The Biggest Douchebags Ever Elected

10) Vice President Aaron Burr
Facing trial for killing Alexander Hamilton in a duel, the former Vice President fled to the haven of crazy politicians South Carolina. Later he faced treason charges for trying to create his own country southwest of the original 13 states. Murder and treason? Dick Cheney's got nothing on Burr.


09) Rep. Mark FoleyAccused of having sexually charged IM conversations with underage senate pages, the disgraced former Florida congressman has blamed his homosexuality and molestation by a Catholic priest for his conduct. If those don't work, he'll blame tainted spinach, Terrell Owens, and El Nino.


08) Rep. Preston Brooks
Slightly peeved by some comments made by a senator, Brooks, a South Carolina congressman, entered the Senate floor and nearly beat Charles Sumner to death with a cane on May 22, 1856. Brooks resigned but was immediately reelected, proving once again that the entire state of South Carolina is bat-shit crazy.


07) Gov. Jim McGreevey
The governor of New Jersey made his unqualified gay lover the head of homeland security and then had to resign as governor when his lover threatened to sue the state for sexual harassment. McGreevey announced, "I am a gay American" in his resignation press conference. In reality, he's just an asshole.

06) Old Racist White Men "Robert Byrd and Strom Thurmond"
Proud South Carolinian (surprise, surprise) Thurmond ran for president and carried four states before being elected to the Senate for the next 130 years. Byrd got his political career started as a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but is shockingly not from South Carolina. West Virginia continually reelects the hooded statesman.


05) Mayor Vincent Cianci
The longtime mayor of Providence, Rhode Island resigned in 1984 after pleading no contest to assaulting a man with a lit cigarette, an ashtray and a fireplace log. Proving that Rhode Island is the South Carolina of the North, he was reelected in 1991 and served 11 more years before going down on federal corruption charges.


04) Mayor Marion Barry
After getting caught on tape doing crack with his girlfriend by the FBI, Barry went to prison for six months on drug charges and then got reelected mayor of Washington, D.C. Voters must have believed his defense: "Bitch set me up."


03) President Charles Logan
You're saying that Logan was never elected in real life? Whatever. Next you are going to try to tell us that Jack Bauer does not hunt down Osama bin Laden between season. Come on who else would be keeping the world safe.


02) All the Kennedys
They weren't all elected, but the whole family is pretty much a bunch of assholes. From fatal car accidents and murder to drug possession and skiing like an asshole, those drunken bastards from Massachusetts make South Carolina look like a virtuous state.


01) Mayor Philip Giordano
There are sex scandals. There are underage sex scandals. And there's the shit that the former mayor of Waterbury, Connecticut pulled. Giordano was sentenced to 37 years in prison for having sex with 9-year-old and 11-year-old girls.


Extra Reading

Santa gets mugged

Extra Reading

Some Nerdy Quotes

13) Well It looks like an ID10T Error.

12) Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

11) Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn't leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn't loan them out to strangers.

10) My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

09) A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

08) Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

07) I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

06) I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly.

05) 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

04) My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard.

03) Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

02) If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

01) There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.


Extra Reading

Dear Santa

Every Year, millions of kids around the world write letters to Santa in hopes of receiving gifts for Christmas. Unfortunately these kids are fools. Santa Clause does not exist. Like schoolchildren, many political leaders also send letters to St. Nick each Christmas. This year, the United States Post Office has waived its tampering with the mail law and here are a few of them.

Dear Santy Clause,
Thank you for making me in your own image. I do not want a gift for Christmas this year. All I want is Peace on Earth. And a Pony. Thank you for making my wife out of one of my ribs.
Sincerely,
George W. Bush.

Dear Santa Clause,
My son is 60 years old and still thinks you exist. He also confuses you with God every year at around this time. I do not have the heart to tell him it is just me in a red suit. For Christmas this year, please give me a gift certificate redeemable either at Dairy Queen or for a lobotomy. The lobotomy would be for me; the ice cream would be for my son.
Sincerely,
George H.W. Bush

Dear Dr. Christmas,
You like that? "Dr. Christmas?" I just came up with it. I've got a million of 'em! For Christmas this year, I am thinking I would like a boob job. It does not need to be anything special. Just the biggest and best you can fit me with. Actually, to hell with that. I have been naughty this year. Just gimme the implants. Sweet. Thanks, Santa!
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Dear Santa Claus,
For Christmas this year, I would like a lump of coal.
Sincerely,
Hillary Rodham

Dear Santa Claus,
I was one of those kids who was born on Christmas. Everyone always combines the celebrations just to cheat me out of getting all my presents. All I want this year is the best birthday party ever. Can you make that happen?
Sincerely,
Jesus Christ

Dear Santa Claus,
Christmas came early for me this year when Michael Richards said the N-word about 600 times in the course of four minutes. Thank you. Next time hide my gifts better. You know I like a Surprise.
Sincerely,
Rev. Al Sharpton

Dear Kris Kringle,
I want a Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Shot Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing that tells time. I need this to protect my home from quails and bandits. My mom says I'll shoot my eye out.
Sincerely,
Dick Cheney

Dear Santa Claus,
I need your help. I know that I am not in charge of the army anymore but still. I heard that Rudolf shoots lasers from his nose to protect the North Pole. Is it true?
Sincerely,
Donald H. Rumsfeld


Extra Reading

What does a kiss taste like?

The other day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blind folded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" The little boy replied, "No, I don't." To which the teacher said back, "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

Extra Reading

Goodbye...

ATTENTION!!!
Aliens are coming to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will all be safe... I am just posting this to say goodbye.


Extra Reading

I Fucking Hate This

The Fucking Disclaimer

If you are offended by the use of bad language fuck off now! Don't read all of this page and then say it annoys you. You should not underestamate the use of the word. FUCK is an international word. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say "Fuck Off". It is the atmosphere and versatility that the word creates that makes it useful. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories, making it one of the most versatile words in the English language. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Brad fucked Angelina) and intransitive (Brad and Angelina fucked). It can be an active verb (Brad fucked Angelina) or a passive verb (Angelina was fucked by Brad). Or an adverb (Angelina is a fucking bitch) and a noun (Angelina is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Angelina is fucking beautiful).

As you can see there are few words with the versatility of "fuck". Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations.

Aggression ........................ "Fuck you!!!"
Agreement ......................... "Absofuckinglutely."
Ambiguity ......................... "I'm not so fucking sure."
Apathy ............................ "Who gives a fuck."
Confusion ......................... "What the fuck....?"
Denial ............................ "I didn't fucking do it."
Despair ........................... "Fucked again."
Desperation ....................... "Fuckityfuckfuckfuck."
Diffuclty ......................... "Can not fucking understand."
Directions ........................ "Fuck off."
Disappointment .................... "That's not fucking fair."
Disbelief ......................... "Unbefuckinglievable!!!"
Disgust ........................... "Fuck me!!!"
Dismay ............................ "Oh, fuck it."
Displeasure ....................... "What the fuck is going on?"
Fraud ............................. "They fuck you at the Drive Through."
Greetings ......................... "How the fuck are you?"
Hate .............................. "You Fuck!"
headache .......................... "Go fuck yourself."
Incestuous ........................ "Motherfucker."
Incompetence ...................... "He fucks up everything."
Lost .............................. "Where the fuck are we?"
Love .............................. "Do ya Fuck on first dates?"
Maternal .......................... "Motherfucker."
Pain .............................. "Fuck ! that hurt."
Panic ............................. "Let's get the fuck out of here!"
Perplexity ........................ "I know fuck all about it."
Pissed off ........................ "Fuck the fucking fuckers!"
Pleasure .......................... "Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"
Poker hand ........................ "A Royal Fuck."
Praising the Lord ................. "Jesus Fucking Christ.">
Refusal ........................... "Oh you can fuck right off."
Relationships ..................... "Let's fuck now!"
Resignation ....................... "Oh fuck it."
Retaliation ....................... "Up your fucking ass!!!"
Sex ............................... "Let's fuck."
Surprise .......................... "Fucking hell what was that?"
Suspicion ......................... "Who the fuck are you?"
Trouble ........................... "Well, I guess I'm fucked again."

