Monday, November 29, 2004

Cold Turkey

So I got up this morning and got dressed to go to the airport... Wait I should start before that.

I spent the morning at work just trying to pass the day away. One cool thing I did was put up the Christmas tree. Yesterday the manager told me to do it on Sunday if there was any free time. I said, "Oh, it's a guy thing. Since I am the only guy in the branch I have to put up the tree." She looked at me and said, "Yes it is." Well I spent a couple of hours putting up the tree. I also spent a couple of hours being told what to do by the four women in the bank. "Why are your putting the lights on like that." "There"s a bare spot on the tree." "There's not enough red on the this side of the tree." I'm feeling an OJ Simpson crime coming on... I'm thinking 20 hours until my plane leaves.

Last light I was supposed to hang out with my friends one last time before my trip. Well I could not go up to see them because they were way up north and I would have to drive back home at two in the morning and then wake up at five. That's ok I was at home watching the History Channel. They had this thing about engineering disasters. It was very interesting. Apparently in the city of Niagara Falls there is this area called Love Canal, I love the name by the way, where a major industrial company proceeded to dump thousands of pounds of waist material. Well the whole thing was cool about how they are now trying to clean up the area and everything. What was interesting about this was that because of this site the government passed legislation that would create so called Superfund sites that would specialize in such clean up process. While I was watching this I got the news that my friends and I were not going to hang out. While I was watching this I got so depressed. There were only twelve hours until I left.

I listened to Leonard Cohen one last time. I thought about how I crashed my car on Central Highway. At home I finished all my work that I had to do. I finished all my laundry and I wrote a letter. It's one of those, "In Case Anything Happens To Me..." letters. Went to bed at three in the morning. Five hours until I leave...

My phone wakes me up in the morning and for anyone who has had the misfortune of hearing the phone at ANY time of the day knows that, at the very least it's irritating.

I stumble out of bed and get dress with my prearranged outfit. Then go down stairs to watch TV. I mean, I go down stairs to wait for my parents to get ready. It was very nice of them to give me a ride to the airport but during the trip I was in trouble. My mother is going.... "You are driving too fast." "Stay to the right, Stay to the right." "Don't follow so closely." She would scream every five minutes when my father would stop to short. Now that I think about it, it's funny as hell but at the time it was far from funny. One hour until the plane leaves.

I thought my parents would just down the palisades and cross the bridge but no we went across the TZ and than we took the Hutchinson/Merit Parkway exit down to the airport.

Well at the airport I see this girl and all I can think is... "I hope she is on my plane." I check in and everything. After being told where to go incorrectly, once, we finally found the place to the luggage drop of spot. You should have heard the security guy. "No you are going the wrong way... Well it does not matter what he told you... Well he told you the wrong way... Well I'm telling you the right way." I said, "Well alright then..." Let me tell you with such an affirmative attitude I am going to feel safer about my plane ride. By this time my parents were on full drive me crazy mode. But when I crossed the barrier of ticket holders only I realized that I was going to miss them. I love those two crazies. 15 Minutes until take off.

I sit down and I watch the people outside throw our luggage into the plane. Boy was I worried. The plane taxis out of the runway and out of nowhere it starts down the runway. I watch the ground and I finally got that going away feeling. When the wheels lifted off the ground and I could not feel the ground racing underneath us I finally thought about goodbyes. Then the strangest thing was when I the world beneath us was disappearing through the clouds. It was like the world where I used to live was no more.


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Friday, November 26, 2004

Left Over Turkey Stories...

I woke up way too early to be awake on my day off. But that's ok I was looking forward to stuffing my face. I came home yesterday and my mother had put new plastic containers. So I started packing some of my stuff nice and need into the containers. I Most of the loose stuff is all in boxes and my room looks so clean. I also vacuumed. Now I know that my room was not that dirty but when the vacuum stopped sucking up dirt I know that that something was awry. I looked at the vacuum to look at the meter that told me whether or not I should change the bag. There are levels of full. There is empty, medium and full. It was on level: Obese. I swear when I opened up the vacuum I thought someone had sucked up a Groundhog into the machine. I changed the bag and continued on my mission of cleaning my room. I was sweating so much I quickly went to take a shower when I was done. I finally tried on my new outfit. It was fucking awesome. Vintage jeans with some Air Walks were the bottom of the piece. I had a brand new Van-Heusen Dress shirt that was red and brown pin stripes. I wore the button down shirt with the top button open and a skin tight red t-shirt underneath. My big Fossil watch on my wrist and a necklace were the accessories. Then to top off the outfit I put on a black suit jacket. Not a sports coat. I wanted a suit jacket. Pictures to come...

I drove my sister to the house were my family was having thanksgiving feast. We listened to The Doors the whole time. I love a nine year old that appreciates the wonders of Jim Morrison. The rest of the ride was great.

Once we arrived where we were going I sat down and took a nap on the couch. I was that tired. I stayed at JCPenney's until 11PM on Wednesday. I bought some luggage for my trip. I think I said that already. The worst part about it was having to park in the J Lot. Of all days... I probably would have jumped of the cliff into the oncoming traffic of East bound 287 I was so depressed. I remember when I first started working at Penney's I could not spell it right and I would spell it Penny. But anyway. Someone from Penney's gave me a ride to my car. The best part was that I realized that I could turn my car on from the A lot all the way to the J lot. I love my remote starter. I stayed in the parking lot for a while and listened to some Cohen... That is a great idea... I'm depressed so I listen to some depressing music.

Anyhow... I was tired... After my nap we went to eat. I ate and ate and ate. I was so full. We played video games for a while... we also played Go. That's the name of the game. It's a Japanese game. Personally I think it's called that because you are always screaming go at the other person when they are taking too long to make their move.

Well anyway... We ate and ate. Then like I promised I went to another friends house where I ate some more. I'm not kidding. I was already stuffed like like cheerleader on homecoming.... well maybe not like that... but I was stuffed none the less. Well then I go to another friends house where I am fed some more. I have pie. More Pie. Pie rules.

I go back to the second house I visited were my friends and I proceeded to play Monopoly. I refused to be the bank. It's my day off damn it. I don't want to handle money. Not even in a game. Well in an attempt to break every anti-trust law on the books I buy Park Place for $735.00. I ended up loosing though. Oh well... Now I am trying to make my own Monopoly game.

Last words from a comedian: Turkey... just be your self... anyone with five fingers can draw you.


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Thursday, November 25, 2004

Movies, Laundry, and Depression

I got my dry cleaning today. 22 dress shirts and 9 pairs of pants. Don't ask me how I ever had all that stuff but now it is back and ready to go. Most of my female friends stated that they don't even have that much stuff at once let alone that much stuff to take to the dry cleaners with enough left over to wear. What can I say... I dress to impress. While I was putting that stuff away I was watching the movie Hackers. Man I love that movie. I remember I got it for my 18th birthday and now that I have seen it again I probably won't watch it again for a while. While I watched the movie I closed my eyes for a minute and could imagine the sea... don't ask.

I was weird watching the movie. I was starting to organize my clothes so I can begin to pack for California. I bought luggage at the store today. Unfortunately I don't think it will fit too much of my luggage. I bought a new tie. It's red and silver. It's one of those awesome reds that the screams "pay attention to me." The kind that you wear for no other reason but eye candy... I know I'm sick.

Peace out on Turkey Day


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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

The Child Of My Dreams

Ok so I have not really posted in a while but I had this dream that I thought that some might find interesting.

