My-Life-Sucks Awareness Day

With every disorder that comes up in the world we have to have some kind of awareness day for it. The other day was Bi-Polar awareness day. Why? I am already aware that I have Bi-Polar disorder. I do not need to be reminded that I have this. It only makes me sad... Then happy... Then sad... Then happy again...

I am sorry but I do not need any special attention from the world. I do not want it. There are those out there who use this as a good reason for their "poor me" drama. Everyone has an excuse why they can not do something they want. If they cant get the job they wanted it was because "The Man" was against them. HEY!!! Maybe it had something to do with your grades. That could be a reason why you are still working in McDonalds ten years later.

Back to disorders... Have you ever noticed that now there are some really specific disorders for everything? Such as CFS. CFS stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Do you know what my parents would call that? Lazy. People are quick to label a medical problem on their child because they do not want to take time to say, "Hey, maybe I should raise my child a little bit different." Everyone really wants to spank their child but they are afraid of being someone screaming "child abuse." These parents just need to cowboy-up and do it. I was spanked as a child. And it did me good. I would probably be knocking up convenience stores right now if I was not whipped into shape.

I have some good ideas for fundraising...
...The-Anorexia-Bakeoff.
...Tone-deaf-Sing-Along.
...Narcolepsy-Sleep-Over.

I thought these would be good ideas for some disorders. If you want a better awareness fund raiser for a more serious ailment... Well you can join in on the Alzheimers-Hide-And-Seek.


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Carry That Weight

Did you *get* the memo?

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank You for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


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Hollyday of Rabbits and Cavities

So I think that my blog is on the verge of been a little to "preachy." I want to write about a lot of things that people will enjoy and after a while I think people are going to get tired of my social rants. So in honer of Easter I am making my first picture blog for mySpace. I used to do these for LiveJournal so I figured that I should bring the tradition here. All you have to do is read the sentence and then click on the picture underneath it...

Easter is here and everyone knows what that means... Exploitation or rabbits.
Pic 01
I put some clothes clean clothes on before I left the house. Clean clothes are always good.
Pic 02
I went to a friend's house to celebrate the holiday.  My car is a little dented but it could always be worse.
Pic 03
I drove the back roads to my friends house trying not to get lost in my county... I don't think I did so bad.
Pic 04
It is damn near impossible to read any of the street sings on any road when you are going 55 miles an hour.
Pic 05
Granted, with the prices of gas being the way they are I probably should not be wasting it by driving like that.
Pic 06
Still the sun was shining and the weather was so nice.  I just had to have the top down...
Pic 07
I parked my car brought the top up and I walked across the street to my friends house.
Pic 08
I got there and we all ate some food.  There were too many of us to sit around the table so we just sat were ever.
Pic 09
There was not enough beer to go around so the grownups were guarding them like tigers.
Pic 10
I am kind of glad that I did not drink even though I am not really an excessive drinker like this.
Pic 11
Last time I was drinking with my friends, one of them made a confession with a lot of porcelain goodness.
Pic 12
But I should talk more about Easter and what it entails... Everyone knows that you can not certain things during the holidays.
Pic 13
So yeah we had some chicken. It was not rotisserie but if it was still really delicious.
Pic 14
How good was it? Well I think I should let the experts answer that question...
Pic 15
Back to today... played a movie trivia game... There were some Star Trek questions so I rocked those.
Pic 16
Went to the mall and enjoyed the evils of American Consumerism even though a lot of the stores were closed.
Pic 17
I wanted to find the new sushi store but every time that I thought of it I was on the wrong floor to find it.
Pic 18
Let me tell you some of those people who work at the mall just not be there.  The wrong person for the job.
Pic 19
Everyone wonders where the chocolate bunnies come from but you can't bite the head of a chocolate covered Jesus.
Pic 20
This is a holiday to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus because he was out savior.
Pic 21
Do not get offended.  There are worse things in the world than my disturbing humor.
Pic 22
Have you noticed that some people only go to church on Easter and X-mas.
Pic 23
Have you ever noticed that rabbits do not lay eggs. Not every animal that lays eggs has good intentions.
Pic 24
I think I might be out of place with all the little kids celebrating easter with all their baskets.
Pic 25
Of maybe, just maybe... Easter is dead.
Pic 26


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Retail Sucks... Part 1

One of the first things you learn in kindergarten is, "Always put things back where you found them." In Boy Scouts we learn, "Always leave a camp site better than you found it." I have always thought these were great values to live by. Now while a lot of people have not been Boy Scouts... statistically less than half of the American public have ever been in the Boy Scouts, I am sure that most people have been in kindergarten.

Now here is my question... Why DON'T people put things back where they found them? Anyone one who has worked in retail knows what I am talking about. I have worked in three stores at the Palisades Center Mall. In chronological order they are; Joanns, CompUSA, and JCPenney. I have come to believe that people shop in the mind set that the store that they are in allows them too.