Never forget the words of these famous people.
General Custer .................... "Where did all them fucking Indians come from?
Mayor of Hiroshima ................ "What the fuck was that?"
Captain of the Titanic ............ "Where's all the fucking water coming from?"
Michelangelo ...................... "You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling?"
Einstein .......................... "Any fucker could understand that."
Sean Penn ......................... "Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck"
John Lennon ....................... "Is that a real fucking gun?"
Donald Campbell ................... "The fucking throttle is stuck."
Anne Boleyn ....................... "Heads are going to fucking roll."
Richard Nixon ..................... "Who's going to fucking know?"
Niki Lauda ........................ "I thought I could fucking smell petrol."
Mark Thatcher ..................... "What fucking map?"
Picasso ........................... "It does fucking look like her."
Christopher Columbus .............. "Where the fuck are we?"
Michael Jackson ................... "It's a fucking skin condition"
and more recently ................. "I told you I didn't fucking fuck him!"
Pythagarus ........................ "How the fuck did you work that one out?"
Walt Disney ....................... "Fuck a duck."
Joan of Arc ....................... "I don't suppose it will fucking rain."
George Bush ....................... "Fcuk! I can't spell."
Miss Marples ...................... "I haven't got a fucking clue."
Noah .............................. "Scattered showers, my fucking arse."
Donald Trump ...................... "You're fucking fired!"
Judge Judy ........................ "Shut the fuck up!"
Paris Hilton ...................... "Fuck me."
Ronald Regan to the Pope .......... "Yes it does fucking hurt."
Harold, Battle of Hastings 1066 ... "Watch him he'll have some fucker's eye out"
Bill Clinton ...................... "I should have fucked her."

The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word. If by any chance you think I've missed any, please fucking let me know. How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"? Use it frequently in your daily speech, you will be proud and it will add to your fucking prestige and stature. Why not say "FUCK YOU !" to someone today.


Extra Reading

I Spy for my little eye

--- Can you find the "C"
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

--- Can you find the "6"
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999699999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999

--- Can you find the "N"
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

--- Can you find the "|"
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]|]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[

--- Can you find the "O"
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQOQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ

--- Can you find the "O"
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000O00000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000
0000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000

--- Can you find the "Z"
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽZŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ
ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ ŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽŽ

--- Can you find the "5"
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSS5SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

--- Can you find the "i"
jljljljljljljljljljljljlj ljljljljljljljljljljljljl
ljljljljljljljljljljljljl jljljljljljljljljljljljlj
jliljljljljljljljljljljlj ljljljljljljljljljljljljl
ljljljljljljljliljljljljl jljljljljljljljljljljljlj
jljljljljljljljljljljljlj ljljljljljljljljljljljljl
ljljljljljljljljljljljljl jljljljljljljljljljljljlj
jljljljljljljljljljljljlj ljljljljljljljljljljljljl
ljljljljljljljljljljljljl jljljljljljljljljljljljlj
jljljljljljljljljljljljlj ljljljljljljljljljljljljl
ljljljljljljljljljljljljl jljljljljljljljljljljljlj
jljljljljljljljljljljljlj ljljljljljljljljljljljljl

--- Can you find the "Z"
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
22222Z2222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222
2222222222222222222222222 2222222222222222222222222

--- Can you find the "3"
8989898989898989898989898 9898989898989898989898989
9898989898989898989898989 8989898989898989898989898
8989898989398989898989898 9898989898989898989898989
9898989898989898989898989 8989898989898989898989898
8989898989898989898989898 9898989898989898989898989
9898989898989898989898989 8989898989898989898989898
8989898989898989898989898 9898989898989898989898989
9898989898989898989898989 8989898989898989898989898
8989898989898989898989898 9898989898989898989898989
9898989898989898989898989 8989898989898989898989898
8989898989898989898989898 9898989898989898989898989

--- Can you find the "1"
LILILILILILILILILILILILIL ILILILILILILILILILILILILI
ILILILILILILILILILILILILI LILILILILILILILILILILILIL
LILILILIL1ILILIILILILILIL ILILILILILILILILILILILILI
ILILILILILILILILILILILILI LILILILILILILILILILILILIL
LILILILILILILILILILILILIL ILILILILILILILILILILILILI
ILILILILILILILILILILILILI LILILILILILILILILILILILIL
LILILILILILILILILILILILIL ILILILILILILILILILILILILI
ILILILILILILILILILILILILI LILILILILILILILILILILILIL
LILILILILILILILILILILILIL ILILILILILILILILILILILILI
ILILILILILILILILILILILILI LILILILILILILILILILILILIL
LILILILILILILILILILILILIL ILILILILILILILILILILILILI

--- Can you find the "v"
xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw
wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx
xwxwxwxwxwxwvwxwxwxwxwxwx wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw
wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx
xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw
wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx
xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw
wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx
xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw
wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx
xwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwx wxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxwxw

--- Can you find the "1"
lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI
IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl
lIlIlI1IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI
lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI
IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl
lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI
IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl
lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI
IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl
lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI
IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI lIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl

--- Can you find the...
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWVWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

--- Can you find the...
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


Extra Reading

Game 002: 3D Tetris

Every year around this time I spend a ridiculous amount of time on Tetris. MY highest score on Tetris on the Game Boy is something like 116,000 points that's right... For anyone who knows Game Boy Tetris that is insane... That is past level Ten. I think when you break 100,000 points that is when you get the funny dance. I remember at that point I am looking around at my surroundings watching everything spin around and around. Oh well... This is not Game Boy Tetris but what can I say. It is still really cool.
If you do not know what I am talking about... Well thats why there is an 'Extra Reading' Section. For those of you who have not seen that section before... "for shame!" Thats where all the fun stuff happens.


Extra Reading

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

01) Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

02) Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

03) Dementia ---I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

04) Narcissistic ---Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

05) Manic ---Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....

06) Paranoid ---Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

07) Borderline Personality Disorder ---Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

08) Personality Disorder ---You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm GonnaPout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

09) Attention Deficit Disorder ---Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.


Extra Reading

Evolution of Dance

Extra Reading

Top Five Animal Geeks

I found this list from C/Net... This was edited for easier reading and to add another animal.


05) Laika The cosmonaut Dog
--- Was shot into space
Laika was found as a straw wandering the streets of Moscow. She was launched into space in Sputnik 3 on November 3, 1957. Laika died a few hours after launch from stress and overheating, likely due to a malfunction in the thermal control system. The true cause of her death was not made public until decades after the flight. Although Laika did not survive the trip, the experiment proved that a living passenger could survive being launched into orbit. It paved the way for human space flight and provided scientists with some of the first data on how living organisms react to space flight environments.

