Drinking With Leonard

Leonard inved this drink in Needles, California in the Summer of 1975. He wrote about it in the book "Death Of A Lady's Man" in 1978. Then he ang about it in 1992's "The Future" in the sond "Closing Time."

Here is the recipe:
Tequila
Cranberry juice
Ice
Lemon and/or exotic fruits


Extra Reading

Conversations With Oma Desala

Standing in a dark room by myself. There are no doors and no windows. As I spin around there is a small girl in the room with me.
Wow how did you get here.
I have been here for some time.
Good. Can you tell me where "here" is?
Here is everywhere you are.
I figure that I should start my questioning a different way.
So who are you?
I am many things.
Some how you look familiar.
Lightning flashes, sparks shower, in one blink of your eye you have mis-seen.
But you are just a child. How can I learn anything from you.
There is a child in all of us.
Wow that's a useful piece of knowledge right there. So what are you going to to teach me now?
I cannot teach you what you already know.
You know I don’t really like this cryptic stuff. I would leave if I could.
Your fate is in your hands.
So are you going to answer the questions that I have wanted answers to all of my life.
Questions are plentiful. Answers are few.
I just want to know what I am suppose to do with my life.
You must release your burden before you can find your own way again.
I am starting to get angry.
But I need your help to figure all these things that will help me make the world a better place. Why is there all this pointless evil in the world? Some times I hate these things so much I just want to die.
When the mind is enlightened the spirit is freed and body matters not.
What is that supposed to mean. I have no idea what you are talking about. I thought you were here to help me.
Ultimately a man travels his chosen path alone.
So then why am I having this dream?
Dreams teach.
Teach what?
Teach that the true nature of a man is decided in the battle between his conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious. The evil of the mind's subconscious is too strong to resist.
So What am I supposed to do about it? How am supposed to fight against this evil.
The only way to win is to deny it battle.
I don't believe that. We are not inherently evil.
I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.
But snowflakes are beautiful and I am not. I am not unique. I am like all the crap in the world.
You do not have the same evil within you.
Thanks some how I still do not feel like my soul has been saved. Where do I go from there?
Anyone can reach enlightenment. Anyone prepared to open their mind.
But what about in the end... What if I look back on my life and realize that I have not done anything worth while and my life does not up to anything.
The success or failure of your deeds does not add up to the sum of your life.
How am I supposed to decide whether or not my life is worth while.
Judge yourself by the intention of your actions and by the strength of which you faced the challenges that have stood in your way.
I can not do that. I have become to bitter in my life to do that fairly to myself.
If the instrument is broken, the music will be sour.
The music does not play the musician.
Normally there is truth in that.
Really because I was just throwing stuff out there. Actually I have no idea what I am talking about.
She smiles at me. It's the greatest smile I have ever seen.
Why do you feel you have failed on your journey?
I don't think that I have done anything in my life. I am falling into the abyss. That is what I call it you know. That's what growing older and not achieving anything is for me... an abyss.
You feel your journey must continue until you have found redemption for these failures?
I never made the world a better place. I was supposed to teach everyone how to be nice to one another. I was supposed to teach everyone how to be understanding to one another. In the end I just ruined my life.
You have chosen a path that leads to me because of this?
Yes. I did nothing I wanted. I was going to write a book that would help the world.
Words cannot express things, speech cannot convey the spirit, swayed by words, one is lost. One cannot carry darkness on the great path.
I hate this. I hate this room. Where ever I am. I don't want to hear anything. I want to be a bad person again.
The river tells no lies. Though standing on the shore the dishonest man still hears them.
I don't know what I know anymore. Sometimes I think I am the dumbest person alive.
You can never reach enlightenment if you do not believe you are worthy.
So maybe I am not worthy.
She speaks in a way that gives me confidence.
These tasks of which you speak were great challenges. Perhaps they were even impossible to achieve.
So I failed. Everyone was right. I am a failure.
The universe is vast and we are so small. There is only one thing we can truly control.
Oh yeah? What could I possible control in my life?
Whether we are good or evil.
I have tried to be a good person and I have tried to be a bad person. I don't know which one I truly am.
A tall man cannot hide in the short grass.
All I want to do is fit in. I will do anything to fit in with the rest of the world just so I don't feel alienated.
You have your own burdens of which to rid yourself.
I hate this existence that I have created for myself. I get up. Work. I go back to sleep. I feel so trapped.
The mind is always free.
I don't want to be free. I want to be bound. Bound to to another person so when I go to sleep I know someone will be waiting. Instead I get blamed for everything when I tried my best.
Within you is the capacity for trust.
I did trust. I trusted and was deceived. Deceived when I tried to earn trust.
You must trust. You must believe.
I tried to believe but I feel more comfortable with my wall to protect me.
Leaves fall from the tree once a year but the tree still grows strong and proud.
So did I reach enlightenment or what?
Because it is so clear, it takes a longer time to realize it, if you immediately know the candlelight is fire, then the meal was cooked a long time ago.
Then what?
The rest is up to you.
I scream. I thought she would reply in anger. But instead she replies with more compassion.
A spark lights the flame but the candle will only burn as long as the wick.
That just pisses me off. I ask her what the fuck does that mean.
What the fuck does that mean.
You must complete the journey you began. Only then will you be able to find your way to the Great Path.
Alright... What if I don't want to reach enlightenment.
Walking the Great Path brings great responsibility. You cannot fear it nor hesitate in your resolve.
Begins to walk away and I call out to her.
Well I guess it's time for me to continue on my "Path."
And it is time for me to continue on mine.
For some reason I am now calm again.
Will I ever see you again?
All roads eventually lead to the great path.
You still have not answered my question.
The little girl smiles.
Many cross on the way.
I smile and walk away.