Joanns is by far the most lax store when it comes to enforcing rules of courteous conduct in their store. The other day this lady knocked over this vase and it broke. I was loud. Everyone heard it. So did she... She even looked at the broken shards on the floor. But she looked at them as she was waking away. So I had to walk over and clean it up. I have no problems with people breaking stuff at the store. Believe me; sometimes I break things just to get some anger out, but I always clean up after myself. What makes you think you can do these things?

America has created a new caste system that is defined by retail hierarchy. Depending on which side of the counter you are on depends on how well you get treated. As a culture, we should not have a mind set of treating people depending on the quantity of business that they can bring. It seems that if you just threaten to take your business elsewhere the store will appeal to your every whim no matter how trivial.

Why is it that when a company grows to include share holders then they no longer have a backbone. Of if you complain they just send you a bunch of coupons when you make a complaint. It is not always about pleasing your customer. A company as a whole should stand up against being used. Sometimes doing the right thing, is not doing the right thing. If someone is manhandling the product the company should have the right to tell them to be careful. At what point in history was, "You break it you buy it" replaced with "The customer is always right."

In the long run, doing what ever the customer wants is not really a good thing. There are people who buy things from Costco, use them for a year and then go back and return them. Costco will accept them and give them back whatever they paid for them. These people do not just return little things. These people return Digital Cameras, Laptops, and TVs a year or more after they bought them. Electronics are worthless to a store a year after they are sold because no one else wants to buy them. Using these three items lets just say that the average return ticket price is $1,300.00. Let us say that 5 people a day do this at every single Costco store. Anyone who has every worked the customer service desk at a retail store knows that this is a reasonable number. I called the Nanuet Costco warehouse and the person who picked up the phone told me that there were somewhere in the vicinity of 400 to 450 warehouses worldwide. He also stated that Costco opened up four to six new stores a year. If there are 450 Costco stores in the world, the company as a whole must take a loss of 1.06 billion dollars a year.

The average stock holder will not tolerate this kind of loss to the revenue of the store. So what will happen to reverse this kind of loss? The company has three options. The stores can either, raise prices, buy cheaper products (made possible by outsourcing jobs) or laying of workers. Raising prices rarely happens in the retail world. So if a company does any mixture of the last two it means the loss of American jobs. Bottom line is that America, due to its customer arrogance is shopping itself out of a job.

Please... I don't want to hurt anymore...

Some day...
You'll forgive me for being so cold,
and you'll forgive me for missing me so.
You'll forgive me for the loud racing of your heart,
and you'll forgive me for not hearing it.
You'll forgive me for not respecting you enough,
and you'll forgive me for loving you too much.
You'll forgive me for toying with you emotions,
and you'll forgive me for playing stupid games.
You'll forgive me for finding you so attractive,
and you'll forgive me for not noticing.
You'll forgive me for raising you up so high,
and you'll forgive me for bringing you down so low.
You'll forgive me for wanting to be with you,
and you'll forgive me for avoiding you.
You'll forgive me for not writing to you,
and you'll forgive me for the times I read.
You'll forgive me for being so self destructive,
and you'll forgive me for not seeking help for it.
You'll forgive me for not being able to restrain,
and you'll forgive me for never letting go.
You'll forgive me for giving hopes and dreams,
and you'll forgive me for crushing them.
You'll forgive me for entering your life,
and you'll forgive me for leaving it abruptly.
Some day... you'll forgive me for saying goodbye...


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Wasted Youth... Fuck Authority...

The other day I try to inform one of the customers that she should not fill out a ticket the way she was doing... She would put the dollar amount in numbers in the ticket but in the cents area she put 'X's... Now let me make this clear for those who think they are hanging out with Marcus Aurelius 'X' is not a number and if it was that would mean 20 cents... You have no idea how many times someone complains because they wrote a check and they charged their account 44 cents instead of no cents because they put 'X's... The system looks at them and thinks they are '4's. And how wonderful it is to take 20 minutes out of your day just to return '44' cents... So anyway I informed this customer that she should alter the way that she fills out her deposit ticket so there is not a mistake during processing. What does she do... She flat-out refuses to change... She says that she has been filling out her tickets like that for the last 30 years and that she is not going to change... Apparently she did not realize that there have been changes and/or improvements in banking technology since she started... You know like computers... Calculators... The Abacus...

My other instance is this other customer calls and she tells me that she wants to close her account but she was in Florida. Apparently Florida is where old people migrate to die. So I told her that I needed written authorization before I could close her account. All she would have to do is write a letter and I would close the account and then mail her the check. Well she proceeds to tell me that she does not want to write a letter and that she should not have to since she is old... Old people should not have to write letters. I just could not do anything so I put the lady on hold and this lady from the branch picks up... All I hear is: "He can not close the account with out written authorization" "Well I am a senior citizen too." Im telling you, people think they can get away with this crap because they are old... but they seem to always complain about Americas youth... We are doing things that they could never have dreamed of.