04) Dolly The Sheep
--- Lost her Individuality
Dolly, the first successfully cloned mammal, is now deceased and her lovingly stuffed carcass can be viewed at the Royal Museum in Edinburgh. She was cloned from a cell in 1996 and was genetically identical to her 'mother'. Scientists have speculated that Dolly's premature death may have been a result of her source genetic material coming from a six-year-old ewe. This may have meant that Dolly was genetically already six years old when born. Dolly achieved significant celebrity, but never appeared in any major television shows or a motion picture. She is, however, the geekiest sheep in all of history.

03) Schrödinger's Cat
--- Feline Paradox
Schrödinger's cat is a hypothetical animal used to demonstrate a 'quantum superposition' where 'dead' and 'alive' states coexist. It's enough to blow your mind, so skip onwards if your office party was yesterday. If a cat was put in a box with a poison that could be released at a completely random time by the decay of a radioactive isotope, the cat could be either alive or dead at the same time from the point of view of anyone outside the box. This describes quantum superposition and decoherance. One qualified physics expert described it as something along the lines of: "If a tree were to fall in the woods and no one was there to hear it, would it make a noise?"

02) Pavlov's Dog
--- Dribbling Pioneer
Ivan Pavlov used many dogs in his famous experiments, but only one remains morbidly preserved in the Pavlov Museum. The Russian scientist discovered a phenomena known as 'classical conditioning'. Using dogs as his test subjects, Pavlov monitored the amount of saliva an animal produces when exposed to food under different circumstances. He soon discovered that the dogs would salivate in anticipation of food if other stimuli (such as the ringing of a bell) previously associated with food were present. Pavlov could effectively make his dog salivate by ringing a bell even if there was no food to eat -- a heartlessly cruel but fascinating achievement.

01) Ham the Astrochimp
--- First Chimp in Space
Other than sitting calmly in his biopack, Ham's only task on his Project Mercury space mission was to push a lever when he saw a flashing blue light. Although he performed the task flawlessly, scientists had rigged an incentive in the form of electrodes on Ham's feet. These would send a persuasive shock to the chimpanzee should he dawdle. Luckily for Ham, his little arm reached out tentatively and pulled the lever soon after his capsule entered space, on 31 January 1961. Ham splashed down in the ocean and went on to live until the grand old age of 27. He spent most of his remaining time on earth as a celebrity, appearing on television and in a film with Evel Knievel.


Extra Reading

Two Months Later

Wow where has the time gone... Well I guess I should apologize for not being around in a while. What can I say... I guess I have been too busy trying to have my birthday today. Don't ask. Well I hope everyone continues to log on. I have a lot of stuff that I want everyone to read. I am sure that everyone has been wondering where I have been all of this time. What can I say; I have been working like crazy. I have been doing 50-hour weeks at the bank. I wish I could show you guys some of the things that I have been doing at the bank but what can I say it is all confidential so I can not talk about them. Ok that is all I have to say. Have a happy day!


Extra Reading

How to order McD's

ORDERING
01. If you ask for a moment to decide, do not ask them "are you ready" you needed more time - not them!
02. If they have temporarily run out of an item on the menu or if something is out of order, do not cry about it and make stupid comments about how "this never happens at Burger King!" either order something else or take a pill of shut the hell up!
03. If you do not speak English well or you talk like you got shit in your mouth, bring an interpreter... if not do not get upset when your order gets messed up. If you talked normally then your order would not get screwed up. And do not scream at them if they ask you to repeat your order... We're talking about cheeseburgers, not missiles... so calm down!
04. Do not confuse franchises! They do not 'biggie size,' they do not have onion rings or nachos, and no... You may not "have it your way."
05. They know the menu and they know the ordering process. They fucking know what PLAIN means... do not feel the need to include that means "meat and cheese only!" Ice cream cones only come in one size and if you do not see tomatoes on the sandwich in the picture do not fucking ask to have them taken them off. The Big Mac has been around for ages... It does not have tomatoes... and if by chance the order that you asked for came with pickles and you did not want any... just pick them off because that is all they are going to do when you bring it back to them to "fix it".
06. Do not go into the lobby two minutes before they close. Chances are they have already cleaned, and it will only cause them to do unspeakable things to your (already stale) food.
07. Do not act offended when they check your bills to see if they are counterfeit. Everywhere else you bring it, they're going to do the same thing. At the same time don't try to be funny and say, "I just made it" because you will be the 8,454,290,648th customer to say that.
08. What's the point of "easy ice"? Their ABS machine does not even have that setting. Either order no ice or take what you get.
09. Please do not order a combo and then when they ask what kind of drink you want tell them you do not want one. That defeats the whole purpose of ordering a fucking combo idiot!
10. Please learn what time breakfast ends and lunch starts. They do not serve burritos all day. It is not Jack-In-The-Box.
11. If you're a senior citizen, do not think you can drive past the speaker and say you forget to order... go back around like everyone else! You already get discounts... what more special favors do you expect?
12. Do not order free water and then sit in front my window and ask what the hold up is... you are not paying for it anyway...

PAYMENT
13. When paying keep your sweaty, wrinkly bills to yourself, along with your sticky change. And do not roll your eyes if you just paid eight dollars and forty-three cents in change and the cashier is counting to verify. It is not your register and you do not have to account for any missing money. Do not start handing over change after the cashier has already totaled your order, opened their register and started counting your change. Its not their fault you were too slow... Just take what you were given!
14. If they are busy taking an order, do not put your money on the ledge and not expect them to do the same thing with your change. Actually, If you let go of your money before they grab it, or you drop it while they are handing it to you. do not look at them like you really expect them to get it for you.
15. If your card is declined... do not ask why and assume it is their fault. Put some damn money in the bank cheap ass. And while we are talking about a bank do not ask them if they do cash back, it is not a bank.
DRIVE THROUGH
16. If you have a "turbo diesel" truck or an abnormally loud vehicle... how about turning off the engine genius? Actually, do not order if you are the passenger of the car or in the backseat and you know that you do not talk very loud... do not try to order for everyone in the car... The only person ordering should be the driver not your illegitimating children that just happen not to be in car seats. If you come through drive thru after your mid life crisis in your new sports car... and try to impress them with your 1987 pick up lines. For the LOVE OF GOD, if you know you should... then cover your damn self up! Just because it is drive-thru it does not mean you should not dress decent still.
17. When you pull to the window and hear/see me taking another order. Do not start talking to them about your order.
18. Listen when they say "your receipt will be at the next window" do not sit there and stare at them after they close the window. After you pay, proceed to the next window if no one is in front of you... Your business there is over.
19. Do realize that they can hear everything you say from the moment you pull up to the speaker till you drive off. So if you're talking shit, do not act so surprised when they are not exactly friendly when you get to the window.
20. Do not come through drive thru and then tell the manager at the 2nd window that they were rushing you. Drive thru is SUPPOSED to be fast.
21. DONT TALK SHIT as you are leaving the first window. They still have another window they can catch you at and they will.
22. If you are about 10 feet from the window when you are at the speaker... Do not ask them what your total is when they told you once AND it was on the screen.
23. If you see them having a conversation for a few seconds with the car in front of you... do not be an asshole and honk your horn... you will get your food soon enough, chances are it is not even bagged yet.