Once (Fish remember this)

Once,
On yellow paper with green lines, he wrote a poem.
And he called it "CHOPS"
Why???
Because that was the name of his dog.
And that was what it was all about.
And the teacher gave him an "A",
And a big gold star to put on the paper.
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door,
And read it to his aunts.
That was the year his sister was born,
With tiny toenails and no hair.
And Father Tracy took the children to the zoo,
And let them sing on the bus.
And his mother and father kissed a lot.
And the girl around the block sent him a Christmas card,
Signed with a row of X-s.
And his father always tucked him in bed at night,
And was always there to do it.

Once,
On white paper with blue lines, he wrote another poem.
And he called it "AUTUMN"
Why???
Because that was the name of the season,
And that was what it was all about.
And the teacher gave him an "A",
And told him to write more clearly.
And his mother didn't hang it on the kitchen door,
Because the door had just been painted.
That was the year his sister got glasses,
With big black frames and thick lenses.
And Father Tracy smoked cigars,
And left the butts on the pews.
And kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot.
And the girl around the block laughed at him,
When he went to see Santa Clause at Macy's.
And his father didn't tuck him in bed at night,
And got mad when he cried for him.

Once,
On paper torn from his notebook, he wrote a poem.
And he called it "QUESTIONS FROM THE INNOCENT"
Why???
Because that was how he felt at the time,
And that was what it was all about.
And the teacher didn't give him an "A",
And she gave him a strange look.
And his mother didn't hang it on the kitchen door,
Because he never showed it to her.
That was the year his sister was caught,
Caught necking on the back porch steps.
And Father Tracy was sent to jail,
Because he was caught molesting children.
And his mother and father never kissed or even smiled.
And the girl around the block wore too much makeup.
It made him cough but he still kissed her all the same.
And around 3:00 AM he tucked himself in bed,
And his father soundly snoring.

Once,
On the back of a pack of matches, he wrote a poem.
And he called it "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING"
Why???
Because that's how people treated him,
And that was what it was all about.
And he gave himself an "A",
And a SLASH ON EACH DAMN WRIST.
And he hung it on the bathroom door.
Because he couldn't reach the kitchen.


