should write out their whole acct number they get angry. For example YXXXXXX when they should be writing 0Y-000-XXXXXX then they get angry and exclaim that it’s only a couple of zeros. Well let me give you three dollars for this three hundred dollar check... its only a couple of zeros.

Fish: The front 0 can be left off.

Penguin: Thanks killer but you know what I mean.

Fish: People don’t understand banking in general.

Penguin: People do not understand the power of zro.

Fish: How relevant yet egotistical.


Extra Reading

McBank

From working at the bank now and working at McDonald's years ago I have come to one undeniable truth: Everybody fucking hates drive thru.


Extra Reading

Started a New Job

all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy

all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy


all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
..all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
...all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
....all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.....all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
......all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.......all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
........all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.........all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
..........all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
...........all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
............all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.............all work and no play makes jack a dull boy


Extra Reading

Banking With Girls

So I started working at the bank today. Very cool. So as I sit there all I can think of is my JCP training. I also come to agree this great mathematical proof...

[girls] = [time] x [money]
...and as we all know "Time is Money"
[time] = [money]
...therefore
[girls] = [money] x [money]
...to simplify
[girls] = [money] 2
...and we all know that "Money is the root of all evil."
[money] = √[evil]
...therefore
[girls] = (√[evil])2
...so we are forced to conclude that
[girls] = [evil]


Extra Reading

5. Come Monday

Well this is a weekend in review:

Friday:
Friday my friends and I went to see Chronicles of Riddick. Holly crap!!! This movie was tolerable up until the moment where Vin Diesel opens his mouth. Corky from "Life Goes On" was more articulate than this guy. The apex of his vocabulary was the word, "incredible." That's right, the usage of four syllables were the pinnacle of this Neanderthals linguistic skills. "Incredible." He said it like he read it off the back of a cereal box. This dude was so bad he reminded me of some of the loss prevention officers that I have in my store. And the are people who are attracted to that. How can you like that stuff? Cromagnon Man has a better grasp of the American lexicon. What do you want? Just to get smashed over the head with a club and dragged into the cave. [grunts in frustration.]

After the movie I went to the bar and hang out there for a while. Then qubeley, monkey_god and I went to the Hudson river shore and skipped stones for an hour. It was great. Eleven a clock and I am teaching qubeley how to skip stones while holding a Grilled Stuffed Burrito from Taco Bell. I like those times the best. Just the three off us. My favorite is hanging at the train tracks.

Saturday:
Went to Khan's Restaurant for monkey's birthday. While I was waiting for them to arrive I went across the street to buy some candy. I was so oblivious as to what I was doing because of where I was that I almost got hit by a car. I was just looking down and this car came flying by just 12 inches in front of my face. Then the only other strange thing that happened was while I was balancing on this divider I saw this Morning Glory plant that was growing by the side of the road. The flowers were beautiful because they were all open. They were almost staring back at me as I looked at them. Then I noticed something else. The Morning Glory was growing right next to a Poison Ivy Plant. They were actually wrapped around one another. They seemed like they needed one another. The Morning Glory to provide the beauty and the ivy to provide the protection. This symbiotic love seamed to make them greater then the sum of their parts. Totally different but together they become stronger.

The food was great. The company was awesome. Some how it didn't feel as weird as I thought it would. God-damn memories. BD decided that he was not going on beyond the night. We hung out there for a while and then went to K-mart and then Denny's. The three of us just sat around talking. G-rod and I were talking about the cute girls on TechTV. I mentioned Megan Morrone. She was on the channel before he started watching it. She is not really a looker but she has this sort of nerdy cuteness that I think makes her attractive. I used to work with someone like that. Who else would look cute with a "Blue Screen of Death" T-Shirt on.




The whole way back I was so tired I just slept the whole drive down ... and I wasn't driving this time.

Sunday:
Well went to work and it sucked. Ran the third floor by myself for three hours. The greatness that is managerial planning was seriously lacking. Oh well I at five I told the manager that I was leaving at six. She told me she didn't want to let me go at six. I told her I did not ask for permission. I was telling her I was leaving and that's that.

Finally the only other thing that happened this weekend was the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Man does this stuff piss me off. Now my friends know my as a racially understanding guy. You would never hear me say something bad another persons culture or mannerism. ;-) You know that I would. I love making fun of my own people. Why? Because there dumb-asses do it to themselves. How many people have devoted themselves to unifying America into one sovereignty. They have tried to break down barriers of racial division that were truly evil. The Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, Linda Brown from Brown vs the Board of Education. Not to mention Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mohandas Gandhi. Do they not see that segregating themselves, even voluntarily, creates a rift in society that counters everything others before them have done. What others have been killed to bring for them. God-damn BET channel. It would not surprise me if a few people got back on a boat and started America v2.0 some where else because now they can weed out all the bugs from the system. Do you thing as minorities we would come together and try to assimilate as best we can into society... No. What do these people want to do? They want to have a parade celebrating their culture. So in honor of their culture I provide this...