OTHER
24. If a McDonald's employee is on their break and eating in the lobby, do not ask them to fetch you BBQ sauce. Just because they are still in uniform it does not mean they are on the clock.
25. Do not ask if your sauce is in the bag if you never asked for it in the first place.
26. When they hand you your food and say "have a nice day!" you better respond with a smile, a "thanks, you too" or at least acknowledge their existence... its called being polite people...
28. CLEAN UP YOUR MESS. Those trashcans are conveniently located next to the exits for a reason.
29. Does this look like toys-r-us? Who cares if your kid's got 10 of the same toy already? That is because you do not feed them at home enough.


Extra Reading

You've Got Crap

An incredible video from CNBC shows an AOL customer trying to cancel his account, but a phone rep won't let him do it. What customer Vincent Ferrari got when he tried to cancel his account was a lot of frustration.

It took him 15 minutes waiting on the phone just to reach a real, live person.

And, what happened next was recorded by Ferrari on audio and lasted about four minutes:

CLOCK READOUT - 00:00

AOL REPRESENTATIVE: Hi this is John at AOL... how may I help you today?

VINCENT FERRARI: I wanted to cancel my account.

AOL: Sorry to hear that. Let's pull your account up here real quick. Can I have your name please?

VINCENT: Vincent Ferrari.

CLOCK READOUT - 00:30

AOL: You've had this account for a long time.

VINCENT: Yup.

AOL: Use this quite a bit. What was the cause of wanting to turn this off today?

VINCENT: I just don't use it anymore.

AOL: Do you have a high speed connection, like the DSL or cable?

VINCENT: Yup.

AOL: How long have you had that...

VINCENT: Years...

AOL: ...the high speed?

VINCENT: ...years.

AOL: Well, actually I'm showing a lot of usage on this account.

VINCENT: Yeah, a long time, a long time ago, not recently...

CLOCK READOUT - 01:47

AOL: Okay, I mean is there a problem with the software itself?

VINCENT: No. I just don't use it, I don't need it, I don't want it. I just don't need it anymore.

AOL: Okay. So when you use this... I mean, use the computer, I'm saying, is that for business or for... for school?

VINCENT: Dude, what difference does it make. I don't want the AOL account anymore. Can we please cancel it?

CLOCK READOUT - 02:21

AOL: Last year was 545, last month was 545 hours of usage...

VINCENT: I don't know how to make this any clearer, so I'm just gonna say it one last time. Cancel the account.

AOL: Well explain to me what's, why...

VINCENT: I'm not explaining anything to you. Cancel the account.

AOL: Well, what's the matter man? We're just, I'm just trying to help here.

VINCENT: You're not helping me. You're helping me...

AOL: I am trying to help.

VINCENT: Helping... listen, I called to cancel the account. Helping me would be canceling the account. Please help me and cancel the account.

AOL: No, it wouldn't actually...

VINCENT: Cancel my account...

AOL: Turning off your account...

VINCENT: ...cancel the account...

AOL: ...would be the worst thing that...

VINCENT: ...cancel the account.

CLOCK READOUT - 03:02

AOL: Okay, cause I'm just trying to figure out...

VINCENT: Cancel the account. I don't know how to make this any clearer for you. Cancel the account. When I say cancel the account, I don't mean help me figure out how to keep it, I mean cancel the account.

AOL: Well, I'm sorry, I don't know what anybody's done to you Vincent because all I'm...

VINCENT: Will you please cancel the account.

CLOCK READOUT - 03:32

AOL: Alright, some day when you calmed down you're gonna realize that all I was trying to do was help you... and it was actually in your best interest to listen to me.

VINCENT: Wonderful, Okay.

CLOCK READOUT - 03:39

"I've never ever experienced anything like that," Ferrari told CNBC.

He recounts how the AOL representative - as a last resort even asked if his dad was home.

"I think I could've put up with everything, but at the point when he asked to speak to my father, I came very close to losing it at that point," said the 30-year-old Ferrari.

Ferrari then posted the call online, and the response was tremendous.

AOL sent him an apology and said the customer service rep was no longer with the company.


Extra Reading

Suck it Riker!

Jean-Luc Picard 75% Will Riker 70% James T. Kirk (Captain) 65% Geordi LaForge 65% Chekov 60% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 60% Spock 57% Data 47% Uhura 45% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 45% Deanna Troi 45% Worf 40% Mr. Sulu 40% Beverly Crusher 35% Mr. Scott 30%

A lover of Shakespeare and other fine literature. You have a decisive mind and a firm hand in dealing with others.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test


Extra Reading

10 Animal Senses You wish you had

You might think you're smart, but none of your senses rival the keenest abilities in the animal world. Animals see in the dark, sniff prey miles away, and detect electrical output from muscle twitches in hidden meals. Read on, so you don't become one of those meals.

10) Bats
Bats avoid obstacles and nab insects on the wing by emitting ultrasonic squeaks and interpreting the echo the sound waves make after bouncing off objects in the environment. This biological sonar, called "echolocation," is also used by dolphins to navigate murky waters.

09) Sharks
Never play hide-and-seek with a shark because you'll lose. Sharks have special cells in their brains that are sensitive to the electrical fields other creatures generate. This ability is so refined in some sharks that they can find fish hiding under sand by the weak electric signals their twitching muscles emit.

08) Snakes
Temperature-sensitive organs located between the eyes and nostrils of boas and pit vipers allow the snakes to sense the body heat of their prey. There is one located on each side of the snakes' head, so the animals can perceive depth and strike with deadly accuracy even in complete darkness.

07) Hummingbirds
The eyes of insects and birds are attuned to wavelengths of light outside the visible range that humans see in. Birds that appear drab to us are often radiant in colors we don't even have names for when seen in near-ultraviolet light. Telescopes like Hubble make ultraviolet images, which are colorized by technicians so we can enjoy them.

06) Cats
Cats have a mirror-like membrane in the backs of their eyes that lets them hunt and move in almost complete darkness. Called a "tapetum lucidum," the membrane reflects light after it has already traveled through the retina, giving the eyes another chance to nab the photons as they make their second trip.

05) Snakes
A snake flicking its forked tongue might look ominous to us, but it's just the animal sniffing its surroundings. A snakes use its tongues to collect particles wafting in the air. The coated tongue is then dipped into special pits in the roofs of the snake's mouth, called Jacobson's organs. There, the odors get processed and translated into electrical signals that are sent to the brain.

04) Moths
For moths, the term "love is in the air" is something to be taken literally. The furry insects can detect chemical love signals, called "pheromones," emitted by the opposite sex from up to seven-miles away. Some studies show humans also detect pheromones, but the effect seems to require close encounters.

03) Rats
Most rats have poor vision, but they make up for it with the "whiskers on their snouts. They use the long hairs, also called "vibrissae," in the same way that blind people use canes. By whisking the hairs across objects the come across, rats and other rodents form mental pictures of their surroundings.

02) Drum Fish
Some fish like this drum fish "hear" using their air bladders. The bladders detect sound vibrations and relay them to the inner ear via a set of bones in the middle ear called the "Weberian apparatus." Hair cells in the inner ear respond to the vibrations and transmit the sound information to the fish's brain.

01) Migratory Birds
Many birds, especially those that migrate, can use the "Earth's magnetic field to stay their course during long flights. Scientists still aren't sure how they do it, but one recent study suggests birds might have a form of synesthesia that lets them "see" the planet's magnetic lines as patterns of color or light that is overlaid on their visual surroundings. Humans must rely on familiar landmarks or the sun's position to locate North, and many can't even manage that.


Extra Reading

Game 001: Paths

I hope you get some sleep. God knows I did not ... I used up 25 lives and did not make it past level 4. Hey. If you do not know what I am talking about... Well thats why there is an 'Extra Reading' Section. For those of you who have not seen that section before... "for shame!" Thats where all the fun stuff happens.