Extra Reading

No Trespassing

Violators Will Be Shot


Survivors Will Be Shot Again


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BitTorrent Rul3z

So I finally got the whole Gargoyles series downloaded. I have been watching it as much as I can. My sister came upstairs last night and we watched Awakening. This is the best series ever. Fish is supposed to give me blank cd-r's so I can burn them for him. Fifteen should do it. I hope he doesn't want Batman TAS.

The only thing that sucks is that you have to install the DivX DoDec to watch the episodes. This rocks. It's amazing how no one in the city knows about the Gargoyles until the last season. God I love this series.

My next download... Thundercats Hoooooo!!!

ps. If you you do a google search for "Thundercats ho" with five "o's" google will asked you if you misspelled the word ho and suggests "ho" with six "o's".


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Remember July 9-11

Last weekend in review. Yeah I know that I have been dealing with a lot of things in the past lately but I have been so depressed that I have not bothered writing anything in a long while. I have no idea why I write this stuff right now but I figure that it will help later.

This weekend was new managers weekend to work. Sweet. Friday was great until I found out that one of the assistant managers, the one I went to the gym with, was not going to be there on Saturday. Well Saturday was going like usual until the new manager and I ran into one another in the break room. We talked for hours. I was the greatest thing ever. Haven't done that in so long. A decent conversation. First one in a long time. Instead of the email I got last Wednesday. There was no conversation there. How do you talk to someone who blames you for everything. Well back to JCP. She had me recover the whole third floor. The other people that were closing were useless.

So anyway she found me in my fitting room. God I hate cleaning the fitting room. One person having to try on a pair of pants is understandable. But when he has to try on the same pair of pants in every color than that mean he's a dumb ass. Seriously what happened to your imagination.

Well she sat there while I hung up pants and laughed when I made a fool of myself. I pulled a pair of pants of the hanger while they were on the rack and the hanger whipped around and smacked me on the mouth. My bottom lip bled like a bastard. After she left I thought "A human can swallow a pint of blood before he gets sick."

Finally the store closed and she game me a ride to my car since everyone on the planet had come to the mall I had to park my car in the ass end of the parking lot.

Sunday was boring. I'm serious, no one came into the store. No one wanted to buy anything. I dragged some clearance dress shirts into the middle of the isle, even though I wasn't supposed to but come on thats when people buy it. No one bought anyway.

Then came lunch again. There were four of us this time. The three weekend managers and me. We had a great time talking about so many things. Like Niagara Falls and the New York Botanical Garden (NYBG for some.) It was great until this crazy chick from another department asks me what department I was a manager of. I knew what she was getting at but I just wanted to placate her. I was sitting with the management team and not with the other associates. It's not really my fault is it. You should have heard her topic of conversation. These people kill me they really do. They have nothing interesting to talk about but they expect me to talk to them anyway.

After dinner I helped one of the managers sit behind the catalog desk while one of the associates took their break. That manager for something and then the new manager came in and sat with me while we took care of the desk. I made announcements. The first time that the store has been forced to listen to my voice over the PA. We sat there for a long time just drawing and talking about jewelery and engagement rings. She wants me in her department.

Finally recovery. I had to clean up the basics pad. Damn did that suck. Then the new manager comes and starts to help. She asks me some questions about what ever. Stupid stuff but the conversation was much appreciated. I was bored and lonely in that place. We talked for a while until she said, "Damn I have to go find my keys. It costs $30,000 to replace all the locks." I then it hits me, "Fuck. Not again."


Extra Credit

Remember July 2-5

Ok so this is told in flash back. Last Thursday (040708.160000) I was about to leave the store and the new manager was talking to a someone else I work with in the break room. The second girl, not the manager, is great actually we had gone to the gym just a few days before.