So I am going out to California in a couple of weeks. So I was having a dream about the person who I am going to visit in California. This is all while he was still living in New Jersey. He was a single man at the time and for some reason we were at the mall and some how he was given a boy. I say it like that because I really do not remember the child being adopted. One of the things I remember is that the boy was standing there in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. His copper skin was shinning under the ugly lighting of the mall. His thin black, mop hair cut was perfect. His t-shirt was ruffled but his hair was perfect. He had that hair that no matter how much you played with it, no matter how much he shook his head his hair still fell down perfectly. Well for a while after that I spent so much time with the boy helping my friend with everything. After a while my friend had to move so he asked me to hold on to the boy. I know that is not the right phrase for a child but for some reason that is how I remember the dream. Then I remember raising the boy for months. The last thing I remember was being at the gym with another friend of mine. You should have heard me bragging about how my son had being doing all this stuff. How he could run really fast and how well he was doing in school...

I really did not think I wanted kids but now I am not so sure. But I think I would make a good dad don’t you. I know how to skip stones, make a whistle out of a blade of grass, I can whistle with the top part of an acorn. I can throw a boomerang. That’s a cool dad thing isn’t it?

As time goes by I wonder who I am more and more...


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Saturday, November 20, 2004

Guess Who's Back

Ok So I think I am going to turn this picture thing into a Friday regular. I am not sure though. I know a lot of people liked the last one. But only one of you managed to reply to it. Come on people you have to reply to the post if you think it's funny. Lets not kid ourselves I am doing this for the attention...

So I have been working at the bank for some time now and I think I like it.
Pic01

Sometimes it can be stressful but as long as you keep a positive attitude and a clear mind everything will be ok.
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If not, things could go slightly wrong. I was $20.00's short the other day.
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During lunch I called Fish since I was feeling so defeated.
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I like the people that I work with. We are all hard workers.
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But sometimes it can be so stressful. Today as I was leaving work I had no one to talk to about my major cigarette withdrawal.
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I like learning all about money and the anti-counterfeiting techniques.
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The other day I had dinner with my parents tonight for the first time in a long while. We had steak.
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But we ended up talking about religion. Not a good idea if you know how I feel about it.
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I take a more relaxed view on Christianity
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At least a more "appealing" view of religious figures.
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My mother does not believe that one can be a good person without god. Apparently you can not be a good person just for the sake of being good.
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I finished watching DS9 Season 6 Damn thats a great show from the past.
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This last week things have been going really well. All of that makes me happy.
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But instead I sat on my ass and watched great TV. Two people will get this.
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But on the subject of Star... I watched the original Star Wars Trilogy the other day on DVD.
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There are some very interesting never before seen footage on the DVD's.
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I guess I should talk about why I have been gone for so long. I just have not felt really productive.
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I have been gone for so long. I did not get to say something funny about Halloween.
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Don't even get me started on the election. (Picture Not Safe For Work)
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God Damn Red States
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This might have been the voice of America but let me tell you that voice sounded 'Corky' Thatcher from Life Goes On. Lets face it Bush is not the smartest person in the world.
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Wait that is not the picture I was thinking of.
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Well whatever Bush still has things to do while in office. Here is the proof.
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Plus it was very hard to take the other guy seriously.
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Oh well with the advise from my parents I am just going to listen to the voice of the Lord.
Pic26


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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

I Want To Fly

So I am trying to book a flight to California...

Swear if it's not one way *I* will be shocked...

So I am Expidia and I am about to buy the tickets... So I go through the whole routine and would not you know it all they have is "e-tickets." What the hell is an eticket you might ask. I'll tell you. It is just this sheet of paper that is generated but Excite after you book your flight. No more Regular tickets. I call Excite up and say hey there was a part of the website that said that for an extra $19.99 I can have tickets printed out. She tells me, "That option is only available for international flights." I'm like come on. I'm going to the other side of the continent. A few more steps and I will be in the water and 24 miles out is international waters.... Can't we just say close enough. Mind you I do not say these things for fear that she will destroy the plane in midair. But I do mention that I really want paper tickets. Then she asks me why. But not in one of those attempting to be understanding kind of ways. In one of those "Oh, e-tickets are not good enough sort of way." I have hear this tone before. It's usually carried but those who work in the internet industries. They don't want "regular mail" they want "e-mail." No Cash they want "e-money." e-commerce. e-management. I don't know when 'e' became the new 'x' but these people can byte my e-ass.

So I call my friend who I am going to see and he says that sucks but to help things out he says... "Hey did you hear about the earthquake here in Cali." It's 5.9 on the scale. Ok, I'm not going...

Alright I'm off to run away from my problems...


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Sunday, September 26, 2004

Lyrics From The Agnostic

Jesus I'm a broken man
A broken man
A broken man
Jesus I'm a broken man
Can you make me whole again?
Can you make me whole again?

Jesus I'm a broken toy
A broken toy
A broken toy
Jesus I'm a broken toy
Can you make me whole again?

Can you make me
Can you make me whole again?

Make me
Can you make me whole again?
Make me
Can you make me whole again?

Jesus people play with me
They toy with me
Yeah, they mess with me
Jesus make me whole again
Can you undo what's undone?

Can you make my
Can you make my soul again?
Can you make my
Can you make my soul again?


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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Be For Real

Are you back in my life to stay
Or is it just for today
Oh that you're gonna need me?
If it's a thrill you're looking for
Honey, I'm flexible. Oh, yeah.
Just be for real won't you, Baby
Be for real oh, Baby
You see I, I don't want to be hurt by love again

So you see I'm not naive.
I just would like to believe
Ah what you tell me.
So don't give me the world today
And tomorrow take it away.
Don't do that to me, darling.

Just be for real won't you, Baby
Be for real won't you, Baby

Been hurt so many times
You see I, I don't want to be hurt by love again.

(I don't give a damn about the truth, Baby
Except for the naked truth. Oh yeah)

Just be for real won't you, Baby
Be for real won't you, Baby

No, no, no, no
It's just that I, I don't want to be hurt by love again.

Thanks for the song Mr. Knight.


Happy Birthday Leonard Cohen


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Monday, September 13, 2004

God Uses The Internet

1...God won't ask what kind of car you drove, He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.
2...God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
3...God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothes.
4...God won't ask what your highest salary was, He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
5...God won't ask what your job title was, He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.
6...God won't ask how many friends you had, He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
7...God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.
8...God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.


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Thursday, September 9, 2004

Excerp From Upcoming Story "Loyalty"

He was sitting on a boat in the middle of the ocean. He closed his eyes and let the gentle rocking of the boat bring him some peace. He was tired of fighting ... something and he now could use the time time to relax. He looks up at the night sky he sees all the stars are out. He looks up to find the one constellation that he always looks for. He can not find it. He can not find the Orion constellation. He would normally just look for the three stars that constitutes it's belt but he can't seem to find them. He found Ursa Major and then he found Polaris. He used the outer side of the cup to find Polaris and Orion should be 30 degrees clockwise form that. Why? Why was it not there? Where was Rigel? Where was Betelgeuse?

He stopped trying to find it. It was too much trouble. He needed to relax. That's why he was there. He needed to figure out what he was going to do about his new assignment.

As the stars began to dissolve into the morning light he began to see the dawning sun in the horizon. I was coming up very quickly. He just sat there in the little boat until he could no longer stand the heat. He sat up and took off his shirt. He let the sun beat down on his chest. But after a while that was still too hot. He took off his pants and socks. He sat there in the boat in his underwear and let the sun rain down on him.

Finally even that was too hot for him and he jumped out of the boat. He jumped in and let the cool water envelop him. It was very relaxing for him. The cool water was a good counter against the hot sun. But once again it was too hot under the sun. The surface of the ocean was reflecting the light into his eyes. He needed some darkness. He tipped the little boat over and climbed into the air pocket that was created. He stayed in there but he knew he could not do that for ever. So occasionally stuck his head out to see how things were going. On the third time he noticed a small mountain peeking out into the horizon and on the fourth time he noticed that he was getting closer to it. Then he realized that he was not getting closer to it. The mountain was growing out of the ocean. Or the ocean was drying up and the mountain was coming out over the new sea level.

After a couple more hours he was finally able to touch the ocean floor.