Extra Reading

If I had said that I would have been wrong.

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S famous quote "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" has become one of the best- known in history. For nearly four decades, it was claimed the first man on the moon FLUFFED his lines — because man and mankind mean the same thing. Armstrong was supposed to say: "That's one small step for a man..." But yesterday the space pioneer was cleared — thanks to new analysis of the historic 1969 recording. The findings show there is an acoustic wave where the "a" was meant to be — and it was simply not audible over the broadcast static.

Let us look back at some of the other famous phrases misquoted over the centuries.

"Not a lot of people know that" — Michael Caine. The actor never uttered that well-used catchphrase. The actual quote in the film Alfie was "Not many people know this."

"Elementary, my dear Watson" — Sherlock Holmes. Author Arthur Conan Doyle never wrote these words for his pipe-smoking detective. The quote actually appeared in a film review in the New York Times in 1929.

"Play it again, Sam" — Humphrey Bogart. In 1942 movie Casablanca, Bogart in fact says "If she can stand it, I can. Play it!" while actress Ingrid Bergman says "Play it, Sam. Play As Time Goes By."

"Let them eat cake" — Marie Antoinette. She actually said: "Let them eat bread."

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" — William Congreve. This is a shortened version of the playwright's: "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned"

"You dirty rat" — James Cagney. Anyone impersonating the Hollywood legend uses this phrase, even though it was never uttered by Cagney in any movie.

"Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well." — Hamlet. William Shakespeare's line actually reads: "Alas poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."

"Me Tarzan, you Jane" — Tarzan. This phrase does not appear in any Tarzan film, nor in the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs.

"Spare the rod, spoil the child" — The Bible. The correct quote from Proverbs 13:24 is: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

"Religion is the opiate of the masses" — Karl Marx. The communist philosopher's full quote was: "Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people."

"Do you feel lucky, punk?" — Clint Eastwood. As Harry Callahan in Dirty Harry. Clint's full line was: "I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' . . . But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

"Beam me up, Scotty" — Captain Kirk. The closest Star Trek's captain came to using this phrase was "Beam us up, Mr Scott."


Extra Reading

Not Now...

fuck all that we got to get on with these
got to compete with the wily japanese
there's too many home fires burning
and not enough trees
so fuck all that
we've got to get on with these

cant stop. lose job. mind gone. silicon
what bomb. get away. pay day. make hay
break down. need fix. bix six
clickity click. hold on. oh no brrrrrring bingo!

make em laugh make em cry make em dance in the aisles
make em pay make em stay make em feel ok

not now
we've got to get on with the film show
hollywood waits at the end of the rainbow
who cares what it's about
as long as the kids go
not now
got to get on with the show

hang on
we've got to get on with this
i don't know what it is
but it fits on here like.....
come at the end of the shift
we'll go and get pissed
but not now
i've got to get on with this

hold on
i think there's something good on
i used to read books but.....
it could be the news
or some other abuse
or it could be reusable shows

fuck all that we've got to get on with these
got to compete with those wily japanese
no need to worry about the vietnamese
maybe the swedes
we showed argentina
now let's go and show these
make us feel tough
and wouldn't maggie be pleased
got to bring the russian bear to his knees

s'cusi dove il bar
se para collo pou eine toe bar
s'il vous plait ou est le bar
oi' where's the fucking bar john!


Extra Reading

40 Things You'd Like to Say Out Loud at Work

01. "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
02. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
03. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
04. "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
05. "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
06. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
07. "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
08. "I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
09. "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
10. "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
11. "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
12. "You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
13. "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
14. "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
15. "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
16. "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
17. "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
18. "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
19. "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
20. "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
21. "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
22. "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
23. "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
24. "Do I look like a people person?"
25. "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent light ing."
26. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
27. "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
28. "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
29. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
30. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
31. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
32. "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
33. "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
34. "Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
35. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
36. "Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."
37. "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
38. "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary."
39. "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
40. "Oh I get it... like humour... but different!!!"

ROFLOLizzin

Definitley Picard...


Extra Reading

I Know Some one Famous!!!

So the other day I was watching Buffy and I couldn't believe it. I know some one there.  It was the coolest thing ever.  Take a look...


Azura Skye


C_Minus

Can you belive it... I know cool people.  Who wants to touch me. I said, "WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME!!!"


Extra Reading

Computers for Dummies

For todays blog I would like to teach everyone something about computers. I figure everyone uses computers but very few people actually know how they work. I like computers because that is where all my friends live.


A. When you press the power button on your computer a surge of power powers it all up. There is something called a power supply that controls the electricity as it enters your computer. The power supply creates a constant stream of electricity that is not possible by just plugging the hardware directly into the wall.


B. The first thing that loads on the computer is called the BIOS or Basic input/output system. BIOS runs a process called Power-On Self-Test. BIOS verifies RAM (Random Access Memory), PCI Cards, CPU and the like. If BIOS finds any error during startup it will notify the user by a series of beeps.


C. Basically what BIOS does is it turns a pile of electronic chips and tells them all that they are part of a computer. On many machines the BIOS will display text describing a variety of data that includes but is not limited to: the amount of memory installed, the type of hard disk and the clock speed of the CPU.


D. The CPU is sort of like the brain of the computer. All the calculations that need to be performed by the computer are done by the CPU. The speed or power is measured in clock cycles per second or hertz. The higher the hertz the faster and thus the better the CPU. Current processors can run as fast as 1.8 GHz. The G is for 'Giga' or Billion.


E. At this point your Operating system is loaded from the hard drive to the RAM. The hard drive is basically is data storage center. It stores things in bytes the more bytes the more information. Current hard drives can store as much as 300 Gigabytes. The same prefix system applies. 'Mega' = Millions and 'Giga' = Billions.


F. RAM stands for Random Access Memory. All RAM does is it acts as a temporary storage location for information. The hard disk cannot retrieve information fast enough for the CPU so it temporally stores it all in RAM. The RAM is different than the hard disk in that it is volatile. That means that all the info is lost when power is shut down.


G. Once the operating system is loaded the only thing that you see is the GUI or Graphical User Interface. That is just a point and click program that allows the user to control the computer. GUI is pronounced 'gooey.' There is such a thing as text user interface but it is less intuitive than the GUI.


H. The OS also establishes protocols for device management. What that means is that it allows control for all input and output devices. It will do this through a variety of ways. Now days it does this using USB (Uniform Serial Bus), which is great because with USB the connections are faster, and you can connect up to 127 devices to your computer.


I. Input devices are things that allow you to send information into the computer. The Keyboard, mouse and scanner are all input devices. So they take information and instructions from the user that the computer then interprets. When the computer is done doing it's thing it gives of information.


J. The Keyboard is an input device whose design was based on the original mechanical typewriters. The used to be connected by USB but now they seem to come in wireless form. The keyboard that is used now is called a Qwerty keyboard named after the six keys on the top left of the keyboard.


K. Mouse is another type of input device that allows the user to point and click on anything on GUI. The ball type mouse has little wheels that measure the movement of the ball along two axis. As appose to the optical mouse it takes multiple pictures of the surface that it rests on that it compares to measure movement.


L. The computer gives of information in the form of output devices. These include printers and monitors. The user selects something and then the computer outputs your file in some way. This can include printing out your text document. To remember the I/O difference; one must remember; if it is going into the computer then it is input.