She is really cool and I would love to go to the gym but who has the $65.00 a month. If anyone would like to donate to the "Get-My-Fat-Ass-In-Shape Fund" please call. She was all calm while we were there. But she really didn't seem to push herself, so while we ran I kept pushing her speed up. Not crazy fast but faster than she normally would have gone. It was great. I was in my normal work out clothes, a pair of black basketball shorts and a ripped up white t-shirt. She was so cool though. We were so close to one another while we talked about so many things. Mostly about ... stuff. I'm sure she could smell me while we we talked. I worked up such a sweat while I was on the treadmill I'm sure she could smell it. But she was so cool and didn't complain or anything.

So anyway the new manager asks me how I'm doing. Wrong question to ask. The weekend before was not exactly the greatest week.

Friday: a friend of mine from Boy Scouts, that had already tried to kill himself once decided to run away from home. Well actually he drove his car all the way to Chicago. I was so weird. His dad had to go and get him because he ran out of money and had run out of gas. I remember seeing him in the hospital after he tried to hang himself two or three years ago ... it was so surreal. He still had the rope burns on his neck.

Saturday: Qubeley left for England. ENGLAND!!! For three weeks. THREE WEEKS!!! THREE!!! I have no idea what I'm going to do with out her. I'm not kidding. I threated to throw her blond ass in the trunk of my car for three weeks. Hey it wouldn't be the first time. (No, I'm just kidding.) But it was so cool hanging out with her and Fish in the courtyard of their neighborhood. England give me back my friend...

Later Saturday 1: Something happened which was so bad that I won't even mention it here. But I will talk about the repercussions later.

Later Saturday 2: Went home and watched some TV while I waited for Fish to pick me up to go to the movies. He calls me like thirteen times. He even called my house phone. But I never answer that phone. And he sent me text messages. But my phone was in my room charging so I never got them. The funny thing is that he never even bothered to knock on the door. That day we had actually added an extra door, so he had three doors to knock on. He was truly afraid that I had sliced my wrists in the bathtub. I mean its a great idea. I was always afraid to do it in my room. I did not was to get blood on the carpet. Well anyway it was very cool of him to worry and we got to the movies on time and Spider-Man 2 was just as cool the second time. They dropped me off at home late.

Later Saturday 3: When Fish dropped me off I was so damn depressed I went for a walk. I ended up in Peirmont from my house. I got some fireworks and just went walking. I blew some up in the Lowes parking lot by my house and then continued walking. All the way to Piermont. I passed STAC. It seemed dead and old since I had been gone. As I walked, it was strange looking at all the people still awake watching TV in their nice little homes. I wondered how important their happy little lives were and what would be needed to destroy that. So I threw another firecracker into the me middle of the street. There was this really nice house with all of these Hostas in the garden. Now there are at least 23 species of Hostas and at lest 84 cultivars of the plant known to exist but did she have to use all of them. I don't think Hostas and wild rose constitutes a garden. Did you know there is an American Hosta Society. Stupid. The house was located on nice wetlands she could have used some Cardinal flower Lobelia cardinalis L. or some Joe-Pye Weed Eupatorium purpureum. Both of these are native plants and look great in the wetlands. Trust me I know wetland gardening. So on I walked. As I walked I saw a bug zapper and I stood there listing to bugs getting killed. The blue light and the zapping consumed me for a while but I had to move on. The town of Peirmont seems strange. Everyone has a BMW or a Mercedes-Benz in each drive way parked right next to a VW. I thought that these people bought themselves a crappy car just so the could save money and buy a great car that they could show off to everyone else. No Lexus though. Which is a good thing because I probably would have blown up a firecracker in the grill of the car. Well walked to the pier and smoked some cigarettes while I thought a while and blew up more fireworks. On my way back home I threw my liter at the road and it exploded with a rather loud bang. Continued to walk home and saw a Lexus. No more firecrackers though. Got home and crashed. Total time walking: two hours and 35 minutes. Total distance covered according to Yahoo: 5.5 miles.