The ocean had evaporated enough that he was finally able to touch the bottom. He could not believe it. He could not believe that. He was actually standing on the ocean floor. The sun had done that to his dream world. It had taken all the water away.

As he stands there in the now-desert with his little boat next to him he looks up into the sun again. He stares into the sun for a long while. He was always told that he should not stare into the sun specially during the high sun. That is when it is it's strongest. As he stares at it he begins to form blisters on his lips from dehydration. He had not drank any water since he got there. It's not like he could drink the water of ocean. All the salt made the brine undrinkable. All that nasty salt water and none for him to drink. Now he did not even have that water.

As he looked up at the sun which for some reason was still at rising. He wondered how the sun could be coming up for hours and it could still be dawn.

He looked up at the sun. He began to walk. The blisters on his lips made it difficult to even lick them. He walked through the sand. He tried to imagine that it was just really hot snow. Anything to keep his mind elsewhere. He took a few more steps. His bare feet sank into the sand. As he walked he found the shirt he had taken of while he was still on the boat.

Walking. Step. Wait. Drag. Step. Step. Wait. Drag. Drag. Wait Step Drag.

Trying to walk with out rhythm.

He continued walking. Finally he collapsed to his knees and screamed at the dawn. "It's not my fault. I can't help what I was thinking or what I did."

There was nothing. No Response from who ever was watching him. He screams again, "I am a desert creature."

He waits and again nothing. Why was this happening to him? He got some clarity of thought and asked quietly, "Do I know you?"

A voice from up above whispers as if talking to only him says, "Yes, you do."

He falls onto his back. He is scratching at his throat realizing that he is going to die of thirst.

Then slowly as if trying to save him from more pain ... his body dies.


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Wednesday, September 8, 2004

Picture Time

My Week In Review... Oh this is not the whole week in detail ... but look I have visual aids... Don't worry most of the pictures are safe for work. Once again I feel like I must state these pictures are not mine. I have found them around the internet and I edit them down to 320x240 so they will look more uniform.

Pictures 07, 08, 09, 19 are probably not safe for work so open at your own risk.

I started a new job after looking for one for a long time.
Pic01

I drive to the main office of the bank. Good thing I did not get lost.
Pic02

The training is so lame I feel like I am wiping my ass with this.
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I do not mention how bored I am. I can control myself when I am that bored.
Pic04

Fish and I go to lunch. No, we don't go to mcDonalds.
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That place is bad for you.
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Even though it can be a lot of fun.
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In so many positions.
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Or you can just use the time to read.
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But don't do anything anything bad.
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I do miss the sushi at the mall.
Pic11

The training went for so long I had no idea what they were talking about.
Pic12

Using the computers is like playing the piano.
Pic13

They use MicroSuck 2000.
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We all know how I feel about them.
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I wish this would just happen and save me.
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But some are not as good at computers so sometimes this happens.
Pic17

We are not allowed to use IE or go onto the internet. Everyone knows why.
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But if it was not for the internet we would not know what bukaki is.
Pic19

And we would not have the greatness of Hentai.
Pic20

There are things that you must remember.
Pic21

We do not want this to happen.
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There will not be any confusion about anything.
Pic23

Anyway... Training was like being in school.
Pic24

But it's great everyone actually works and it's not like this.
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Going to work is some what like this.
Pic26

But I have made some friends and we like turning things around.
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It's interesting being at work with all the office supplies.
Pic28

Last weekend the ScoobyGang and I went to play video games.
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Then I came home and watched the news.
Pic30

Those conservative bastards. Chaney is on the right.
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I seem to have less and less time.
Pic32

Life seems to be getting worse and worse.
Pic33

It's just that I am so damn depressed.
Pic34

But there is medicine you can take.
Pic35

But there might be complications.
Pic36

Some times I remember how women drive me nuts.
Pic37

I have a great solution for that.
Pic38

But that's life... full of surprises.
Pic39


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Tuesday, September 7, 2004

I'm Your Man

If you want a lover
... I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
... I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
... Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
... Here I stand
I'm your man

If you want a boxer
... I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor
... I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver
... Climb inside
Or if you want to take me for a ride
... You know you can
I'm your man

Ah, the moon's too bright
The chain's too tight
The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running through these promises to you
That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby
And I'd fall at your feet
And I'd howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And I'd claw at your heart
And I'd tear at your sheet
I'd say please, please
I'm your man

And if you've got to sleep a moment on the road
... I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone
... I'll disappear for you

If you want a father for your child
Or only want to walk with me a while
... Across the sand
I'm your man

Thursday, September 2, 2004

Started a New Job

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all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
all work and no play makes jack a dull boy


all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
..all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
...all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
....all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.....all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
......all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.......all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
........all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.........all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
..........all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
...........all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
............all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
.............all work and no play makes jack a dull boy


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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Banking With Girls

So I started working at the bank today. Very cool. So as I sit there all I can think of is my JCP training. I also come to agree this great mathematical proof...

[girls] = [time] x [money]
...and as we all know "Time is Money"
[time] = [money]
...therefore
[girls] = [money] x [money]
...to simplify
[girls] = [money] 2
...and we all know that "Money is the root of all evil."
[money] = √[evil]
...therefore
[girls] = (√[evil])2
...so we are forced to conclude that
[girls] = [evil]


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Saturday, August 28, 2004

What a 'Brave New World'

Now this is some scary stuff to be living in.


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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

verizonREALLYsucks.com

Ok so my birthday is coming up. Man do I hate this time of year. Everyone want to be nice to you. They all go, "So what are your plans for the future." I want to say, "What future?" Everyone wants to be nice to me for my birthday. Like it's a special occasion that they should be nice on. Like last year on my birthday ... you know what that birthday sucked. I spent the beginning of the day with my head on the table in the lunch room. Thats before they moved all the tables around. But thats not the point.

For my birthday I am getting the new motorola v710. I have dropped my phone enough so I figure it's time for an upgrade and with vacation coming up I can use a camera phone. Plus I can now have a depressing moBlog. Look for more melancholy to come.

So I ordered a phone over the Internet and then the computer craps out so I did not get the order number. I figure no problem they will send me a confirmation. No confirmation comes so I have to call them on the phone. I spend hours, you read that right ... hours, trying to deal with them. They send me from one department to another. Purchasing can not track orders they can only sell stuff. I talked to human resources. Those dumb asses. But what do I expect for a company that spent 70 dollars 706 times trying to register domain names such as verizonsucks.com. Those idiots then forgot that someone could just buy verizonREALLYsucks.com. 70*706 is $49,420.00 So thats where all the money is going to.

The best part occurs when you call these people at midnight. This is their service message: "Verizon Wireless. We never stop working for you. Thank you for calling our customer service number. To talk to a customer service representative please call us Monday through Friday. 7:00am to 6:30pm." I was so confused by that, the more I thought about it the more I thought a blood vessel would burst in my brain.

So after HOURS on the phone with no one to talk to I figure lets just go to one of the stores. First they tell me that I am not elligible for a new phone. I have no idea what they are talking about. Then no more then 7.5 seconds later he says that my order is in the mail. He gives me a confirmation number and I leave. Verizon-blows.net.

So after all that crap my new phone should be here on Thursday.

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Monday, August 23, 2004

Women And Pool

Here are some of my thoughts as I played pool on Saturday. Granted some of these are not my thoughts and these are obviously not my pictures but I think they work well for a study guide.

Men and women can never understand each other and this is why.


In the end, lets be honest here, most men think this...


But some women try NOT to be the center of mens fantasies, but come on...


Still, there is so much miscommunication that problems WILL arise.


Because you never what this to happen.


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Useless Things From The Net

Ok I realy don't have very much to say so I am going to say a whole bunch of stupid crap. This right here is an X-Wing car. For some reason this person decided to make this car and for some reason they are not the only ones. This is for all those Star Wars fools. Even those who think Star Wars is better then Star Trek. Even those who have yet to see Episode Two. Bunch of nerds.