M. There are many parts inside the computer that interact to proved the user with a complete computing experience. The problem is that with so many parts manufactures and so many software manufactures it is easy to understand why a computer can crash all the time. So just be patient and be happy that it works to begin with.


N. Inside the box that is called your computer is the motherboard. This is the nerve center of the computer. All devices plug into the motherboard to create on cohesive device. They connect through a protocol called PCI or Peripheral Control Interface. The new version is called PCI Express.


O. Sound Card. This is the device that creates sounds inside the computer. All your CD-ROM drives are plugged into the sound card. This device has input and output sounds under control of a computer program. With current cards being capable of outputting 5.1 surround sound one can enjoy a plethora of games.


P. Video Card. This just creates graphics and images that are generated onto the display in front of the user. The better the video card the better picture quality. Images on the monitor are created using pixels that the video card controls. The GPU (Graphics Processing Unit) also controls the refresh rate that is also measured in Hertz.


Q. Removable Storage. These allow you to add more information to your computer very easily. They come in a variety of forms and shapes. They are either Read-Only or write able. Storage is measured by how much information can be stored. An old fashioned Floppy disk can store 1.44 Megabytes.


R. CD-R and DVD-R's hold a large amount of data. A CD-R can hold as much as 650MB and DVD-R can hold as much as 4.5GB of data. Reference the storage capacity of hard drives above to get a perceptive on the matter. All data is stored in binary form. That means ones and zeros in ASCII (American Standard Code for Information Interchange) form.


S. The monitor is the TV thing that the user looks at. They come in CRT (Cathode Ray Tube) and LCD (Liquid Crystal Display). CRTs are the ones that look like a TV, as appose to the LCD are the thin ones just like a laptop screen. The refresh rate measures how fast the monitor repaints the image. The faster refresh rate, the crisper the image.


T. Network Interface Card. This device allows the computer to communicate with other computers. People used to use modems for that so they would communicate with other computers but soon they realized that the bandwidth was to slow. So now with NIC's people can access the Internet and their porn a lot faster.

There is so many more things that I can talk about but the night is getting late and alas I should go to bed so I can go to work tomorrow. I hope everyone enjoyed this post. Actually I hope that someone actually read it... I know it can be very boring. This computer lesson brought to you by the number 01001001 00100111 01100100 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 01101100 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100001 01110101 01110100 01111001 00001101 00001010 01001100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01100111 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101000 01100101 01100001 01110100 00001101 00001010 01000001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01100100 00100000 01100011 01101100 01100001 01110111 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101000 01100101 01100001 01110010 01110100 00001101 00001010 01000001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01100100 00100000 01110100 01100101 01100001 01110010 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100101 01100101 01110100 00001101 00001010 01001001 00100111 01100100 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100101 01100001 01110011 01100101 00101100 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100101 01100001 01110011 01100101 00001101 00001010 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101110


Extra Reading

Behind Blue Eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I doAnd I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes


Extra Reading

Retail: Doing Returns

How much will someone fight to get the correct price on something? At what point do you say, I think I can live with that price. At what point do you say, Hey maybe I am not eligible for that discount?

A couple of scenarios... I take in a custom framing order for a diploma from a very attractive and obviously successful girl. She likes what I have designed and is agreeable to the 40% off discount that the store is running. Then, after I have printed out the order and finalized everything, her mom comes in and says that she has a 50% off coupon that has expired. Now the reason why she could not have used the coupon while the promotion was running was because she was on a cruise in Europe. EUROPE. Surprisingly I was rather nice to this woman and her ugly daughter. Yeah thats right, she because ugly as soon as she became greedy. The manger gave her the extra 10% which ended up being a ten to fifteen dollar difference. So the question still stands. Why does the fact that you were on vacation an excuse for not being eligible for the discount?

Another scenario... a woman buys 200 packages beads and other craft items at $0.59 each. The grand total for the purchases is $118.00. Once she is fully wrung up and pays for everything she remembers that she has a tax exception form. Now the way the registers work, and for audit purposes, one can not just void a cash transaction. The person at the customer service desk must do a complete return of each item. Scanning 200 pieces the first time was bad because the customer service clerk had to manually adjust the price of the receipt. When someone does a return they have to manually adjust the price of each individual item. Once everything was returned and then repurchased, which took well over an hour and a half the woman saved $9.27.

Let us think about this in a mathematical sense. I believe the average Joanns worker earns somewhere in the vicinity of $8.00/hour. If you figure that EVERYONE in the whole tax paying world gets paid more than that the numbers become easier. Someone who earns $50,000.00 and only works forty hour work weeks for fifty-two weeks earns $24.00/hour. So it would stand to reason that if you do make 50k you would consider that your time IS worth $24.00/hour. Now let us say that I make $10.00/hour at Joanns. So if am doing something such us washing my dress shirts and dress pants I would think about that financially. One must ignore the fact that I would not be wearing dress shirts at Joanns because it is not that kind of place. If washing three loads of laundry, which includes washing, drying, and ironing takes approximately 3.1/2 hours I can put a monetary value to that. That means that financially the act of washing my shirts is worth $35.00. So if I can pay someone to do that for me and it costs me less than $35.00 I would say it is a financially astute transaction.

So that is what gets me about the whole return I was talking about was that according to my time/payment argument the lady is only worth $6.18/hour. Is it just me or is it the principle of the matter. Why is it that when someone really want their money back they forget that the argument is not worth the price? Or maybe next time she should just mention all her discounts before the matter.


Extra Reading

In The Words of Larry, The Big Kahuna

You are here for cosmetic purposes. You are here to represent research. The brains of the company. Even though you do not have very much experience you are representing the company. Still, that does not matter. You as a person do not really matter. It's what you represent. When you think about it. At work... you do not really see people. You see functions. That is the nature of work. If you look at it in the stand point of why we are working... "What" we are is more important than "who" we are. Yes that seems a little impersonal. But of course it's impersonal. Why do you think your office building looks the way it does. Is there anything about that place that smacks of personality.

So your boss. They are an idiot! That is a moron... I would not trust that person to wax my car. I have met them. I have gotten an earful of him. I can tell you for a fact that your boss is full of shit. Granted you work for them so maybe you don't see it. But maybe you just don't know what to look for. Or maybe you might have different standards.

There are people in this world who look very official while they are doing what they are doing. Do you know why? It is because they do not know what they are doing. Because if you know what you are doing, you do not have to look like you know what you are doing. It comes naturally. So now do you know how you can tell the difference? The way you tell is... A little voice pops up in the back of your mind thats says that this guy, or she, who is sitting before you is lying through their teeth or telling you stories. Now once you get that little piece of information what do you do... Here is what I would do. I would say, Buddy... I have heard a lot of horse shit in my time because god knows I am salesman and we all have to wade our way through our share of the snow to get to the cabin... but you take the cake. I don't believe that you have the first idea what you are talking about. Your children admire you, I'm sure. As we all hope they do. And maybe your wife doesn't know... but I know. And my knowledge forces me to call you on the fact that you are a god-damn cock-sucking lier from the word... Go! Then I would sit down and finish my soup.

And I have done this.