Sunday: An uncle from Peru dies and I get the great news. Fucking crazy. My dad was all upset. He just sat outside talking to my mom drinking wine for most of the night. I don't even have a passport or money to go to Peru for the funeral. Fuck!

Monday: go with my friend down to the city to his Grandmothers wake. That was sad as hell. I saw him kneel in front of the coffin and I had no idea what to do. I just sat there talking to his cousin. I'm an idiot I hate funerals I always think about myself when I am there. Went to Canal Street and then home to go to sleep.


Extra Reading

Cat Love

I'm sitting here in the basement and the cat walks by...

My mom asks her why she smells. She says, and I quote, "Cat, why do you smell. Is there some male cat out there that you are goofing with."

I laughed my ass off.

My little brother says maybe it's because she licks herself too much.

Well she is not licking the top of her head thats for sure.

Still laughing.


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Remember June 1

Went to the Paramus mall to hang out with a friend of mine. This is how much of a genius I am. He had called me a few days before and at first he had wanted to meet up at seven. I said five. So we compromised to six. Well on the day of the meeting I think to myself... What time should I get there... I think to myself... "Well he had wanted to meet at seven and I had wanted to meet at six so we must have compromised to six-thirty." So like a dumb ass I walk around the mall waiting for six-thirty with he is sitting at the bar waiting. I got to go to another JCPenney. I should try to go to all of them. That would be cool. Picture of me in front of ever JCP on the planet. Well the rest of the night was really cool, once I apologized like a zillion times. He drank some beers and I just had soda then we both had buffalo wings. Then the best part... When the bar got too loud We walked around the mall. I don't mean through the mall looking at all the shops... I mean around the mall. Well talked about everything from philosophy to not feeling ducks bread.

Amazingly I looked up this very topic up on the Internet and most people are retarded. They say it's ok to feed a duck bread but on the credible websites I found and which seamed to match what the people at the Audubon Society have told me is this. The bread is a nutrition less food that does nothing for the animal. Also if it is a water fowl they will proceeded to contaminate the ground with their crap and since the bread passes right though them it will make their habitat unhealthy. Also if birds become used to being fed they will loose their migratory instinct and then suffer later when there is no one around to feed them. Not to mention that their habitat will not have the time to recuperate while they are not around. The last thing... I'll just shut the hell up now.

But any way it was really cool walking and talking and stuff. There was this chair there that was kind of lonely. It didn't have a back on it it seemed like it was only used while people went outside on their cigarette breaks.

We talked about Catcher in the Rye some more. He told me that I was just like Holden. Could be worse I say.

Well I hope that we get to do it again sometime.


Extra Reading

Remember June 26

Went to my aunts house and we watched movies again. We watched the whole Kevin Smith five movie Jersey Girl trilogy collection except for "Dogma." Very cool. She wanted to watch "Chasing Amy."

We talked all through the preparation of dinner and drank Gin and Tonics. The salad we had was awesome. You know one of those big salads that you just eat right out of the salad bowl. Blue cheese... cue the Homer Simpson druel.

I have always had a problem with the movie "Chasing Amy" so I figured that I might need another drink to help me through it. On my third drink of Mostly-Gin-and-Not-so-much-Tonic I was hammered on the floor. Not one of those cool buzzes that you can tell all your friends about it latter. No this is one of those drunken times when you have to hold on to the carpet just to keep from falling off the face of the earth.

Then we watched mall rats. I missed the part with Stan Lee. Check out how many movies this guy has been in.

Then I was still not ready so we watched "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." I drank so many bottles of water to wash that crap out of my body. Finally I was ok to get out of there and drive home. Called my aunt to tell her that I was home ok and that I did not crash into any of the five cop cars that passed me in the way home. After that nothing but darkness for 10 hours and then the hang over...