More Pics For the true fans:
here 01.
here 02.
here 03.
here 04.
here 05.
here 06.
here 07.
here 08.
here 09.
here 10.








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Sunday, August 15, 2004

Tears in the Water

The rain fall down upon the earth in a depressing staccato rhythm. Drop after drop fell on her as she stood there in the middle of the parking lot waiting. Waiting for what might never come. She had her arms wrapped around her body as if she was shy about showing herself. A shyness that had now creped up on her and she was standing there waiting.

He came up from behind her and looked at her. He slowly wrapped his arms around her body and she instinctively brought hers up. She brought them up so she was fully emerged in his affection. At first he thought that she was going to push him away and he closed his arms around her even tighter. Thankfully she did not.

Breath.

With one big enough breath the tears came. Sobbing. Flood gates opened up in her mind and she was able to finally let it all out. She buried her face into his chest and whimpered and wailed all at the same time.

"Why won't he come back."

Her friend did not have an answer. All her friend could do was hold her tight and try to make her feel better. The other three stood there and just watched. The rain falling on all five of them.

He knew what it was like. To cry uncontrollably for someone. Every convulsion in your chest just brings more sobs. Every cell in your body, every water molecule, tells you that things should work a certain way. Yet, for some reason that did not happen. He stood there, standing a whole head taller than her. He ran his fingers through her silky, golden hair while she tried to muffle her cries into his chest. Through out the night she had been playing with her hair swaying it back and fourth like some shampoo commercial. Now it was wet but still soft.

At that point he wondered about himself. He wondered about where they had just been. He had walked into that place being so depressed about everything. He listened to one of the songs while he rubbed the green felt of the table. The song that played had been the same song that had played on that cursed night. The white ball banged into the other balls and with each clank he remembered more and more and wished for ease of mind. That was the night so long ago.

A night that did not rain but some how he remembered water.

As he held her he could feel the wells in his eyes begin to water. All the thoughts of a secret life were coming to a boil but he could not let any of that out. He had to be strong if only for the woman he held in his arms. If only for her sake he had to control himself.

More tears from the sky. More rain from her.

She switched sides and cried on his other shoulder. She needed something. Before all she wanted was someone to talk to but now it was too late. Now all she could do was cry. All she could do was make his t-shirt wetter. She tried to pull away from him trying to bring up a veil of control. She was about to apologize about his t-shirt but he said that it was alright. That was the right thing to say and she continued to cry. Every defense, every mask she had used up until this point to shield her from the world was now useless. At least that what she thought.

In reality, they were just not necessary.

He knew this pain. A pain that only brings you to the edge of despair. A point in your life that when you return and tell others about it they can only marvel at the your resilience from falling into the darkness of solitude. A point of desperation where absolute clarity arises and one can do nothing but greatness with nothing but the fragments of your heart to guide you. They always wondered where his inspiration and his motivation came from. This was it. This horrid pain was the driving force of anything that he had ever archived.

She shivered as the rain soaked though her shirt onto her bare skin. Every drop falling on them dispersed itself until no part of them was dry except their chest since they were pressed against one another so much.

He gave his keys to one of the ones that were waiting and told her to bring an article of clothing from his car. She left and came back but she had come back with his martial arts gi. It was the wrong thing but at this time he did not care. The rain soaked on through.

More memories came flooding back to him. He thought of the the bruises he had acquired as he tried to deal with the same kind of pain. How many blows did he have to suffer before he began to forget. Countless. How many times did he have black and blues all over his arm in a vein attempt to forget. How many times did he have to dial the phone while each and every finger was in sheer agony because he had just gotten hit there.

As he stood there the tears of the sky came down on them silently. As he stood there he wondered if any of them were worth it. Was anyone worth these tears. Was anyone worth this kind of pain.

One of the other people went and got the car and pulled it up next to her. He slowly guided her into the back seat. She put one foot in but stopped.

No she couldn't get in and leave. He was coming back.

Deep inside something told her that he was not.

She yelled out again, "Why won't he come back."

She cried some more while he gently guided her into the back seat. He held her head so she did not bump it getting into the car. Once inside she started crying even harder because she realized that it did not matter if he was coming back. She would not be there to wait for him.

He watched everyone else got in the car and and they all drove away. Drive away into the tears of the night.


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Thursday, July 22, 2004

Drinking With Leonard

Leonard inved this drink in Needles, California in the Summer of 1975. He wrote about it in the book "Death Of A Lady's Man" in 1978. Then he ang about it in 1992's "The Future" in the sond "Closing Time."

Here is the recipe:
Tequila
Cranberry juice
Ice
Lemon and/or exotic fruits


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Thursday, July 15, 2004

Conversations With Oma Desala

Standing in a dark room by myself. There are no doors and no windows. As I spin around there is a small girl in the room with me.
Wow how did you get here.
I have been here for some time.
Good. Can you tell me where "here" is?
Here is everywhere you are.
I figure that I should start my questioning a different way.
So who are you?
I am many things.
Some how you look familiar.
Lightning flashes, sparks shower, in one blink of your eye you have mis-seen.
But you are just a child. How can I learn anything from you.
There is a child in all of us.
Wow that's a useful piece of knowledge right there. So what are you going to to teach me now?
I cannot teach you what you already know.
You know I don’t really like this cryptic stuff. I would leave if I could.
Your fate is in your hands.
So are you going to answer the questions that I have wanted answers to all of my life.
Questions are plentiful. Answers are few.
I just want to know what I am suppose to do with my life.
You must release your burden before you can find your own way again.
I am starting to get angry.
But I need your help to figure all these things that will help me make the world a better place. Why is there all this pointless evil in the world? Some times I hate these things so much I just want to die.
When the mind is enlightened the spirit is freed and body matters not.
What is that supposed to mean. I have no idea what you are talking about. I thought you were here to help me.
Ultimately a man travels his chosen path alone.
So then why am I having this dream?
Dreams teach.
Teach what?
Teach that the true nature of a man is decided in the battle between his conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious. The evil of the mind's subconscious is too strong to resist.
So What am I supposed to do about it? How am supposed to fight against this evil.
The only way to win is to deny it battle.
I don't believe that. We are not inherently evil.
I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.
But snowflakes are beautiful and I am not. I am not unique. I am like all the crap in the world.
You do not have the same evil within you.
Thanks some how I still do not feel like my soul has been saved. Where do I go from there?
Anyone can reach enlightenment. Anyone prepared to open their mind.
But what about in the end... What if I look back on my life and realize that I have not done anything worth while and my life does not up to anything.
The success or failure of your deeds does not add up to the sum of your life.
How am I supposed to decide whether or not my life is worth while.
Judge yourself by the intention of your actions and by the strength of which you faced the challenges that have stood in your way.
I can not do that. I have become to bitter in my life to do that fairly to myself.
If the instrument is broken, the music will be sour.
The music does not play the musician.
Normally there is truth in that.
Really because I was just throwing stuff out there. Actually I have no idea what I am talking about.
She smiles at me. It's the greatest smile I have ever seen.
Why do you feel you have failed on your journey?
I don't think that I have done anything in my life. I am falling into the abyss. That is what I call it you know. That's what growing older and not achieving anything is for me... an abyss.
You feel your journey must continue until you have found redemption for these failures?
I never made the world a better place. I was supposed to teach everyone how to be nice to one another. I was supposed to teach everyone how to be understanding to one another. In the end I just ruined my life.
You have chosen a path that leads to me because of this?
Yes. I did nothing I wanted. I was going to write a book that would help the world.
Words cannot express things, speech cannot convey the spirit, swayed by words, one is lost. One cannot carry darkness on the great path.
I hate this. I hate this room. Where ever I am. I don't want to hear anything. I want to be a bad person again.
The river tells no lies. Though standing on the shore the dishonest man still hears them.
I don't know what I know anymore. Sometimes I think I am the dumbest person alive.
You can never reach enlightenment if you do not believe you are worthy.
So maybe I am not worthy.
She speaks in a way that gives me confidence.
These tasks of which you speak were great challenges. Perhaps they were even impossible to achieve.
So I failed. Everyone was right. I am a failure.
The universe is vast and we are so small. There is only one thing we can truly control.
Oh yeah? What could I possible control in my life?
Whether we are good or evil.
I have tried to be a good person and I have tried to be a bad person. I don't know which one I truly am.
A tall man cannot hide in the short grass.
All I want to do is fit in. I will do anything to fit in with the rest of the world just so I don't feel alienated.
You have your own burdens of which to rid yourself.
I hate this existence that I have created for myself. I get up. Work. I go back to sleep. I feel so trapped.
The mind is always free.
I don't want to be free. I want to be bound. Bound to to another person so when I go to sleep I know someone will be waiting. Instead I get blamed for everything when I tried my best.
Within you is the capacity for trust.
I did trust. I trusted and was deceived. Deceived when I tried to earn trust.
You must trust. You must believe.
I tried to believe but I feel more comfortable with my wall to protect me.
Leaves fall from the tree once a year but the tree still grows strong and proud.
So did I reach enlightenment or what?
Because it is so clear, it takes a longer time to realize it, if you immediately know the candlelight is fire, then the meal was cooked a long time ago.
Then what?
The rest is up to you.
I scream. I thought she would reply in anger. But instead she replies with more compassion.
A spark lights the flame but the candle will only burn as long as the wick.
That just pisses me off. I ask her what the fuck does that mean.
What the fuck does that mean.
You must complete the journey you began. Only then will you be able to find your way to the Great Path.
Alright... What if I don't want to reach enlightenment.
Walking the Great Path brings great responsibility. You cannot fear it nor hesitate in your resolve.
Begins to walk away and I call out to her.
Well I guess it's time for me to continue on my "Path."
And it is time for me to continue on mine.
For some reason I am now calm again.
Will I ever see you again?
All roads eventually lead to the great path.
You still have not answered my question.
The little girl smiles.
Many cross on the way.
I smile and walk away.