That is why there is hope. Because of people like me... who listen. So what happened? Well what do you think happened? What would you expect to happen? The guy got angry. They guy got furious. He just sat there through the rest of the meal just fuming not saying a word. Of course I lost the account. You can not speak to a man like that and expect to keep the account. And if you do. If you say that to a man and he puts down his fork and he says, You are absolutely right. I have been faking like I know what I am talking about from the moment I sat down and I am sorry. Not to you because I don't owe you anything. But to myself, because I want to be the best human being I can possibly be. And I want to be honest above all else. Well then you forget about the account. You forget about everything. You shave your head. Put on a saffron robe and sell pictures of this guy at the airport because he has no fear and he has just proofed it. This guy deserves to be worshiped. Do yourself a favor... Do not ever become one of those people. I do not want to confront you at lunch one day like I did that other guy. But I will. For your own good and because I like you.


Extra Reading

It's Official: I Have No Life

"Supposedly if you've seen over 70, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen."

(X)Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_)Grease
(X)Pirates of the Caribbean
(_)Boondock Saints
(_)The Mexican
(X) Fight Club
(X)Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(_) Airplane
(X) The Princess Bride
(X) Young Frankenstien
(_) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
(_) Saw
(_) Saw II
(_) White Noise
(_) White Oleander
(X) Anger Management
(X) 50 First Dates
(_) Jason X
(X) Scream
(_) Scream 2
(_) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
(_) Scary Movie 2
(_) Scary Movie 3
(X) American Pie
(X) American pie 2
(X) American Wedding
(X) Harry Potter
(X) Harry Potter 2
(_) Harry Potter 3
(X) Harry Potter 4
(X) Resident Evil 1
(X) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
(X) Little Black Book
(_) The Village
(_) Donnie Darko
(X) Lilo & Stitch
(X) Finding Nemo
(_) Finding Neverland
(X) Ghost
(X) Signs
(_) The Grinch
(_) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(_) White Chicks
(X) Butterfly Effect
(X) Thirteen Going on 30
(X) I, Robot
(_) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(X) Universal Soldier
(_) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(_) Along Came Polly
(X) Deep Impact
(X) KingPin
(_) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
(_) Eight Crazy Nights
(_) A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal
(_) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(_) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
(_) Dumb & Dumberer
(_) Final Destination
(_) Final Destination 2
(_) Halloween
(_) The Ring
(_) The Ring 2
(X) Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle
(_) Practical Magic
(X) Chicago
(_) Ghost Ship
(X) From Hell
(X) Hellboy
(_) Secret Window
(X) I Am Sam
(X) The Whole Nine Yards
(X) The whole ten yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(_) Child's Play
(_) Bride of Chucky
(_) Seed of Chucky
(X) 10 things I hate about you
(_) Just Married
(_) Gothika
(_) Nightmare on Elm Street
(_) Sixteen Candles
(X) Coach Carter
(X) Bad Boys
(X) Bad Boys 2
(_) Joy Ride
(X) Seven
(X) Ocean's Eleven
(X) Ocean's Twelve
(_) Identity
(_) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(X) Predator
(X) Predator II
(X) Independence Day
(_) Cujo
(_) A Bronx Tale
(_) Darkness Falls
(_) Christine
(X) ET
(_) Children of the Corn
(_) My Boss' daughter
(_) Maid in Manhattan
(_) Frailty
(_) Best Bet
(_) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(X) She's All That
(_) Calendar Girls
(X) Sideways
(X) Mars Attacks
(X) Event Horizon
(_) Ever After
(X) Forrest Gump
(_) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) X-Men
(X) X-2
(_) Jeepers Creepers
(_) Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
(_) The Others
(_) Freaky Friday Original
(_) Freaky Friday Remake
(X) Reign of Fire
(X) Cruel Intentions
(_) The Hot Chick
(X) Swimfan
(_) Oracle
(X) Old School
(_) Ray
(X) The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(X) A Walk to Remember
(_) Boogeyman
(X) Hitch
(X) The Fifth Element
(X) Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Episode II: Attack of The Clones
(X) Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of The Sith
(X) Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Episode VI: Return of The Jedi
(_) Troop Beverly Hills
(_) Swimming with Sharks
(X) Air Force 1
(X) For Richer or Poorer
(X) Trainspotting
(_) People Under the Stairs
(_) Blue Velvet
(X) Sound of Music
(_) Parent Trap
(X)The Terminator
(X) The terminator 2
(X) Terminator 3
(X) Empire Records
(_) SLC Punk
(_) Meet Joe Black
(X) Nightmare Before Christmas
(X) The Silence of the Lambs
(X) Sleepy Hollow
(X) The Godfather
(_) The Godfather 2
(_) The Godfather 3
(X) Goodfellas
(X) Pulp Fiction
(X) Jackie Brown
(X) Kill Bill: Vol. 1
(X) Kill Bill: Vol. 2
(X) Reservoir Dogs
(_) Scarface
(X) Full Metal Jacket
(_) Taxi Driver
(_) Master and Commander : The Far Side Of the World
(X) Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory
(X) Charlie And The Chocolate Factory
(_) Crash
(_) The Breakfast Club
(_) Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
(_) The Good Girl

83 hahaha I guess I have no life Oh Well


Extra Reading

Now This Is What I Call Commitment

MARTINSBURG A Martinsburg man charged with felony child abuse Wednesday allegedly stapled his 16-year-old daughters ear and leg because she refused to give him her MySpace.com account password, according to court documents obtained by The Journal Thursday.

The name of the36-year-old man will not be published to protect the identity of the victim.

He was arrested Wednesday at his residence on Faulkner Avenue at about 3:15 p.m. by Patrolman Eric Neely of the Martinsburg City Police Department, police said.

---

Still something tells me that this guy did not use my seven rules of stapling.


Extra Reading

It's That Time of Year

I do not know why I waited until now to talk about the things that I wanted for my birthday... Still I got none of these things but I figure I can get them on my own. The watch I want just to drive Caren crazy.... Actually the watch that I got two years ago for my bithday just broke and now I have to have it repaired. I wonder if the fact that the watch broke means something. It probably does but I am not changing my mind.
The Watch

I still have not gotten my car repaired. That sucks. I have been talking about fixing this damn thing forever. Granted there are other things that sucked about the old birthday but what can be done about that now...
The Car


Extra Reading

President Bush vs. Governor Bush

Extra Reading

My Name is James

My name is James
That's what mother called me
My name is James
So it's always been

Sometimes I forget
When I'm lonely or afraid
And I'll go inside my head
And look for James

There's a city that I dreamed of
Very far from here
Very very far away from here
Very far away

There are people in the city
And they're kind to me
But it's very very far away, you know
Very far...

They'll say James, James, James, how are ya?
Isn't it a lovely day?
James, James, James
We're so glad you came here where we are
From so very very very far

My name is James, James, James


Extra Reading

Things A Man Should Never Do Past The Age of One

Get circumcised.

Spend more than ten minutes looking at a checkerboard pattern (exception: peyote users).

Look longingly at his mother's breasts.

Urinate in his mouth.

Be terrified of Mr. Noodle on Elmo's World.

Cry at the sight of a wooden spoon.

Eat pureed Wheat Thins.

Suck on the corner of a laptop.

Go willingly into the arms of strangers.

Lose neck control.

Have a favorite Higglytown Hero.

"Make nice."

Wear a unitard.

Read The Fountainhead.

--by: Jasper Jacobs, age 17 months
© 2006 by Hearst Communications Inc.

59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30

01. Coin his own nickname.

02. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.

03. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.

04. Hacky sack.

05. Name his penis his name plus junior.

06. Hang art with tape.

07. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.

08. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

09. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

10. Skip.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.

12. Let his father do his taxes.

13. Tap on the glass.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

15. Use the word collated on his resume.

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."