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A Blast From The Past

ok so I was talking to a friend of mine and she told me about this poem that I had written in college. I figured that someone out there might like it. I have changed a word or two to make it sound better. Don't forget that this is four or more years old so some people might think its crappy. I promise I will write more later and about my great week.

I want to live
I want to live with my loved one
I want to be with her through out the night
I want to be there when she awakes
I want to hear her calling out my name in the night
I want to catch all the strands of her golden love
I want to make her dreams tangible;
...turn her wishes into birds of flight
I want to catch her joy and carry it with me;
...to use,
...to cherish when I am down
...and once again be happy as if I was with her
...then crush and mix these feelings
...'till they become a mirrored emotion back at her
...and we share a warm glow of love.


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Look In On The children At Night In The Glow Of Their Donald Duck Light

Ok this my first post since... my last one. So here goes...

Children: If you asked me if I wanted to have children two years ago I would have said: Children are a sexually transmitted disease. Now if you ask me I will still say that I don't like children. But for a while I thought that they were ok.

I have two brothers and one sister. The girl is the oldest who I have named Sparky. The middle child, who is a boy I named Spanky. The youngest boy I have named Speedy.

My dad game them all Scientific names as a joke one time. That's what kind of nerdy family I live in. Here they are.
Sparky = Bratus gigantus
Spanky = Bratus horribilus
Speedy = Bratus imputicus

Sparky and I are very close. Until recently I used to pick her up from school and we used to play on the playground for about 15 minutes. I was not a very long time but we got to bond and I got to talk about scientific ... stuff. Sometimes I feel bad because I wake her up when I go downstairs to watch tv at 11pm. She is the only one of the three that is still allowed to go into my room. Plus she is really cool. How else do you describe a nine year old girl who likes to listen to "Break on Through" by the Doors.

Spanky is a great. The most emotionally attached child I know. One time he cried for 45 minutes when we tried to throw away a refrigerator cardboard box he had been playing with. The thing was three days old and had been ripped and it had rained on it. He still cried. He hates eating so on the days that I do eat with the family I usually feed him. I hate it because he is six ... or something around that age, and he still can't feed himself. His humor is unmatched by any of the other children. Right now we are going to a hard time trying to teach him the meaning of what is mine is mine. Other than that he has always been great to be around. Except when he distracts me during yoga. But when he hang out in the kitchen when I am washing the dishes we can always listen to some good Techno music.

Speedy is the last one. With the most confident demeanors of all three he is destined to lead, just like his big sister. He is sure of himself and knows what he wants. unfortunately he wants his mother a little too much. When he gets too tiered sometimes he will just fall asleep underneath the diner table. But being the youngest and thus the smallest he is still travel sized. One of the greatest moments was when he fell asleep on my chest while I lay on the floor. I'm sure there are pictures of this momentous event out there.

So anyway. This are the children of my life and I love all three of them. Except for when they do not eat their diner. They were having a baby sale in my store. I actually asked if I could bring in a baby and see if I could exchange it for another one of equal or lesser value. They said no. Bad customer service.

Yesterday I somehow the topic of children came up and this girl I work with asked me what if I met a girl that had a child already. I thought about it for a while and maybe a while ago I might have thought, "Who cares if she has a child. Thats just a drop of rain in the sea, in the grand scheme of things."

The tide is turning.

But now... Well now I am back. I am back to loving my three siblings and spoiling the hell out of them with gifts. It will be a while before I buy them another computer though.

For Now I'm off to get a vasectomy.


Extra Reading

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long
Any time she goes away

I wonder this time where she's gone
I wonder if she's gonna stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
An' this house just ain't no home
Any time she goes away

An' I know-I know-I know-I know-I know-I know
I know-I know-I know-I know ....
Yeah, I'm gonna leave that young thing alone
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone - oh oh

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness every day
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
An' this house just ain't no home
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away


Don't post a comment... please.


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