What's Wrong With Women of the World

So the other day I went to my friend's graduation. Let me tell you... it was so hot. I was sweating like crazy. There was this point in the ceremony when one of the students got to speak. He had to talk the whole time in metaphor. I think people that speak in metaphor should be shot through the groin.

Well anyway finally I picked up my friend and we were walking back to my car. Since there were close to 37.5 billion people at the school I had to park two blocks away. I was actually surprised how many hispanics were there. I always figured that when a hispanic goes to school they are there for life.

Any way... As we are walking down the street this girl drives up, driving in the same direction, on the other side of the side of the street. She is wearing glasses and she leans a little bit out the window and yells out my friend's name. Then she says, "She's sooo hot!"

This always makes me laugh because I know how uncomfortable it makes her. The other day we went to Johny Rockets and the waitress was hitting on her. She hates it but I ca not help but think it's the funniest thing on the planet. I about lost it when the waitress winked at her and offered her a little something-something.

So am walking and I am laughing and thinking this is awesome.

Then it hits me...

I ask, "She did say, 'SHE'S so hot!' Right."

But she did not...

The driver had to stop because of the traffic and we caught up to her... Then, she leaned out the window a little bit again and then she said it. I heard it clearly this time... She thought I was hot... I was floored. I did not know know to do. I was thinking of something intelligent to say but I could not. I just stood there with my mouth open.

I am thinking she had cataracts she should not be driving.

But it does not stop there.

About six weeks ago I went to my friends house. She had asked me to come over to install some new drapes. She bought them at JCP and realized that she could not have the janitor install them. I had never installed drapes before but I figured I could do it. I have installed Network Interface Cards while boozed up, I figured that I could do this no problem.

It just so happened that on this day it was boiling hot. It had to be close to a billion degrees and since I have yet to get my new car I do not have air conditioning... All I could do was drive with my windows open... The faster I drive the more air I got so I drove really fast. Not that I would not drive that fast anyway but this time I had a pretty good reason... So I pull into her apartment complex and slowly peel myself off my seat. For those of you who can not picture how hot this is try imagining that moment when you are trying to remove that soggy boot of your foot but it will not come off. All that happens is it creates some weird sucking sound. Yeah it was like that.

So I grabbed the drill that I had brought with me. I knew that I would have a little manual labor to do. She said I should bring it so I could drill. She is really into the double entendre. I threw the drill into my book-bag and started walking towards her apartment. Literally, seconds after I got out of my car I was all sweaty. I was wearing my burgundy shirt that day. Try to imagine this really nice satin shirt but instead of it being nice and flowing it is sticking to my skin like a piece of Saran Wrap. To add to my problems I did not bring a change of clothes. So as I am walking I have to go up this walkway. Now I am really sweating buckets. So I just decide that will unbutton my shirt on my way to her apartment. I had already un-tucked my shirt so so I just started unbuttoning it from the top.

So let me redraw this mental picture for those who are having a hard time imagining it. I am walking down this sidewalk along the side of the building. I figure that there would be no one was going to see me. They were all inside their apartments staying cool with the air conditioners. I was so happy that I had unbuttoned every button in my burgundy shirt. It was just flapping in the air.

Then... Just as I was reaching for the doorknob, my friends neighbor comes out of her apartment. She notices me walking around with my shirt all open. Well this broad smile just spreads itself across her face. All I can do is cover myself back up. You know when Elmer Fudd is chasing Bugs Bunny and then Bugs runs into the bathroom and hides for a second. Then when Elmer opens the door, Bugs pretends to be a girl and then quickly covers himself up and screams. Yeah that was me at that very moment.

Well thats it... If there is anyone else out there who happens to have these kind of ideas... Please... I urge you to go to the optometrist before anything goes wrong....


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