Once (Fish remember this)

Once,
On yellow paper with green lines, he wrote a poem.
And he called it "CHOPS"
Why???
Because that was the name of his dog.
And that was what it was all about.
And the teacher gave him an "A",
And a big gold star to put on the paper.
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door,
And read it to his aunts.
That was the year his sister was born,
With tiny toenails and no hair.
And Father Tracy took the children to the zoo,
And let them sing on the bus.
And his mother and father kissed a lot.
And the girl around the block sent him a Christmas card,
Signed with a row of X-s.
And his father always tucked him in bed at night,
And was always there to do it.

Once,
On white paper with blue lines, he wrote another poem.
And he called it "AUTUMN"
Why???
Because that was the name of the season,
And that was what it was all about.
And the teacher gave him an "A",
And told him to write more clearly.
And his mother didn't hang it on the kitchen door,
Because the door had just been painted.
That was the year his sister got glasses,
With big black frames and thick lenses.
And Father Tracy smoked cigars,
And left the butts on the pews.
And kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot.
And the girl around the block laughed at him,
When he went to see Santa Clause at Macy's.
And his father didn't tuck him in bed at night,
And got mad when he cried for him.

Once,
On paper torn from his notebook, he wrote a poem.
And he called it "QUESTIONS FROM THE INNOCENT"
Why???
Because that was how he felt at the time,
And that was what it was all about.
And the teacher didn't give him an "A",
And she gave him a strange look.
And his mother didn't hang it on the kitchen door,
Because he never showed it to her.
That was the year his sister was caught,
Caught necking on the back porch steps.
And Father Tracy was sent to jail,
Because he was caught molesting children.
And his mother and father never kissed or even smiled.
And the girl around the block wore too much makeup.
It made him cough but he still kissed her all the same.
And around 3:00 AM he tucked himself in bed,
And his father soundly snoring.

Once,
On the back of a pack of matches, he wrote a poem.
And he called it "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING"
Why???
Because that's how people treated him,
And that was what it was all about.
And he gave himself an "A",
And a SLASH ON EACH DAMN WRIST.
And he hung it on the bathroom door.
Because he couldn't reach the kitchen.


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Wednesday, July 14, 2004

No Trespassing

Violators Will Be Shot


Survivors Will Be Shot Again


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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

BitTorrent Rul3z

So I finally got the whole Gargoyles series downloaded. I have been watching it as much as I can. My sister came upstairs last night and we watched Awakening. This is the best series ever. Fish is supposed to give me blank cd-r's so I can burn them for him. Fifteen should do it. I hope he doesn't want Batman TAS.

The only thing that sucks is that you have to install the DivX DoDec to watch the episodes. This rocks. It's amazing how no one in the city knows about the Gargoyles until the last season. God I love this series.

My next download... Thundercats Hoooooo!!!

ps. If you you do a google search for "Thundercats ho" with five "o's" google will asked you if you misspelled the word ho and suggests "ho" with six "o's".


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Remember July 9-11

Last weekend in review. Yeah I know that I have been dealing with a lot of things in the past lately but I have been so depressed that I have not bothered writing anything in a long while. I have no idea why I write this stuff right now but I figure that it will help later.

This weekend was new managers weekend to work. Sweet. Friday was great until I found out that one of the assistant managers, the one I went to the gym with, was not going to be there on Saturday. Well Saturday was going like usual until the new manager and I ran into one another in the break room. We talked for hours. I was the greatest thing ever. Haven't done that in so long. A decent conversation. First one in a long time. Instead of the email I got last Wednesday. There was no conversation there. How do you talk to someone who blames you for everything. Well back to JCP. She had me recover the whole third floor. The other people that were closing were useless.

So anyway she found me in my fitting room. God I hate cleaning the fitting room. One person having to try on a pair of pants is understandable. But when he has to try on the same pair of pants in every color than that mean he's a dumb ass. Seriously what happened to your imagination.

Well she sat there while I hung up pants and laughed when I made a fool of myself. I pulled a pair of pants of the hanger while they were on the rack and the hanger whipped around and smacked me on the mouth. My bottom lip bled like a bastard. After she left I thought "A human can swallow a pint of blood before he gets sick."

Finally the store closed and she game me a ride to my car since everyone on the planet had come to the mall I had to park my car in the ass end of the parking lot.

Sunday was boring. I'm serious, no one came into the store. No one wanted to buy anything. I dragged some clearance dress shirts into the middle of the isle, even though I wasn't supposed to but come on thats when people buy it. No one bought anyway.

Then came lunch again. There were four of us this time. The three weekend managers and me. We had a great time talking about so many things. Like Niagara Falls and the New York Botanical Garden (NYBG for some.) It was great until this crazy chick from another department asks me what department I was a manager of. I knew what she was getting at but I just wanted to placate her. I was sitting with the management team and not with the other associates. It's not really my fault is it. You should have heard her topic of conversation. These people kill me they really do. They have nothing interesting to talk about but they expect me to talk to them anyway.

After dinner I helped one of the managers sit behind the catalog desk while one of the associates took their break. That manager for something and then the new manager came in and sat with me while we took care of the desk. I made announcements. The first time that the store has been forced to listen to my voice over the PA. We sat there for a long time just drawing and talking about jewelery and engagement rings. She wants me in her department.

Finally recovery. I had to clean up the basics pad. Damn did that suck. Then the new manager comes and starts to help. She asks me some questions about what ever. Stupid stuff but the conversation was much appreciated. I was bored and lonely in that place. We talked for a while until she said, "Damn I have to go find my keys. It costs $30,000 to replace all the locks." I then it hits me, "Fuck. Not again."


