This goes out to you... G-Rod

5. BONE-WIELDING MONKEY in 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
Man has come along away over the last few millennia, but we're definitely still part monkey. Back at the dawn of man, when apes roamed the Earth freely, all it took was a giant black monolith to make them realise that bones could be used for more than just picking your teeth. Take a look at the simian nature of US warlord George W. Bush as he wields the world's most deadly weapons and there's not a whole lot of difference. The primates in the opening scenes of Stanley Kubrick's epic sci-fi don't do much apart from scream, snarl and bash things, but they plant the seed for man's future destructive nature. Legend has it the movie was passed over for an honorary Make-Up Oscar because the head of the panel thought the director used real monkeys. What a dumbass.

4. JACK in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
This little imp was named after Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow and causes just as much trouble as his namesake. He's also cinema's first ever indestructible primate, affected as he was by the pirate's curse and destined to be monkey by day, skeleton by night. A mischievous little fellow, he serves Captain Barbossa in the first movie, before being captured by Jack Sparrow in the second and offered as payment to ancient crone Tia Dalma. Ignoring various animal rights organisations, Sparrow takes great pleasure in shooting his monkey in the face to relieve frustration, much to little Jack's annoyance. He doesn't know how lucky he is; how many tailors are there on the high seas who can fit a monkey for a pirate's outfit?

3. THE NAZI MONKEY in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
The last person you'd expect to double-crossed intrepid adventurer cum archaeologist Indiana Jones would be a cuddly little monkey, but this back-stabbing little fucker answers only to the Führer. A playful little Capuchin, she gains the affection of love interest Marion Ravenwood thereby getting close to Indy – the couple even refer to her as "our baby". The Nazi Monkey then shows her true colours, giving away Marion's location when she's chased by the fuzz and then saluting 'Heil Hitler' to her commanding officer once the betrayal is complete. She might only be a tiny monkey, but if it wasn't for some dodgy dates then she may well have contributed to the Ark of the Covenant falling into extremely evil hands.

2. KING LOUIE in THE JUNGLE BOOK
Well oobee-dooh, we wanna be like you-ooh-ooh. The flame-haired, self-styled King of the Swingers is like the Don Corleone of the jungle – you don't mess with a guy with his own personal monkey butlers. The Jungle V.I.P. just wants to be walk and talk like a man, and because he's a sucker for a good beat, serenades feral Amazon child Mowgli in order to learn the secret of man's red fire. King Louie's talents seem never-ending; not only is he a fine lyricist, he's a master of the finger trumpet and even excels at human beatbox (well, not human). The result is one of Disney's finest musical moments; a song that's guaranteed to get your toes tapping. As Baloo the bear says: "I am gone, man! Solid gone!"

1. KING KONG in KING KONG
There's no doubt who is the greatest movie monkey of all time – he's big, hairy and he's got his own island. Kong's been kicking it since the 30's and there's been heated debate ever since about which incarnation of the King of the jungle is the best. The original Merrian C. Cooper Kong scared audiences in 1933 (but then so did a TV showing an oncoming train) and 70's audiences were obviously terrified of Rick Baker's 'man in suit' Kong – so much so, they didn't bother showing up at the cinema at all. Peter Jackson's CGI Kong has to take the plaudits – he's terrifying in the flesh, takes on not one, not two, but three dinosaurs at once, and just like the rest of us, fancies Naomi Watts. Look, he thinks he's people! He does however die an ungraceful death in all three versions; despite what they say, it wasn't beauty that killed the beast, it was the fucking huge fall off the Empire State Building.


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