There just seems to be a sort of negative look on the young by old people. I remember when I was a kid and my parents bought a camcorder. Well I was using it and them mothers dad (yeah I phrased it like that for a reason) was yelling at me because I was too young to be handling such an expensive piece of equipment... Dude!!! I was the only one who knew how to operate the damn thing... Finally I told him that according to his theory of age/price of equipment ratio he would be the only person in the house to use the $2500.00 computer I had in my room. And since he did not even know to turn the damn thing on he shouldn't even talk about it.

They say that youth is wasted on the young... What ever... They other day my friend and I were going to get some sushi. While we are going to the restaurant we see this old lady trying to park her convertible Toyota Solara. The top was down so its not like she should have had problems parking. But she did. She had two car lengths to park... she could not make in in those conditions. I swear they should have a special license for bad drivers like that. Class S for Suck-Ass. Yeah that's right. I stood there and watched her try to park. Finally when she hit the curb for the third time I was too disgusted. As I walked away I said, loud enough so she would hear, "You know how they say youth is wasted on he young? Well nice cars are wasted on old people!"

Why are old people always complaining about young people and how good we have it... Oh yeah they had it bad... Well let me tell you... I don't care that you had to walk to school barefooted, in the snow, carrying your books, up a hill, both ways... I am so tired of this age discrimination crap... You guys are just angry that we got color TV. Screw you AARP. Well if you people had it so bad then how come everything we enjoy is exploited beyond our control by greedy old people... How come we are not going to get any social security? How come we don't have an ozone layer?


Extra Reading

Lonely woman

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


Extra Reading

Regrets

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Around the Water Cooler

So there are so many great shows out there for people to watch... But the only one that I bother watching while it is still airing is "24" So if you know me you know not to call me on Mondays between 9:00pm and 10:00pm.

The reason why this show has moved into the only show that I will actively watch is because it really is a great show. The whole concept of the show is amazing. For every hour in the show is an hour in real life. That just creates some great concepts and unique problems in story telling. Just watching the show has taught me how to be a better writer. Not to mention that I admire all the sacrifices that Keifer Sutherland's character, Jack Bauer, as to give. Yes I know that these sacrifices are not real but if one suspends disbelief and immerse yourself in the world then you too would be amazed at that the character has had to endure.

That said the enjoyment of the TV show is for me alone. I go to my friends house every Monday to watch "24." We do not talk about the show before it starts. Nor do we talk about the show when the show is over. I just have no desire to talk about the show.

I don't want to have one of those water cooler conversations where everyone talks about the some stupid show that they just watched. Last time I tried doing this I tried putting a small twist on it. Everyone was talking about the "The Sopranos" and I said, "Hey you know I just finished? 'Portrait of the Artists as a Young Man'" Every one looked at me funny. They only reason why I could figure that no one knew what I was talking about was because everyone else was illiterate or just a math major.

The other day I was sitting in the lunch room. I was close to the water cooler so it could technically count as a water cooler conversation. Well I am sitting there and this lady come up to me and asks me if I had watched "24" the night before. AHHH!!! So I just took the high ground on this conversation... I lied and I told her that I had not watched it. So she proceeds to tell me what happened in the show. She emphasizes the screaming and the yelling in the show. For those who are wondering... For me lying that I just stopped watching the show WAS taking the high road... I could elaborated and I could have told I no longer watched the show because it reminds me too much of my parents. There was a time when I was young and my parents tortured me with sodium pentothal because I would not eat my supper.

I am sorry I just can not like anything that is that popular. There comes a point in someones life that they realized that they can not talk to anyone because they had not watched the show that everyone else had seen. Not because they were too busy or they were asleep but because they did not like it. Then with everyone watching the show they turn around and watch it because they want to be on the conversation. Believe me, I know. I was nine years old when I first started to feel this pressure because my parents did not go to as many movies as everyone else. Yeah after a year or two of that feeling of inadequacy I just gave up and stopped caring about what everyone else was watching. Thats why I usually wait until a show is off the air and then go out and buy the DVD season sets to watch them all in a row. It just makes things a lot easier for me. When you get used to watching it with out commercial you also become very spoiled. Sometimes I watch them on syndication because by that time no one is the watching the show. Still, I like the commercial less version of TV.

Hey by the way... Did you watch that episode of "Miami Vice?"