Extra Credit

Remember July 2-5

Ok so this is told in flash back. Last Thursday (040708.160000) I was about to leave the store and the new manager was talking to a someone else I work with in the break room. The second girl, not the manager, is great actually we had gone to the gym just a few days before.

She is really cool and I would love to go to the gym but who has the $65.00 a month. If anyone would like to donate to the "Get-My-Fat-Ass-In-Shape Fund" please call. She was all calm while we were there. But she really didn't seem to push herself, so while we ran I kept pushing her speed up. Not crazy fast but faster than she normally would have gone. It was great. I was in my normal work out clothes, a pair of black basketball shorts and a ripped up white t-shirt. She was so cool though. We were so close to one another while we talked about so many things. Mostly about ... stuff. I'm sure she could smell me while we we talked. I worked up such a sweat while I was on the treadmill I'm sure she could smell it. But she was so cool and didn't complain or anything.

So anyway the new manager asks me how I'm doing. Wrong question to ask. The weekend before was not exactly the greatest week.

Friday: a friend of mine from Boy Scouts, that had already tried to kill himself once decided to run away from home. Well actually he drove his car all the way to Chicago. I was so weird. His dad had to go and get him because he ran out of money and had run out of gas. I remember seeing him in the hospital after he tried to hang himself two or three years ago ... it was so surreal. He still had the rope burns on his neck.

Saturday: Qubeley left for England. ENGLAND!!! For three weeks. THREE WEEKS!!! THREE!!! I have no idea what I'm going to do with out her. I'm not kidding. I threated to throw her blond ass in the trunk of my car for three weeks. Hey it wouldn't be the first time. (No, I'm just kidding.) But it was so cool hanging out with her and Fish in the courtyard of their neighborhood. England give me back my friend...

Later Saturday 1: Something happened which was so bad that I won't even mention it here. But I will talk about the repercussions later.

Later Saturday 2: Went home and watched some TV while I waited for Fish to pick me up to go to the movies. He calls me like thirteen times. He even called my house phone. But I never answer that phone. And he sent me text messages. But my phone was in my room charging so I never got them. The funny thing is that he never even bothered to knock on the door. That day we had actually added an extra door, so he had three doors to knock on. He was truly afraid that I had sliced my wrists in the bathtub. I mean its a great idea. I was always afraid to do it in my room. I did not was to get blood on the carpet. Well anyway it was very cool of him to worry and we got to the movies on time and Spider-Man 2 was just as cool the second time. They dropped me off at home late.

Later Saturday 3: When Fish dropped me off I was so damn depressed I went for a walk. I ended up in Peirmont from my house. I got some fireworks and just went walking. I blew some up in the Lowes parking lot by my house and then continued walking. All the way to Piermont. I passed STAC. It seemed dead and old since I had been gone. As I walked, it was strange looking at all the people still awake watching TV in their nice little homes. I wondered how important their happy little lives were and what would be needed to destroy that. So I threw another firecracker into the me middle of the street. There was this really nice house with all of these Hostas in the garden. Now there are at least 23 species of Hostas and at lest 84 cultivars of the plant known to exist but did she have to use all of them. I don't think Hostas and wild rose constitutes a garden. Did you know there is an American Hosta Society. Stupid. The house was located on nice wetlands she could have used some Cardinal flower Lobelia cardinalis L. or some Joe-Pye Weed Eupatorium purpureum. Both of these are native plants and look great in the wetlands. Trust me I know wetland gardening. So on I walked. As I walked I saw a bug zapper and I stood there listing to bugs getting killed. The blue light and the zapping consumed me for a while but I had to move on. The town of Peirmont seems strange. Everyone has a BMW or a Mercedes-Benz in each drive way parked right next to a VW. I thought that these people bought themselves a crappy car just so the could save money and buy a great car that they could show off to everyone else. No Lexus though. Which is a good thing because I probably would have blown up a firecracker in the grill of the car. Well walked to the pier and smoked some cigarettes while I thought a while and blew up more fireworks. On my way back home I threw my liter at the road and it exploded with a rather loud bang. Continued to walk home and saw a Lexus. No more firecrackers though. Got home and crashed. Total time walking: two hours and 35 minutes. Total distance covered according to Yahoo: 5.5 miles.

Sunday: An uncle from Peru dies and I get the great news. Fucking crazy. My dad was all upset. He just sat outside talking to my mom drinking wine for most of the night. I don't even have a passport or money to go to Peru for the funeral. Fuck!

Monday: go with my friend down to the city to his Grandmothers wake. That was sad as hell. I saw him kneel in front of the coffin and I had no idea what to do. I just sat there talking to his cousin. I'm an idiot I hate funerals I always think about myself when I am there. Went to Canal Street and then home to go to sleep.


Extra Reading

Monday, July 12, 2004

Cat Love

I'm sitting here in the basement and the cat walks by...

My mom asks her why she smells. She says, and I quote, "Cat, why do you smell. Is there some male cat out there that you are goofing with."

I laughed my ass off.

My little brother says maybe it's because she licks herself too much.

Well she is not licking the top of her head thats for sure.

Still laughing.


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Remember June 1

Went to the Paramus mall to hang out with a friend of mine. This is how much of a genius I am. He had called me a few days before and at first he had wanted to meet up at seven. I said five. So we compromised to six. Well on the day of the meeting I think to myself... What time should I get there... I think to myself... "Well he had wanted to meet at seven and I had wanted to meet at six so we must have compromised to six-thirty." So like a dumb ass I walk around the mall waiting for six-thirty with he is sitting at the bar waiting. I got to go to another JCPenney. I should try to go to all of them. That would be cool. Picture of me in front of ever JCP on the planet. Well the rest of the night was really cool, once I apologized like a zillion times. He drank some beers and I just had soda then we both had buffalo wings. Then the best part... When the bar got too loud We walked around the mall. I don't mean through the mall looking at all the shops... I mean around the mall. Well talked about everything from philosophy to not feeling ducks bread.

Amazingly I looked up this very topic up on the Internet and most people are retarded. They say it's ok to feed a duck bread but on the credible websites I found and which seamed to match what the people at the Audubon Society have told me is this. The bread is a nutrition less food that does nothing for the animal. Also if it is a water fowl they will proceeded to contaminate the ground with their crap and since the bread passes right though them it will make their habitat unhealthy. Also if birds become used to being fed they will loose their migratory instinct and then suffer later when there is no one around to feed them. Not to mention that their habitat will not have the time to recuperate while they are not around. The last thing... I'll just shut the hell up now.

But any way it was really cool walking and talking and stuff. There was this chair there that was kind of lonely. It didn't have a back on it it seemed like it was only used while people went outside on their cigarette breaks.

We talked about Catcher in the Rye some more. He told me that I was just like Holden. Could be worse I say.

Well I hope that we get to do it again sometime.


Extra Reading

Remember June 26

Went to my aunts house and we watched movies again. We watched the whole Kevin Smith five movie Jersey Girl trilogy collection except for "Dogma." Very cool. She wanted to watch "Chasing Amy."

We talked all through the preparation of dinner and drank Gin and Tonics. The salad we had was awesome. You know one of those big salads that you just eat right out of the salad bowl. Blue cheese... cue the Homer Simpson druel.

I have always had a problem with the movie "Chasing Amy" so I figured that I might need another drink to help me through it. On my third drink of Mostly-Gin-and-Not-so-much-Tonic I was hammered on the floor. Not one of those cool buzzes that you can tell all your friends about it latter. No this is one of those drunken times when you have to hold on to the carpet just to keep from falling off the face of the earth.

Then we watched mall rats. I missed the part with Stan Lee. Check out how many movies this guy has been in.

Then I was still not ready so we watched "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." I drank so many bottles of water to wash that crap out of my body. Finally I was ok to get out of there and drive home. Called my aunt to tell her that I was home ok and that I did not crash into any of the five cop cars that passed me in the way home. After that nothing but darkness for 10 hours and then the hang over...


