The Bottle of Merlot

Being the gentleman I am I asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman I spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," pointing at me.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at me, and decided to send a reply note to me. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and brought it to me.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in return. I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."


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The Circle is Now Complete

When I left you, I was but the learner; now *I* am the master.


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Homer vs. Homer

One of them was a great epic poet of Greek antiquity whose two major works laid the foundation for all literature in western civilization. The other is a suburban Springfielder and safety inspector whose wry, ironic and sometimes outlandish commentaries on all things contemporary have entertained millions.

*HOMER* Homer is credited with writing (or compiling) the two great epic poems of ancient Greece, the "Iliad" and "The Odyssey." It is generally accepted that Homer composed them between the ninth and eighth centuries B.C.

*HOMER JAY SIMPSON* Homer Jay Simpson, a resident of Evergreen Terrace, a section of Springfield, is a safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Likes: Donuts and beer. Dislikes: His boss, Mr. Burns, and his neighbor, Ned Flanders. Married to Marge. Three children: Bart, Lisa, Maggie.

HOMER: "To labor is the lot of man."
H. S.: "I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes."

HOMER: "His speech flowed from his tongue sweeter than honey."
H. S.: "Good drink, good meat, good God, let's eat!"

HOMER: "Toil is the lot of all."
H. S.: "If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English."

HOMER: "Keep aloof from sharp contentions."
H. S.: "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming."

HOMER: "There is no greater glory for any man alive than that which he wins by his hands and his feet."
H. S.: "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

HOMER: "The difficulty is not to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for."
H. S.: "Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

HOMER: "There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife."
H. S.: "A woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one!"

HOMER: "To be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds."
H. S.: "What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!"

HOMER: "Always be first and surpass everyone else."
H. S.: "Trying is the first step towards failure."

HOMER: "Those who live by their strength are doomed to perish by it."
H. S.: "I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"

HOMER: "We are quick to flare up, we races of men on the earth."
H. S.: "D'oh!!!"


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Hood vs. The Wolf

In the woods the wolf said to little red riding hood, "Bitch, suck my dick!" To this she said, "Man quit tryin to change the story. You are suppose to eat me."


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The Worst Comic Book Movies

Daredevil (2003)

Although I like Ben Affleck as an actor, "Daredevil" made everyone wish they were blind. This movie seemed to be a propaganda film for leather fetishes and cross dressers. The first time you see Daredevil he looks like he got the crap beaten out of him. Or if he is into those kinds of games he should say that he "fell down some stairs." What kind of superhero can be rendered helpless by a loud noise? Daredevil and Venom should go out and buy "Earplugs for Dummies." This movie came out in February and it already felt like the worst movie of the year. The only redeemable thing in this movie was Elektra and they screwed up that spin off as well.


Superman Sequels

The sequels Superman III and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and Superman Returns have nothing on Richard Donner. What studio genius thought Richard Pryor would be great for a Superman movie? Whose idea was it to give Christopher Reeve influence over the script of "Superman IV"? And who thought that Marc McClure as Jimmy Olsen was the perfect cross-over character for Supergirl? Better known as: 'When Superman Started to Suck.' made it into a long journey that would end with Brian Singer turning Superman into a peeping Tom in Superman Returns. DC do you know what would make a great plot to a Superman movie??? If he got to fight a SUPERVILAN... not just Lex Luthor and a kryptonite mountain.


Fantastic Four (1994)

This is the first time F4 shows up on this list and this time it is not pretty. What really sucks about this film is that it was never really intended to be released. It was just so the company would not loose the rights to the film. Unfortunately, no one bothered to tell the actors or the directer so needless to say they were pissed when they found out. Rebecca Staab who played Invisible Woman is twenty years older then Alba. But she is twenty times hotter. The horrible effects in this movie are what make it so worthwhile. The Thing looks like an orange dried out Gumby and when he says "It's clobbering time." you will want to just fall over laughing.


Howard the Duck (1986)

It is rumored this film was presented to the Supreme Court as evidence that George Lucas is, in fact, not a great filmmaker. It is also rumored that Joel Schumacher got his idea of nipples on the batsuit from the scene featuring a duck with nipples. No one on the this planet remembers the plot for this crappy movie. Daffy Duck was probably happy to hear that he was passed over as the lead on this film. The only time this Howard the Duck is used in a good manner in during Lucas in Love and he is only in it for 2.3 seconds because that is all the general public can take. After taking this movie in we all got to wash it down with The Phantom Menace.


Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

This film is basicily the Spice Girls with Rachael Leigh Cook, Tara Reid and Rosario Dawson. Tara Reid is by far the ditsiest and the hottest of them all followed by Dawson. This movie might not have been so bad if it was not for all the product placement along the whole film. Not 2 minutes went by before someone mentioned some other brand. Makes you want to puke all over Rachael Leigh Cook like she likes it. The studio was originally upset about the PG-13 rating because of some sensuality... For your information studio... That is the only thing that makes this movie worthwhile... While "Josie and the Pussycats" is TOTALLY worthwhile as spank material they should have made and Archie movie... Now there is a comic that is all about pussy. Whoever get this reference send me a note.


The Hulk (2003)

Apparently Ang Lee was getting tired of the awards and praise he was getting for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Why else would he make such a mess of "The Hulk?" Forget the special effects the only thing looking at in this film was Jennifer Connelly's... eyes... Seriously. Nick Nolte was a drunkard in this movie... so basically Nick Nolte played Nick Nolte. Hey Nick I bet there was a lot of research done for that film. While the Hulk looked great, the script imploded by page two. Note to Hollywood: Mutant poodles do not make great monsters. The last thing to be this big and this green and suck this bad was Godzilla. They could have made this movie so much better by just giving the Hulk a Scottish accent and had Eddy Murphy follow him around.


Batman Forever (1995) / Batman and Robin (1998)

It's true that 1989's Batman was not Tim Burton's best film, but at least it and Batman Returns were watchable. However, when Joel Schumacher took over the franchise the audience had to deal with nipples on the batsuit. How could the man who made the Lost Boys and Flatliners make this crappy film. Adam West is spinning in his grave Schumacher. Oh wait... Adam is not dead. Well I am sure he wanted to commit supoku with a dull batarang after watching this film. I bet you these films are the reason why Kiefer does not talk to you anymore you bastard. Schumacher... Why did you get rid of Elfman? Danny Elfman was the best thing to happen to the batman music since "Dadadadadadadadadadadadada...Batman!"


Spawn (1997)

This movie almost made me sell my soul to the Devil to get my two hours back. You know what D.B. Sweeney... Stick to doing crappy figure skating movies and stay out of my childhood dramatizations. This was a film that had the potential to make some great allegory about the eternal battle between good and evil and all we get is the man who spawned Charlie and the rest of the Estevez children. Not to mention that Sid the Sloth made a great cameo as a fat clown. Still Todd McFarlane got to laugh all the way to the bank so he could buy another crappy Barry Bonds baseball.


Ghost Rider Trailer (2006)

The two greatest parts about this were when the horse turns into "Ghost Horse" and the credits. Everything else was filler. Another film that just had the wrong cast. For years scientists have theorized that one day Nicolas Cage would overact so badly that his head would burst into flames. Now, with Ghost Rider, the phenomenon has finally come to pass. The chain was a better actor. How can anyone take him seriously. Everyone in the theater kept hoping the Scooby Doo gang would come out, rip the mask off of Cage and reveal Ghost Rider really is just a crazy old man! Wes Bently!!! Come on everyone wanted him to die on his stupid plastic bag on American Beauty and how he is supposed to be the Devils son.


The Punisher (1989)

What the hell would some have to do to receive the punishment to watching this piece of crap film. This Punisher movie is to comic book movies as what KFC is to chicken... Louis Gossett Jr. would go on to be on Stargate so thats one plus. I was so happy to hear that the 2004 version of this movie was a complete redo. Even though it would have Thomas Jane which in my book is a poor mans version of Christopher Lambert. And the new version would have Samantha Mathis which is an under used hottie. Dolph on the other hand never recovered from the the punches to the head that he got from Sly Stallone... Which brings us to...


Judge Dredd (1995)

I have no idea who got hit with a frying pan only to wake up and come up with this great idea. Max von Sydow... What could have possessed you to do this? For Christ sakes you played Jesus. [Sorry for the blasphemy.] Did they kidnap your grandkids? Is that why you did this to yourself? Everyone knew why Rob Schneider was in the movie... It was like he was destined to do Deuce Bigalow. As for you, Stalone... Why do you let IMDB mock you by using a photo of you from this movie as your stock picture... They are just f*cking with you dude. You may claim to be the Law but you suck at it.


Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Trailer (2007)

There was no way this movie should have sucked. It had the Silver Surfer. The herald of Galactus. The most powerful being the whole Marvel Universe. He was supposed to be a bad ass and instead he gets turned into a Telebbie while retelling his life story to the Invisible Woman. While we are talking about the Invisible woman... I did not receive the memo that stated that the Fantastic Four was a team made up of all guys. Alba was so ugly she should have not been in the film and just claimed that she was invisible the whole time. Instead we have her having these ridiculously awkward moments with her brother. Hey guys you are not siblings on the set of Star Wars. Don't try to kiss. The bit that made this movie craptacular was Galactus. I wanted a real bad buy not some cosmic fart that was coming to destroy the earth like smog.


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Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity." Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:
--Star Trek:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."
--Firefly:
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be heck. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.


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My other car is a Puma!

Um. The dudes at WETA made a Warthog. I don't mean that they made a big plastic thing that looks like a Warthog. I mean they built a fully-functioning, four-wheel steering, powerful, off-road vehicle with a machine gun on the back. At the correct scale. If you live near Wellington, New Zealand, you might even see some crazy machine-shop dude from WETA fishtailing around your base, ahem, I mean neighborhood.

What's it for? Well, a couple of things – one of which will be one of the shorts coming from director Neill Blomkamp. We sort of blindsided you guys with the first short (Arms Race) – it had little to no context or explanation, but when you see it as it was originally intended – as part of an overall narrative, you might just pee your pants. And if you don't, then the picture below will certainly cause some leakage.

Goddamn. It's a Warthog.




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5 important questions answered!!!!!

Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.


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Game 02: Spaceworms

Who wants to loose a a couple of hours at a new game... Use the arrow keeps to keep away from the the balls that are coming towards you. I did not make it very far but lets see how far you can go. Post your top score as a reply.

Game: Here

Have fun....


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When you should not hyphenate your name

Passport's RFID Chip

All passports issued by the US State Department after January 1 have had an always-on radio frequency identification chips, making it easy for officials to grab your personal stats. Getting paranoid about strangers slurping up your identity? Here's what you can do about it. But be careful – tampering with a passport is punishable by 25 years in prison. Not to mention the "special" customs search, with rubber gloves. Bon voyage!

1) RFID-tagged passports have a distinctive logo on the front cover; the chip is embedded in the back.

2) Sorry, "accidentally" leaving your passport in the jeans you just put in the washer won't work. You're more likely to ruin the passport itself than the chip.

3) Forget about nuking it in the microwave – the chip could burst into flames, leaving telltale scorch marks. Besides, have you ever smelled burnt passport?

4) The best approach? Hammer time. Hitting the chip with a blunt, hard object should disable it. A nonworking RFID doesn't invalidate the passport, so you can still use it.


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Humor In High-Def Television

If you're looking for cheap, easy entertainment - and who isn't these days? - here's something that's always a hit. Get yourself invited to the home of a friend who's just sunk two or three grand into a fancy high-def TV. Get him to put on a football game or reality show or drama or whatever. (This won't be hard to do - he just sank all that dough into the TV, and he'll want to show it off.) Anyway, no matter what he puts on, watch it for a minute or two. Then shake your head and say: "Maybe it's me. But I just don't see any difference between high-def and regular TV."

Then sit back and watch the fireworks as his head explodes."What?!" he'll scream. "You don't see any difference?" Shake your head no.

Then shrug your shoulders and add apologetically: "It's probably me." At this point, your friend will look at you as if you're crazy. Then he'll bolt out of his chair and grab the remote. Then he'll start clicking furiously between high-def and regular TV programming. "OK, here's high-def," he'll say, pointing at the screen. "You see how bright it is?" Then after a click: "And here's regular TV. It's day and night! You don't see the difference?" Again, shake your head no. Offer a sheepish grin that says: I must be a little slow.

Then, as if attempting to change the subject, look around the room and say something like: "Did you guys put in new carpeting?" By now, your friend will be so upset he'll be on the verge of hyper-ventilating. After all, he just spent all this money on a state-of-the-art high-def TV. You're supposed to be swooning over the magnificent picture. You're supposed to be oohing and ahhing over the wondrous clarity. Only ... you're not. In fact, you don't seem impressed at all! How the hell can he talk about carpeting at a time like this?! "Look," he'll say, raising his voice as he clicks the remote again. "Here's high-def, OK? Look how clear it is. See that guy there? See how you can see every blemish and wrinkle on his face? "Now here's regular TV," he'll say, clicking again. "There's the same guy, right? And look at his face! It's not as clear! You don't see any blemishes or wrinkles at all!" At this point, he will turn to you with a triumphant look, as if his argument has been made so soundly that a reasonable person could no longer dispute it. OK, here's what you do now. Continue staring at the screen for a few seconds.

