Doctor, you haven't even touched your food.

So I have discovered something new in my life. No it's not self-sealing stem bolts. I just got a new job. I needed to make some extra cash to pay for my unfortunate accident. By accident I mean owning a structurally weak car. While most people would just say that I should just buy myself a gas guzzling, ego busting, environmental destroying, penis enlarging, mid-life crisis curing, bald spot hiding SUV I am forced to wonder, "What Would Jesus Drive?"

But seriously I am actually enjoying my new job. It creates a little change in the routine so thats nice. I have been eating the same mall food food for what has to be the better part of 30 years. At least it feels that way. Eating the same food over nd over again I feel like that guy, whose name no one knows, whole was stuck on Blue Lagoon with Brooke Shields. Maybe it was having to eat the same food day after day or maybe it was Her whining but either would have made gobble those poison berries. I probably would have shove some up my ass just to be doubly sure that they would work. Which brings us to the topic of choice today. FOOD. And most importantly MALL FOOD.

Panda Express: I went and I got some good old Chinese food. When I say good, I mean bad. When I say old, I mean old. Well I like plenty of sauce on my Chinese. I put some duck sauce, some soy sauce, and some hot sauce on my Lo Mein. They did not have duck sauce. What ind of Chinese restaurant does not have duck sauce. Don't they have mallards in th back just pumping this stuff out. I want sauce.

CVS: I know when I say CVS I know that you guys are thinking. Home made breakfast. Well let me tell you that is not the case. I went to CVS and I hot some Slim Jims. Sure because when I say healthy nutritious breakfast I must mean the mechanically separated chicken that makes up this sub-jerky substitute. Just like Grandma used to make. Because grandma used the left over meats from all the animals in the farm. Well you know how they are supposed to wrapped up in a way that the jerky will never go bad. I mean this stuff is supposed to be around as a dietary supplement for the cockroaches after all the humans have wiped themselves of the face of the earth. Well this one jerky I got was green, gray, fuzzy and moldy. Not exactly the epitome of freshness.

McDonalds: They were handing out nutritional facts pamphlet. Not even on god paper so I could blow my nose on it. It you are getting you, if you are getting your nutritional advice from a McD's pamphlet then you need to take of that aluminum hat you keep wearing on your head.

Wendy's: Ok the the weird thing about Wendy's is that the chilly is mostly beans. And we all know what beans does to a man. Seriously though I thought I was some cowboy in the Midwest just having beans with every meal. Sit next to the fire and have some more beans. You know the kind of place where the basic food groups are beans and bacon and bourbon. But you don't want to eat any of it but you know it will be around because that stuff keep and keeps and keeps. Finally the really weird thing that happened to me me while I was dining on the food, and I use that term loosely, of Dave Thomas. I was using a straw for my drink. I would use it for my chilly but do you know why I couldn't. Too many beans. Well you know when you rip a small part of the end of the straw wrapper. Well then you take the part of the straw that is not in the wrapper and put it in your mouth and blow. Well this time I pointed the straw into the air. Usually it's at someone. Usually their face. Usually their eye. Well the weird thing was that the paper wrapper just stuck to the wall about 15 feet in the air. I was really weird and I took away my appetite for beans. I swear they barely give you any meat. It's vegetarian chilly. I am not a vegetarian I did not work my way up the food chain just so I can give up my spot and eat Fabaceae or Leguminosae. Except maybe the tamarind that is good stuff. Beans. They are not even good tasting beans. I know I've been on the bean subject but come on. Oh and their portions suck.

Wow I swore this post would be a short one tonight. That is it about food. There I touched it are you happy.

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