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Friday, July 9, 2004

A Blast From The Past

ok so I was talking to a friend of mine and she told me about this poem that I had written in college. I figured that someone out there might like it. I have changed a word or two to make it sound better. Don't forget that this is four or more years old so some people might think its crappy. I promise I will write more later and about my great week.

I want to live
I want to live with my loved one
I want to be with her through out the night
I want to be there when she awakes
I want to hear her calling out my name in the night
I want to catch all the strands of her golden love
I want to make her dreams tangible;
...turn her wishes into birds of flight
I want to catch her joy and carry it with me;
...to use,
...to cherish when I am down
...and once again be happy as if I was with her
...then crush and mix these feelings
...'till they become a mirrored emotion back at her
...and we share a warm glow of love.


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Look In On The children At Night In The Glow Of Their Donald Duck Light

Ok this my first post since... my last one. So here goes...

Children: If you asked me if I wanted to have children two years ago I would have said: Children are a sexually transmitted disease. Now if you ask me I will still say that I don't like children. But for a while I thought that they were ok.

I have two brothers and one sister. The girl is the oldest who I have named Sparky. The middle child, who is a boy I named Spanky. The youngest boy I have named Speedy.

My dad game them all Scientific names as a joke one time. That's what kind of nerdy family I live in. Here they are.
Sparky = Bratus gigantus
Spanky = Bratus horribilus
Speedy = Bratus imputicus

Sparky and I are very close. Until recently I used to pick her up from school and we used to play on the playground for about 15 minutes. I was not a very long time but we got to bond and I got to talk about scientific ... stuff. Sometimes I feel bad because I wake her up when I go downstairs to watch tv at 11pm. She is the only one of the three that is still allowed to go into my room. Plus she is really cool. How else do you describe a nine year old girl who likes to listen to "Break on Through" by the Doors.

Spanky is a great. The most emotionally attached child I know. One time he cried for 45 minutes when we tried to throw away a refrigerator cardboard box he had been playing with. The thing was three days old and had been ripped and it had rained on it. He still cried. He hates eating so on the days that I do eat with the family I usually feed him. I hate it because he is six ... or something around that age, and he still can't feed himself. His humor is unmatched by any of the other children. Right now we are going to a hard time trying to teach him the meaning of what is mine is mine. Other than that he has always been great to be around. Except when he distracts me during yoga. But when he hang out in the kitchen when I am washing the dishes we can always listen to some good Techno music.

Speedy is the last one. With the most confident demeanors of all three he is destined to lead, just like his big sister. He is sure of himself and knows what he wants. unfortunately he wants his mother a little too much. When he gets too tiered sometimes he will just fall asleep underneath the diner table. But being the youngest and thus the smallest he is still travel sized. One of the greatest moments was when he fell asleep on my chest while I lay on the floor. I'm sure there are pictures of this momentous event out there.

So anyway. This are the children of my life and I love all three of them. Except for when they do not eat their diner. They were having a baby sale in my store. I actually asked if I could bring in a baby and see if I could exchange it for another one of equal or lesser value. They said no. Bad customer service.

Yesterday I somehow the topic of children came up and this girl I work with asked me what if I met a girl that had a child already. I thought about it for a while and maybe a while ago I might have thought, "Who cares if she has a child. Thats just a drop of rain in the sea, in the grand scheme of things."

The tide is turning.

But now... Well now I am back. I am back to loving my three siblings and spoiling the hell out of them with gifts. It will be a while before I buy them another computer though.

For Now I'm off to get a vasectomy.


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Sunday, July 4, 2004

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long
Any time she goes away

I wonder this time where she's gone
I wonder if she's gonna stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
An' this house just ain't no home
Any time she goes away

An' I know-I know-I know-I know-I know-I know
I know-I know-I know-I know ....
Yeah, I'm gonna leave that young thing alone
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone - oh oh

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness every day
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
An' this house just ain't no home
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away


Don't post a comment... please.


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Monday, June 28, 2004

A PRAYER

Lord? Please don't let me die in a funny way.

Like being beaten to death with a shoe. Especially not my own shoe. And, if it absolutely has to be my own shoe, I'd rather not be wearing it at the time.

Or like choking on my own fist during a bar bet.

Perhaps I should clarify a little. I do know that I'm going to die someday. (Maybe soon! That's Your call.) And I know there's nothing funny about death—at least, that's the current thinking from this side. I'm just asking to not die in a way that leads people who don't know me to e-mail one another news items about my death. For instance:

Please don't let me get so fat that paramedics have to come to my house and cut out a wall to remove me but then bang my head against a load-bearing pillar in the process, thus killing me.

Please don't let me die on or near or—perhaps worst of all—because of a toilet. (This includes a urinal or a baseball-stadium-style urine trough, in addition to a standard commode.)

Please don't let my death in any way involve one of those giant inflatable rats that union protesters put up outside non-union job sites. Or a blimp of any kind. Until I see some evidence to the contrary, I’m going to have to say that my dying because of just about anything inflatable would be something I'd rather avoid. A hot-air balloon, I guess, would be O.K., but only if I'm actually in the balloon at the time. At least that would be kind of rugged and outdoorsy. What I'm trying to say is: if someone else's hot-air balloon falls out of the sky and smothers me while I'm lying in a hammock reading Hot Air Balloon Enthusiast magazine, I'm going to be a little pissed.

I apologize for that language, Lord, but I'm just trying to be honest with You.

A vehicular accident? Fine. Bring it on. I understand that, statistically, there's a pretty good chance of that happening anyway. Just please don't let it involve a moped. Or a go-kart.

Also, I'd prefer not to die in a head-on collision with someone who—against all odds—has the same name as me. Or anyone named, for instance, Roger Crash. Or Ed Oncollision. Or Jennifer Safedriver. I could go on, but I think You get the point.

I'm sure You get this one a lot, but: please don't let me die during sex. Unless the technical cause of my death is a heart attack or a stroke. If I have to die during sex, please don't make the cause of death any of the following: extreme dehydration, a previously undiagnosed allergy to fruit-scented or "massage" oils, dermatological complications arising from severe rug burn, or anything involving the use or misuse of any object best described as "foreign."

Please don't let me die in a way that allows the Post to run a small item about my death on page 12 or 13 or so under the headline "dude, where’s my corpse?" Or "dumb and deader." Or "dead and deader." Or "the house of sand and dead." Or "j. lo's latest nuptials postponed due to lethal tent-raising mishap."

Please don't let me cut my own head off while trying to revive the lost Scouting pastime of mumblety-peg.

I would have to consider any fatality involving a prolapsed anus, of course, absolutely beyond the pale. I mean, come on, Lord.

Also—and I'm not trying to split hairs with You, Lord—when I ask You to not let me die in a funny way, I also mean please don't let me die in a noteworthily ironic way. Meaning: whether my death is "ha-ha" funny or the other kind of funny, neither of those is what I'm in the market for. For instance, please don't let me go on a Sleepwalkers Anonymous Outward Bound-type retreat and sleepwalk into a canyon or gorge in the middle of the night.

And, if You deem it necessary (or just amusing) to take my mind before You take my body, let's try to keep the progressive dementia noble and epically sad rather than comical. For example: please let the last face I recognize be the photograph of a long-lost high-school girlfriend and not one of the plucky toddlers from the animated show "Rugrats." In my final moments, let me awaken—apparently lucid—in the pre-dawn hours calling out for a kiss on the forehead from a dead great-aunt rather
than from the mustachioed black bartender on "The Love Boat."

Or from the actor who played him, for that matter.

Even if I don't die in a funny way, I'd still rather not die on the same day as some other person who does die in a funny way. Because I don't want any version of the following conversation to occur between my friends:

Friend One: Did you read his obituary?
Friend Two: Yeah. Nice piece.
Friend One: Very nice.
Friend Two: He would have liked it.
Friend One: That he would have. That he would have.
(Awkward silence.)
Friend Two: Did you see that other obituary about the banana wholesaler who actually slipped on the—
Friend One: Yeah. You couldn't make that up!

