If ancient Rome had the Internet...

-- The destruction of Pompeii in 79AD is the most viewed video at YouTube. The first comment is..."OMG so cool! Volcanos ROCK!"

-- Attila the Hun has his own MySpace page. Nobody ever rejects his "invite a friend" emails.

-- The soothsayer's "Ides of March" email fails to get Caesar's proper attention as it's inadvertently filtered into his junk folder.

-- But at least Caesar's "Et tu Brute?" comment is available as a free ringtone download.

-- The domain gladiator.rome sells for the record sum of 1,000,000 denarii.

-- "Naked Cleopatra" is the top search term on Google.

-- Unfortunately, the Queen of Egypt dies an early death after misunderstanding IT's call to embrace an ASP solution.

-- Hannibal blogs his way across the Alps with posts like, "Whoops, lost another elephant today."

-- But he runs out of money when his PPC budget is plundered by an iberian click scam organized by Publius Cornelius Scipio.

-- Tiber.com opens, initially selling scrolls and tablets before expanding to include togas, pottery, and do-it-yourself mosaic kits.

-- Websites like handsome-literate-male-british-slave.com pollute the search listings thanks to generous commissions at the slaves.co.rome affiliate program.

-- Roman programmers moan about projects outsourced to cheap coders in Mesopotamia.

-- The Colosseum is renamed the eBay Colosseum, with free wireless hotspots outside the lark's tongue restaurant.

-- The volume of spam collapses when the penalty for not providing a working opt-out mechanism becomes equal billing with the lions at the eBay Colosseum.

-- But we still get emails featuring Brunhilda, the lonely Visigoth, and hot deals on cheap peacock livers from Gaul.

-- Nobody invents a spam filter good enough for the House of the Vestals.

-- Classical geeks wear t-shirts proclaiming, "there's no place like CXXVII.0.0.I" (bonus points if you get that one)

-- Finally, Rome burns to the ground while Emperor Nero battles online with Hakkar the Soulflayer in World of Warcraft.


Extra Reading

Warning: Spoilers Ahead

The Empire Strikes Back -- Vader is Luke's dad
...........Citizen Kane -- Rosebud was his sled
...........Harry Potter -- Harry Potter dies
.................Psycho -- Norman is the killer (in drag)
.....The Usual Suspects -- Verbal is Keyser Sze
........The Sixth Sense -- Doc is dead
.....Planet of the Apes -- Earth, in the future
.............Old Yeller -- Dog gets put down
..........Soylent Green -- Soylent Green is people!
.....Gone With the Wind -- He dumps her
.............The Matrix -- Life is a simulation (whoa)
........Rosemary's Baby -- Husband is in on it
........The Crying Game -- She is a he
..2001: A Space Odyssey -- Dave disconnects HAL
.............Fight Club -- Split personality
....High Plains Drifter -- Citizens paint town red
..................Se7en -- Wife's head in box
...........The Simpsons -- Maggie shot Mr. Burns
.................Dallas -- Mistress shot J. R.
.............Twin Peaks -- Laura Palmer's father did it
.......Romeo and Juliet -- Double suicide
.....Hitchhiker's Guide -- 42
......Lord of the Flies -- Boys are rescued
..............Moby-Dick -- Whale destroys boat, lives
...................Jaws -- Shark destroys boat, killed
Hunchback of Notre-Dame -- He buries himself
.......The Great Gatsby -- Gatsby is murdered
......The Da Vinci Code -- The girl is a descendent of Jesus
........Brave New World -- John commits suicide
.........Fahrenheit 451 -- Burned books are memorized
..............Watergate -- Mark Felt is Deep Throat
.........The Trojan War -- Greek soldiers in horse
................Metroid -- Samus Aran is a woman
...Pit and the Pendulum -- Prisoner is saved
...........Lonelygirl15 -- She's an actress
..............Christmas -- There is no Santa


Extra Reading

Don't look it is a Peep Show

On DVD's there are such things as Easter Eggs. An Easter Egg is a hidden message or feature in a DVD, movie, book, or computer program. I figure for the sake of Easter I would put up some of my favorite DVD easter eggs.

