Vasectomy... Do it for the kids.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am not really a big fan of kids. Actually I have been quoted as saying, "Kids are a sexually transmitted disease." And for the most part I have always thought this was true. I mean they are loud, smelly and annoying. Parents have this tendency of sitting miniaturized, monstrous, versions of themselves on my counter at work. When they leave I really have to clean my station. I do not want that smelly baby order around me. Then some people have stated, but wait werent you once a kid. Yes I was. And guess what, I was loud, smelly and annoying. And if you get me on the right day I might still be all of these.

But I have realized there is a group of people that I hate even more than kids. That group of people is the parents. Seriously. I think peoples IQ drops to whatever age their kid is. At this time I would like to clarify that I am measuring age by years. I have no idea what compels people to say, "The baby is 52 or 53 weeks old." Yeah there is another way to say that. "One Year." Even if it is 53 weeks, it is still a year. You dont hear me saying that I am 1,328 weeks old.

Still, that is not the part that annoys me. What really gets my blood boiling is when parents or anyone else in a twelve foot radius around the child starts to talk like a special needs patient. Let me tell you if I was a child and I had the necessary motor skills and hand-eye coordination, I would smack whoever was talking to me like that. Why would anyone teach their kids to talk like that? And you ARE teaching them. Anything you do a child will pick up on. I remember the first time my little brother said, "f--k." Personally I thought that was funny but that just proves that they really do pick up everything. While I do not suggest you curse like a sailor around your children. Do not teach your kids to talk one way only to teach them to talk in proper English later.

The last thing that I notice parents doing is their desire to take naked pictures of their children. They are in the bathtub or in their crib or wherever. Let me give you some advice. DO NOT DO THAT. Yeah there is a sure way on how to get your child to hate you later on. Just use that picture and do something stupid with it. Because all parents inevitably do. They take the pictures and put them in their childs high school yearbook. Youre kids do not really need too much or a reason to hate you. Do not give them another excuse that they can use at some future trial for a Menendez Crime.

For those who are wondering, there are no such pictures of me. I am sure its not for lack of trying. I was born in South America and there was barely any running water let alone a camera. The closest thing we came to a picture taking device was our memory. We did not even have a police sketch artist, thats how pour we were. That compiled with the fact that I did not bring home the little form to let my parents buy some space on my high school yearbook. Yeah that means I totally skipped that embarrassing part of my life. Yeah, my high school career was embarrassing enough. Its not like I need to go out with a bang. For any one who has ever seen me drunk knows what I am talking about.

The last thing I hate about parents is their desire to make their children look like they a little Einstein. "Did you know little Tommy can already count to ten?" "Well Nicky can sing the alphabet." So what... One of these days I am going to say, "Well guess what. My little brother is doing my taxes. Granted its only the 1040EZ but hey he is only three give him time."

Ok thats it. Please feel free to have kids. Just not around me.


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