Well, that's about it, Lord.

Actually—as long as I've got You, let me just mention a few final ways for me to die that may or may not seem funny to You, depending on Your sense of humor.

I would rather be burned beyond all recognition than burned almost beyond all recognition, especially if the pictures are going to end up on the Internet.

If some kind of rare organism eats away at my body from the inside, please let it be microscopic. Or just slightly larger than microscopic. Let's put it this way: if it’s big enough to have a face, that would be too big.

Thank You for Your time, Lord.

(Also: Ted Lange. That's the name of the actor who played the bartender on "The Love Boat" whose name I couldn't remember before. I Googled him for You, Lord. Which has got to count for something, right?)


by PAUL SIMMS
Issue of 2004-07-05 The New Yorker3

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Friday, June 25, 2004

Spider-Man India? WTF!!!

Ok now I am angry with the world. Whats up with this. Marvel Comics has just announced Spider-Man India. That's right mo-fos they are retelling the whole Spider-Man mythology so it is more "relevant" to the culture. Read all about it here.

Most of the following ideas were edited form another website with a few things of my own. This is the part where I loose most people...

What the hell is wrong with this world. My comic-geek senses are tingling and they are telling me that this comic is going to suck more than the clone saga. I think this is a mouthful of Chicken Tika spit in the face of all true Spider-Man fans. Everyone knows that Spider-Man is a White Anglo Male. Just like Jesus. Don't you see how much Dabaya is screwing up our economy? Even our comic book superheroes are being outsourced to India. Screw you NAFTA. Can you imagine how the new Peter Parker won't be taking pictures. I bet he will be working tech support for Gateway or something. And whats with those shoes? Peter Parker went to Standard High School, a respectable center for education, not Harvey Milk High School. Those shoes make him look fruity. And whats with the excess cloth on his costume. Watch him get stuck on one of the spires of the Taj Mahal. How is he supposed to climb building with those tiny little feet. In the original comics, Tod McFarlane issues #300-375, Spider-Man's calves looked like they could stop a bullet. This guy on the other hand looks like he has ballerina feet. All I have to say is, they better keep their dirty Bollywood hands off Spider-Man 2. The only good thing I can see about this is Vishnu would be a great Doc Oc instead of that guy that looks like Ray Romano thats going to be in Spider-Man 2. That guy looks like Ray Romano and the character Manny that hey voiced for in Ice Age rolled into one. Plus everyone knows that the best Spider-Man spin off is Spider-Man 2099. He had the best costume. Why are these people allowed to destroy my childhood idol. I know people are angry that all the best comics are based in the United States but that is not a reason to change them. I don't think this is a very good example of how The Man is trying to keep us down.

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Sounds (an original poem)

Sounds and sounds of Fatalism
I used to wander, lonely before you
Possible futures change the oasis
You used to walk together before me

Sounds and sounds of Rotation
The very soft spinning iron fans of time
Counting one second per second of life
The very slow dieing beat of my heart

Sounds and sounds of Stagnancy
I drink from your hot and wet lips of lust
The ring you wear makes it taste just like brine
I eat from my cold and dry heart of love

Sounds and sounds of Diversion
What you do with your long nails is pleasure
We hide in cars wallowing in passion
What I do with my fingers is delight

Sounds and sounds of WhetherMan
Hiding nervously as the thunder rolls
Wait for the gentle caress of could nine
Hiding cautiously as the lighting strikes

Sounds and sounds of skepticism
Please put away the plumb of suspicion
Don't lie, you know how deep I feel or you
Please open up the tempest of certainty

Sounds and sounds of Secrecy
My ugly shoes do not go there anymore
The stairway still waits with dust and passion
Your pretty heels do not come here anymore

Sounds and sounds of Conundrum
Have you come into my cold life to stay
I don't think you will ever be decisive
Have you gone into his cold bed to leave

Sounds and sounds of Blasphemy
The moan and wails you yell into the room
Rapture from your lips in a foreign land
The sounds of voice I sing into your ear

Sounds and sounds of Pollution
The part of me that swims inside of you
Eco this. Eco that. I'm sorry world.
The part of you that lives inside of me

Sounds and sounds of Transgression
Had to push my feelings deep inside me
Just let the current of emotions flow
Had to let my feelings wash over me

Sounds and sounds of Hydration
I'm the desert when you are not near
Parched, describes my life, just right, with out you
You're the water when I am this thirsty

Sounds and sounds of Division
Once there was no sunshine when she was gone
Now I'm only happiest when it rains
Now there is no sunshine when you are here

Sounds and sounds of Waterline
You fill me with such grand inspiration
Shake and tremble with out your bodies warmth
You drain me of such ill desperation

Sounds and sounds of Agony
I have come to fear the water of life
You are the island in the far distance
I have come to fear the leak in the boat

Sounds and sounds of Optimism
Roots of the river now touch the ocean
Sea of love around scavenger me
Tides of the river turn from the ocean

Sounds and sounds of Slavery
It's true that now we are set free to love
You say I take it too deep to fathom
It's true that now we are confined to sex?

Sounds and sounds of Changeover
Ride one was a new and exciting start
Now there's a drama you tried to avoid
Ride two was an old and dramatic end

Sounds and sounds of Terminus
Is this the end of all we never had
The train never arrives it just derails
Maybe we pick up our love and continue

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Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Working hard

So my dad decided to take a vacation for the next two weeks. I knew that he was going to be working on the house so I was pretty excited. When my dad and I work together we always seem to bond more. In comparison to the NO bonding we do any other time. I'm serious we do not really talk about anything so when he does do work I'm right there to help.

So on Monday I wake up at 5:30 in the morning. Why, do you ask. I have no idea why I get up at that time. It's one of those things that my eyes snap open and I have no desire to go back to sleep and no desire to get up. So I make a phone call to some one who I knew would also be foolish enough to be awake. We talked for a while and when we hung up I went back to sleep.

I wake up aggravated. There is all this noise above me like my brother and sister are playing upstairs. I think to myself: "Jesus, can't these kids play quietly upstairs. I mean, they have the entire upstairs and they have to make noise." Then it dawns on me that my room is in the attic and I AM in the upstairs. I realize that my dad is outside ripping the roof off the house. I get up and put some clothes on and get ready to help him.

I climb up ladder and remember that I hate heights. My mom took pictures but I realized that if I waited for those pictures it would be weeks before I had them.

I bring out the palm pilot.


The roof after we ripped off all the shingles. Then we ripped off some of the rotting wood up above. The pink stuff is the insulation and a small barrier that could separate a miss placed foot from going into my room.


A closer look of the roof and the pink stuff. That little brown thing is what we had to stand on while we ripped off the roof. I also what I hung on to while I pried out what felt like 50 billion nails off the roof. You see the green spot and the arm ... thats my dad.


A view from above at all the crap we threw down. That blue thing is the top of the ladder. We threw all the stuff onto the deck that we built last summer. We forgot to put plastic down.


A picture of me doing what ever.


Me sitting on the roof looking at my neighbor. That man is weird. Before he trims the hedges he puts plastic down so the clipping do not get on the grass. Thats just weird. It's amazing how much that roof gets hot after so little heat. I almost cooked my ass sitting there. Do you like my sister ... she is the one behind the camera. Yeah she climbed up to the roof.


A picture of my dirty butt. No comments please ... but you can use this as your computer wallpaper.


I hurt my finger pulling out all those nails. I made my dad buy me 15 dollar gloves. What can I say the women of the world depend on my gentle yet masculine touch. You know the worst part was not ripping off the skin. When I put on the liquid band-aid, which smelled like finger nail polish, it stung like hell. I really screamed and I had to pump myself up to put on another layer.

Well right now he is cleaning up and I have to get ready to go to work.

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