Cars
--- Let the DVD sit on the Menu screen and cycle through the animation and music for 5 turns. When it is ready a Dinoco image will appear in the bottom right corner. Click on this to see Mater and Lightning McQueen at a drive-in watching a version of Boundin', the Pixar short featured on the Incredibles DVD, featuring themselves.

Dogma
--- The "Good Will Hunting Commercial" just insert the disc into the DVD player. Go to the main menu and press right to highlight the heart around Cool Jesus Select it and catch the trailer for that movie with Mork from Ork in it.

Fight Club
--- When the DVD is starting up and is going through the FBI warning and stuff get ready. It will start off with the "FBI Warning," then "Attention," then "Warning." Get close for "Warning" and check out the message. I havent been able to read the whole thing because it goes so fast but it says stuff like "Haven't you got anything better to do?" and goes on to insult your perspective on authority. I found this watching waiting for the screen to do the flicker thing before the DVD menu and thought is was really cool.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
--- Using Disk One Of The 4-Disk Special Extended DVD Edition (Not the 2-Disk Set). Go to "Select a Scene" and go to the very last scene on the selection which should be #27 "The Council of Elrond". Press Down Once and you should see a little ring next to "New Scene". Select it and Peter Jackson should come on telling you that you've stumbled across a surprise. Which is the MTV parody done at the last MTV Movie Awards with Jack Black and Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Ultimate Matrix Collection
--- From the main menu click on the arrow in the lower right hand corner of the screen to get to the secondary menu. You now see a secondary menu with a picture of Neo and some copyright info. Move the selection to the box and click on it. This brings up a picture of still matrix code. Move the cursor or hit the arrow buttons on your remote to go over this code. It highlights 7 pieces of it that, when selected, will play a 5-10 minute piece of video. The videos range from story structure, to robotics, to further philosophy, etc.

V For Vendetta
--- First input the second disk in your player. Then go to the "more" icon and press enter. Then press up, the cursor should have highlighted the shield type icon above the menue. Press enter and enjoy the Natalie Portman Rap that she did for Saturday Night Live's Digital Short.

Shrek
--- Once at the main menu go the the special features and click on it. Once at the special features, Highlight main menu. Once you are on the main menu push the up arrow on your remote. The gumdrops on the gingerbread man should then become highlighted. Select the gumdrops and fun facts about the movie will show up. Only one fact at a time shows up so in order to see all the facts you must select the gum drops several times.

Red Dwarf: Series I
--- On the main menu of Disc One of Red Dwarf Series I, select the clipboard. You will be asked to enter a password. This password is 4691 - the number of irradiated haggises on board. You'll get an animated commentary for Future Echoes, and the infamous 'Brown Dwarf' review.

Robin Williams Live on Broadway
--- From the main menu, choose Bonus Features. Highlight Resume at the bottom of the screen. Push the arrow key to the RIGHT. The "PARENTAL ADVISORY EXPLICIT LYRICS" sticker will appear and then Press Enter. You will now enjoy a quick 2:15 minute montage of every swear word Robin Williams said in his show. And if it isn't each one (it seems like it would be even longer), it's still pretty close.

Fight Club
--- Anyone who has seen Fight Club knows that Tyler Durden is a film editor that splices subliminal messages into the film before it is seen by viewers. Did you also know that while you are watching this DVD, if you pay very close attention and have your thumb ready on the ENTER button of your remote, when you see a flick across the screen, press ENTER very quickly and you will be rewarded with still shots of Brad Pitt? There are several throughout the DVD.


Extra Reading

Analytics of Zero

Whatever... Whatever... Whatever... At least it is a well thought out whatever...