25. Request extra sprinkles.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

39. Whine.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."

41. Purchase fireworks.

42. Google the word vagina.

43. Ride a pony.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.

46. Organize a party bus.

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

57. Own a vanity plate.

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."


Extra Reading

The Tao of Stapling: Revisited

Since I work in an office and I push papers around I often push stapled papers around. Needless to say the extra weight of the staple really pisses me off. There is one more miss stapling technique that I had not mentioned... This is...

The Revisited: This one is for the special kind of lazy that staples something and then remembers that they want to staple another piece of paper onto the original package and do not bother removing the original staple. Thats what they make those little vampire things suck-ass use it!!!

HISTORY OF STAPLING:
1200s --- A short cloth ribbon was pushed through two holes that had been cut in the upper left hand corner of pieces of paper. Sometimes there would be an official seal placed on the ribbon.
1700s --- The first stapling machine was built for King Louis XV. Each staple would have to be hand made and then would be inscribed with the insignia of the Royal Court.
1800s --- Cast iron staplers were introduced. These would use individually loaded staples.
1895s --- Staples where now mounted on a cardboard core but since the cardboard would frequently crumble they were not that effective.
1900s --- First staples on a strip. They were called herringbone staples because there was a space between each staple on the strip.
1905 --- B. Jahn Manufacturing. Company, New Britain, Connecticut introduced a ram head stapler that used staples on a strip but that was so hard to use; someone had to strike it with a stick or mallet to get it to fasten papers together.
1909 --- The word Stapler is introduced. Before that they were generally called Hotchkiss after the Norwalk, Connecticut, company by the same name.
1910 --- Hotchkiss releases the model #2 that uses a lever to sever the herringbone staples. This was much easier than their 1905 model.
1920s --- Swingline, at the time known as Parrot Speed Products Company introduced the Frozen Wire Staples that we know today. Just gauge wire that is held together with glue.
1930s --- Swingline introduces the 4 second Loading stapler that we know today. This is the top loading mechanism that where the user just drops a full strip of staples.

There you go folks... Now you know everything that I know about stapling. Go out there and staple just remember... Have fun but most of all... be safe.


Extra Reading

On A Side Note

Well first I guess I should apologize for being gone for a long time... I have been a little on the down side and decided to be a recluse... I also went on vacation for a week and did not touch my laptop once. That was on the miracle side. But as far as being depressed I think that I am getting over that so I think that I should be ok for a while. I have decided to try to pick up my life and try to move on from the mistakes that I have made. Kind of like trying to was my sins in the storm. I hope that everyone is ready for a lot of reading because I have a lot of things to talk about... Everything from the news to post about my last couple of weeks and even some new poetry is on its way. Stay tuned people.


Extra Reading

The Tao of Stapling

This Document is for those who have the mental capacity of a staple and can not seem to handle the simple act of binding a few pieces of paper together with a small bent piece of wire... at work I see many packets being held together with staples and 99% of them wrong.

PROCEDURE:
01. Make sure that you have the right equipment. There are many different kinds of staplers and one must be aware of all of them before proceeding. There are three kinds of manual staplers.
The pushdown: These are the top mounted staplers that everyone knows and loves that are now ubiquitous of every desk of corporate America. These you use by keeping them on the desk. Note: they can be picked up and some have been designed for that by keeping ergonomics in mind. These staplers can also be hinged so one does not have to use the base of the stapler and can use it against a wall or the like. By definition, this process is not stapling but is called tacking. Tacking is defined because the staples do not grab and bind the paper together.
The Lever: These are basically the heavy duty staplers that can staple a large quantity of papers at the same time.
The Pliers: These staplers are meant to be used with out a desk but they seem to bind and jam often and thus should be avoided whenever possible because there is always a flat edge to use.
Of course there are also electric staplers but the techniques talked about here should carry over to the electric stapler with ease.
02. Make sure that you are using the right materials. Staples come in a variety of lengths, gages and shapes. The first thing to remember about staples is their gauge. The gauge of the wire defines how thick the wire is. It basically measures the diameter of the wire and the larger the number the smaller the wire. You must have the right gauge for the right stapler. The small blade is the same size as the staples thus ensuring that you only push one staple at a time. If the wrong staples are used chances are that the stapler will jam. The second thing to remember is the shape of the staple. Staples mostly come in three shapes. Beveled, Standard and Arched Crown. The third thing, and probably the most important thing to remember, is the length. The length of the staple measures the length of the leg and the helps define how many papers one can staple. Form smallest to largest;
1/4" for 15 25 pages 3/8" for 25 60 pages
1/2" for 60 90 pages 3/4" for 90 160 pages
15/16" fir 160 210 pages --- Taken from Swingline model 900XD.
03. Make sure that your equipment is in proper position. This mostly applies to the anvil of the stapler. The anvil is the little metal plate at the bottom of the stapler that decides which way the staple legs should go. Accepted practice is to have them facing in. The reason why there is a choice is because it is a carryover from where there were not staple removers. The point outwards option is so the staple becomes very temporary and can be easily removed. Some companies used to make ones that one leg was pointing out and the other in. This way, all one had to do was pull the staple out sideways.
04. Make sure that the stapler is on even ground. One must have a firm and flat surface to place the stapler on. If there is no flat surface available then one can opt to hold the stapler in their hand and operate that way. Still this is a rather difficult operation and should only be attempted by skilled users.
05. User must make sure that all sheets of a document are aligned. This can be done by knocking all edges of the sheets of the document against a flat surface. One can manually place one sheet on top of the other but this is generally not as affective or efficient as the previously mentioned method. If the sheets of the document are of different sizes then it is best to tap on the top and left edges of the document. This will ensure that the top-left hand corner of the document is aligned and thus allowing the user to staple that corner.
06. Hold the pages together and insert them into the stapler. The stapler should be positioned at a 45 degree angle in relation to the document. There should be a 1/4 of an inch from the each side of the document to the edge of the stapler. The angle method of stapling is by far the most effective type of stapling there is. The reason why is because this angle provides the longest possible fold line that does not impede in the reading in of the subsequent pages. If another angle is used then when the user tries to fold something then they will inevitably rip the top page as they try to establish a 45 degree fold.
07. PUNCH!

THE WRONG TYPE OF STAPLING:
The Horizontal: That is when someone staples horizontally because they think that it is the most professional or best looking way to do it. Still, this method only leads to ripping of the page and it makes folding over difficult to do.
The Vertical: This is the opposite of The Horizontal still this stapling method seems to crease the top paper along the edges too much and in the end just rips the paper.
The Dangler: This is when the user, due to inability to aim or just not care only staples the pack of paper with one prong of the staple. Thus the other end is just hanging out in the air and will either rip some article of clothing or just rip the papers at the tops.
The Encroacher: This is probably the worst stapling method against productivity. This is when the no one cared enough to even look at that they where stapling and just staple where ever. This usually leads to stapling over the text on the first page and thus the text over the subsequent pages. So now the reader has to undo the stapling job and start again.
The Compensator: This is when some can not follow proper stapling procedures so they must over compensate by using multiple staples. This includes, but is not limited to, The Sandwich, this is when someone staples both sides of the paper bundle because the staple did not go all the way through. One must use the correct staple size for the package of paper.
The Wild Card: This is the most manic of forms of stapling and it is as if they let Corky from Life Goes On to handle a stapler. This only adds to confusion that is not conducive to business function and efficiency.


Extra Reading