Then say: "Well, to be honest, I'm not sure I want to see every blemish and wrinkle in a person's face. If you could actually see them in high-def, which I can't." At this, your friend will clench his jaw and grind his teeth together. The veins in his neck will be ready to burst. He may even have to leave the room to compose himself so that he does not lunge at you and attempt to strangle you. But even if he does leave the room, he'll be back in a minute or two. Oh, yes, he's not through with you. He won't drop this subject until he makes you see that high-def is the greatest thing to happen to TV since they added color, and he bought the best damn high-def TV on the market. OK, so now he returns with a tight smile etched on his face.

Trying to keep his voice nonchalant, he picks up the remote, clicks on a nature show and says: "OK, here's a desert scene in high-def. And here it is in regular TV. Would you at least agree that the picture looks wider in high-def? In other words, you see more of the desert? More cactus, more rocks baking in the hot sun, more slithering reptiles, etc.?"

Study the desert scene thoughtfully for a few seconds. Then say: "I don't know . . . they both look pretty much the same to me." At this point, with your friend quivering with rage and about to lose control and start smashing things, you should probably leave. Besides, that's plenty of entertainment for one day. And if you find yourself bored a few days later, you can always go back, ask to see his new TV, and mess with his head again. A good opening line for your return visit might be: "They talk about the great Dolby Digital surround sound you get with these things. But it sounds the same as regular TV to me. I don't hear any difference."

And just like that, it'll be showtime again.


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MSNBC asks: Do you have what it takes to become a citizen?

When immigrants want to become Americans, they must take a civics test as part of their naturalization interview before a Citizenship and Immigration Services (INS) officer. The questions are usually selected from a list of 100 sample questions that prospective citizens can look at ahead of the interview (though the examiner is not limited to those questions). Some are easy, some are not. We have picked some of the more difficult ones.
TEST

Take the test and leave a reply to the post telling everyone how you did and what questions you god wrong... this should be cool...


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29 Actives and the Calories They Consume

ACTIVITY ........................................... CALORIES

Making mountains out of molehills ....................... 500
Running around in circles ............................... 350
Wading through paperwork ................................ 300
Pushing your luck ....................................... 250
Eating crow ............................................. 225
Flying off the handle ................................... 225
Jumping on the bandwagon ................................ 200
Spinning your wheels .................................... 175
Adding fuel to the fire ................................. 150
Beating your head against the wall ...................... 150
Climbing the walls ...................................... 150
Jogging your memory ..................................... 125
Beating your own drum ................................... 100
Dragging your heals ..................................... 100
Jumping to conclusions .................................. 100
Beating around the bush ................................. 75
Grasping at straws ...................................... 75
Pulling out all stops ................................... 75
Turning the other cheek ................................. 75
Fishing for compliments ................................. 50
Hitting the nail on the head ............................ 50
Pouring salt on a wound ................................. 50
Swallowing your pride ................................... 50
Throwing your weight around (var w/ per. weight) .. 50 – 300
Passing the buck ........................................ 25
Tooting your own horn ................................... 25
Balancing the books ..................................... 23
Wrapping it up at day's end ............................ 12


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Three Kids That Impressed the Hell Out of Me...

03) Physical Skill



02) Vocal Talent


03) Mental Ability
[VIDEO DELETED]


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10 Things we learned from Spiderman 3

01. EMOs are a product of alien symbiosis

02. If you find yourself running from the law, no problem! Just hop over the gate that says 'DANGER! Particle Physics Experiment in progress' and you're in the clear.

03. If your girlfriend is hanging from the roof of a demolished skyscraper, never fear. Nonchalantly take some pictures and introduce yourself to her father, who also doesn't seem to give a shit.

04. Flipping pancakes and listening to vintage dance songs will only lead to adultery.

05. Black is the new red. And alien goo is the new cotton.

06. If you ever find yourself battling a giant sand person and a jagged-toothed photographer alongside your best friend who just tried to kill you, be sure that you and him exchange 'witty' banter at every opportunity. "I'm a little busy over here, buddy." "I'd love to help you, but I've got my hands full, buddy" and so on.

07. If you want to kill someone real bad, then go to church and pray and maybe, if you're lucky, God will provide you with an alien suit made of pure evil.

08. Sufferers of amnesia just can't help smiling ridiculously and eating ice-cream. Oh life is good when you can't remember anything.

09. Bad boys eat cookies, drink milk and mimic their lecturers down the phone in a hilarious manner.

10. Is your girlfriend feeling down? No problem, make her feel better by passionately upside-down kissing some really hot chick in front of her.


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