Extra Reading

Vasectomy... Do it for the kids.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am not really a big fan of kids. Actually I have been quoted as saying, "Kids are a sexually transmitted disease." And for the most part I have always thought this was true. I mean they are loud, smelly and annoying. Parents have this tendency of sitting miniaturized, monstrous, versions of themselves on my counter at work. When they leave I really have to clean my station. I do not want that smelly baby order around me. Then some people have stated, but wait werent you once a kid. Yes I was. And guess what, I was loud, smelly and annoying. And if you get me on the right day I might still be all of these.

But I have realized there is a group of people that I hate even more than kids. That group of people is the parents. Seriously. I think peoples IQ drops to whatever age their kid is. At this time I would like to clarify that I am measuring age by years. I have no idea what compels people to say, "The baby is 52 or 53 weeks old." Yeah there is another way to say that. "One Year." Even if it is 53 weeks, it is still a year. You dont hear me saying that I am 1,328 weeks old.

Still, that is not the part that annoys me. What really gets my blood boiling is when parents or anyone else in a twelve foot radius around the child starts to talk like a special needs patient. Let me tell you if I was a child and I had the necessary motor skills and hand-eye coordination, I would smack whoever was talking to me like that. Why would anyone teach their kids to talk like that? And you ARE teaching them. Anything you do a child will pick up on. I remember the first time my little brother said, "f--k." Personally I thought that was funny but that just proves that they really do pick up everything. While I do not suggest you curse like a sailor around your children. Do not teach your kids to talk one way only to teach them to talk in proper English later.

The last thing that I notice parents doing is their desire to take naked pictures of their children. They are in the bathtub or in their crib or wherever. Let me give you some advice. DO NOT DO THAT. Yeah there is a sure way on how to get your child to hate you later on. Just use that picture and do something stupid with it. Because all parents inevitably do. They take the pictures and put them in their childs high school yearbook. Youre kids do not really need too much or a reason to hate you. Do not give them another excuse that they can use at some future trial for a Menendez Crime.

For those who are wondering, there are no such pictures of me. I am sure its not for lack of trying. I was born in South America and there was barely any running water let alone a camera. The closest thing we came to a picture taking device was our memory. We did not even have a police sketch artist, thats how pour we were. That compiled with the fact that I did not bring home the little form to let my parents buy some space on my high school yearbook. Yeah that means I totally skipped that embarrassing part of my life. Yeah, my high school career was embarrassing enough. Its not like I need to go out with a bang. For any one who has ever seen me drunk knows what I am talking about.

The last thing I hate about parents is their desire to make their children look like they a little Einstein. "Did you know little Tommy can already count to ten?" "Well Nicky can sing the alphabet." So what... One of these days I am going to say, "Well guess what. My little brother is doing my taxes. Granted its only the 1040EZ but hey he is only three give him time."

Ok thats it. Please feel free to have kids. Just not around me.


Extra Reading

Crazy For You Rights Activists

So the other day my friend gives me this newspaper cut out. Apparently the Vermont Teddy Bear Company had this stuffed bear that was called "Crazy for You Bear." This little guy was great... He came with a note and he had a little straight jacket. Get it... Crazy for you... Well as the article pointed out. Apparently some group was upset with this bear because the, according to them the teddy bear company was not being sensitive to the feelings of people with mental disorder.

Let me tell you a little something about myself... When I was 20 or so I was sent to one of those nice places where life is beautiful all the time. At the time I was already taking some prescription medication. And by some I mean Prozac, Depakote, Ritalin, Clonazepam, Wellbutrin XL, Paxil, Lamictal, as well as a daily vitamin and some iron supplement for my anemia. So on the day that I was sent up to the place with the nice young men and their clean white coats, they doubled my douses of everything. Needless to say, that night I slept soundly. For the rest of the time that I was there I had to have this guy watch me all the time. Apparently that's what they do when you are on suicide what. They took everything from when I got there... They took my phone. Apparently they did not want me make any unauthorized phone calls. They took my glasses. Apparently I could break my glasses and hurt myself with the shards. All of this reminded me of "Alice's Restaurant." There is this line in the song when Arlo goes, "They took out the toilet seat so I could not get myself over the ganging ground. I said, 'Officer Obie, you did not think I was going to hang myself for littering did you?'"

Anyhow... Enough with the depressing stuff...

So now that I have established myself as some who might be offended by such a bear, let me say something to those who, on my behalf, filed suit against the Vermont Teddy Bear Company... "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE." Seriously... these people and their politically correct dogma are driving me nuts... I feel like I just stepped into Bizzaro world. If anything in the world makes me crazy, I would have to blame all of these people who do not want to offend someone... all of these people who want to sanitize the whole world so they wont insult anyone. There is always going to be someone who is insulted. Things that seem to insult people are also the things that seem to define certain people. As soon as we stop saying certain things because of fear that we might hurt someone's feelings that is the day that we stop acknowledging people as individuals...


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