Generous Analyst

This goes out to you... G-Rod

5. BONE-WIELDING MONKEY in 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
Man has come along away over the last few millennia, but we're definitely still part monkey. Back at the dawn of man, when apes roamed the Earth freely, all it took was a giant black monolith to make them realise that bones could be used for more than just picking your teeth. Take a look at the simian nature of US warlord George W. Bush as he wields the world's most deadly weapons and there's not a whole lot of difference. The primates in the opening scenes of Stanley Kubrick's epic sci-fi don't do much apart from scream, snarl and bash things, but they plant the seed for man's future destructive nature. Legend has it the movie was passed over for an honorary Make-Up Oscar because the head of the panel thought the director used real monkeys. What a dumbass.

4. JACK in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
This little imp was named after Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow and causes just as much trouble as his namesake. He's also cinema's first ever indestructible primate, affected as he was by the pirate's curse and destined to be monkey by day, skeleton by night. A mischievous little fellow, he serves Captain Barbossa in the first movie, before being captured by Jack Sparrow in the second and offered as payment to ancient crone Tia Dalma. Ignoring various animal rights organisations, Sparrow takes great pleasure in shooting his monkey in the face to relieve frustration, much to little Jack's annoyance. He doesn't know how lucky he is; how many tailors are there on the high seas who can fit a monkey for a pirate's outfit?

3. THE NAZI MONKEY in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
The last person you'd expect to double-crossed intrepid adventurer cum archaeologist Indiana Jones would be a cuddly little monkey, but this back-stabbing little fucker answers only to the Führer. A playful little Capuchin, she gains the affection of love interest Marion Ravenwood thereby getting close to Indy – the couple even refer to her as "our baby". The Nazi Monkey then shows her true colours, giving away Marion's location when she's chased by the fuzz and then saluting 'Heil Hitler' to her commanding officer once the betrayal is complete. She might only be a tiny monkey, but if it wasn't for some dodgy dates then she may well have contributed to the Ark of the Covenant falling into extremely evil hands.

2. KING LOUIE in THE JUNGLE BOOK
Well oobee-dooh, we wanna be like you-ooh-ooh. The flame-haired, self-styled King of the Swingers is like the Don Corleone of the jungle – you don't mess with a guy with his own personal monkey butlers. The Jungle V.I.P. just wants to be walk and talk like a man, and because he's a sucker for a good beat, serenades feral Amazon child Mowgli in order to learn the secret of man's red fire. King Louie's talents seem never-ending; not only is he a fine lyricist, he's a master of the finger trumpet and even excels at human beatbox (well, not human). The result is one of Disney's finest musical moments; a song that's guaranteed to get your toes tapping. As Baloo the bear says: "I am gone, man! Solid gone!"

1. KING KONG in KING KONG
There's no doubt who is the greatest movie monkey of all time – he's big, hairy and he's got his own island. Kong's been kicking it since the 30's and there's been heated debate ever since about which incarnation of the King of the jungle is the best. The original Merrian C. Cooper Kong scared audiences in 1933 (but then so did a TV showing an oncoming train) and 70's audiences were obviously terrified of Rick Baker's 'man in suit' Kong – so much so, they didn't bother showing up at the cinema at all. Peter Jackson's CGI Kong has to take the plaudits – he's terrifying in the flesh, takes on not one, not two, but three dinosaurs at once, and just like the rest of us, fancies Naomi Watts. Look, he thinks he's people! He does however die an ungraceful death in all three versions; despite what they say, it wasn't beauty that killed the beast, it was the fucking huge fall off the Empire State Building.


Extra Reading

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A

I wake up at five and can't seem to get back to sleep... Then I find this puzzle game that wont let me get back to sleep... WTF? Ok use the cursors (up, down, left, right) to move. Use the spacebar to restart the level... Get to know the spacebar!!! Here is the game... Hey its not as good as the wires game but I can't complain...


Extra Reading


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