Here comes Monday.

Extra Reading

The Passion of the Dying Embers of my Charcoal Heart

So it snowed again and I finally made it to work on Thursday. Yeah after four days off, work still sucked. I mean people still grab what ever they want, fondle the merchandise and just drop it wherever. You know my mother always told me to put things back where you found them.

Then again she also told me one day that the reason why we did not have power doors was for safety reasons. Imagine telling a small child this: If the car goes wildly out of control and we drive of a bridge into the water the power locks and windows will short circuit. Thus making us trapped in the car and we will drown in the icy cold waters. Later on I realized that the reason why we did not have power doors or power locks was because we were driving in a 1969 Volkswagen Beetle. You could see the road from inside the car. Power locks were just wishful thinking.

Back to work. This is the kind of people that I have to work with. When I was talking about the people who just litter merchandise around the store someone said they should get caned. Granted I was going to say pistol whipping but caning is a good second. Then someone else said, and I quote, "They should beat him like that guy in that movie."

Yeah that limits the choices down. So I politely, instead of kicking her across her stupid blond head, ask "What movie."

"You know that Passion movie."

"Yeah, that guys name was Jesus." This is the kind of people that I have to work with. When things like this happen all I want to do is run as fast as I can, right into a wall. But that would hurt and it would keep me from talking about this movie.

"Passion of the Christ" is geared to be the highest grossing film of all time. Jesus, that's a lot of money. I mean, I'm glad for Mel "Martin Riggs" Gibson. I mean god-bless him and all but it's not like that movie did not come out all Hollywood. Let's analyze this. Let's look at the ending. Really Judas betrays Jesus. That's the best plot twist since the "Sixth Sense." And the hero dies at the end. That is the best hero death since "Thelma And Louise." There is all this talk about "Who killed Jesus?" All I have to say is, "Who cares?" There would not be a good ending if he lives. Who cares if he dies He's resurrected. He comes back, "No Harm, No Foul" right.

You know Jesus will some how come back from the dead for the sequel and then there will be "P2: The Resurrection." He will come back all powerful and then out of no where Mel's friend, Danny Glover, will be there to stop Jesus from taking more souls. Wait a second that's Predator. Wrong "P" Movie. Then there is the Prequel idea. Screw you Phantom Menace. That's where you find out that Jesus' power actually comes from little organisms that live in his blood stream. So much for the Holy Power of god.

Extra Reading

If You Cut Me ... Do I Not Bleed?

Some people are so lame. So at work we have the 'loss prevention' team. Well they have been cracking down on people holding stuff for themselves behind the register. You should see these guys cracking down. They walk through the whole store. The whole damn team. Like seven of them is needed to get rid of the evil teddy bear contraband that is being put on hold for someones child. Well the loss prevention manager has been holding something behind my register for months now and the only reason why no one takes it away is because it belongs to him. I told him that he should buy it and not leave it there. Well he took it but he gave me this attitude that I should not get on his bad side. That just blows man. Some people just have to abuse their power. So many people had the stuff that they were holding put back and he does stuff like that. I mean you are the loss prevention manager. At least have the decency to follow your own rules. I was just tired of seeing his power corrupt more and more as his stupid bag sat there. I mean fair is fair. I so hate this elitism crap that he was trying to pull. Oh well I guess I just pissed someone else of at work. All in the name of scruples and morality.

The Grind Stone

Ok so I'm laying in bed and i should be getting ready to go to work. I have to be there in 45 min. Imagine taking a shower and getting dressed and eating breakfast and putting on my contacts and driving to work in 45 min. I wont make it so why even bother.

I finally should talk that yesterday or today at 2am was my first post ever. I have no idea if that is special in any way. I don't think so. I am typing this on Text Document by OpenOffice.org it's a cheap, free, just as good maybe better version of Microsoft Word. It's even compatible with word so you can send documents to all those people who don't know any better that they can get a free program instead of shelling out 300 dollars. The reason why I type on the program first is because My spelling sucks. I have this one friend who can spell really well but she just uses the wrong word. For example, when she says: "I can't wait." Instead of sing the word 'wait,' she says 'weight.' I think she is calling me fat. Just another grate day to start the day. That last one was a joke. Most people won't see it.